WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[Coach]

Both my therapist and my DB coach said I should not do anything to help her move.

Why would you help her? Not standing in her way is one thing but helping her move out is Mr Nice Guy behaviour. Let her see what being on her own is like, splitting time with the kids, different finances, none of your help (because she doesn't want to be a couple!)Let her live it and you work on yourself. Your DBing is just starting.
Cheers

[confusedinpa]

Both my therapist and my DB coach said I should not do anything to help her move.

Why would you help her? Not standing in her way is one thing but helping her move out is Mr Nice Guy behaviour. Let her see what being on her own is like, splitting time with the kids, different finances, none of your help (because she doesn't want to be a couple!)Let her live it and you work on yourself. Your DBing is just starting.
Cheers

Coach,

Thanks for stopping by my thread again. I really respect how much you have helped many of us with your knowledge/wisdom that you have picked up during your situation.

I had been torn between the Mr. Nice Guy behavior vs. having her struggle which may strengthen her resolve to stay away. My thought process had been if you fought for something so hard, you may want to make sure you are "happy" with it.

Any thought on that logic/craziness?

[Coach]

I had been torn between the Mr. Nice Guy behavior vs. having her struggle which may strengthen her resolve to stay away.

Which part of the battle do you control? Focus your efforts there.

[MrBond]

"She has said that she needs help to get this done quickly. I do not want to help. I feel that would not be the right thing to do. She needs help packing and moving things. I don't see doing that. Anyone have comments on that?"

Help her. You don't want to come off seeming like an @$$. If she was a really good friend, what would you do?

Reading all your posts yesterday and today shows that you are really backsliding badly. Come on, I mean now you were entertaining thoughts of a new job just to get away? I know they are just thoughts, but what about your kids?

I have 4 words for you. SNAP OUT OF IT!

You went from being very strong in terms of keeping the DB principles to being self-centered again. Re-read your posts from yesterday and today. "I" don't believe in this, "I" don't believe in that. "I" don't know how I feel.

What happened to being compassionate to what your W wants? If you don't go back to being compassionate to her needs and wants, you are dooming yourself to failure.

She's moving out of the house not the M. Deal with it. Take it one day at a time. Stop thinking about the future that hasn't been written. Stop mind-reading her. How do you know that when she leaves she won't come back? The last time I checked, the only person who might know could walk on water. There's your 2x4.

Get off the pity pain train and act like the man you were a couple of weeks ago. Put the brakes on the backsliding. You mentioned that you had no anger, but that's all I've been seeing these past few days.

We ALL go through this. I did when my W left. When she walked out that door, I was afraid like you, but came to the resolute decision that it was out of my hands. I left it up to God and fate. Of course I prayed for things to work out, but I learned that even if they didn't, I and the kids would be fine. I would have told you there was no way my W was ever coming back. And you know what? She did.

When she leaves DO NOT GO DARK! You are nowhere near being at that point because your W has wanted to included you in things. Go DIM. Which is where you invite her to things but not everything and if she invites you, go, but not to everything. Keep things cordial, light and very friendly. In every interaction you have together, show her the man she M.

Most importantly, stop dwelling in the past when you two are talking. You both are repeating old themes and all those weeks of C has not helped a single bit because YOU can't see why she doesn't see things YOUR way and SHE can't see why you can't see things HER way.

You keep saying that she is free to go. Is she really? Seems like you're still clinging on and that once she leaves, you feel you can never be friends with her again. It's not going to work that way.

You will survive and she can work out the mess that's in her head.

I guess that was a long 2x4.

[confusedinpa]

I had been torn between the Mr. Nice Guy behavior vs. having her struggle which may strengthen her resolve to stay away.

Which part of the battle do you control? Focus your efforts there.

That's very insightful. The only thing/person I control is me so that is what I need to focus on.

I guess I need to decide what I want.

I don't want her to leave and her leaving is her choice.

We will each need to do what supports our choices.

Did I get that right?

Thanks for such a quick response.

[Coach]

Help her. You don't want to come off seeming like an @$$. If she was a really good friend, what would you do?

This your values (*uts) at stake here. I didn't and still don't believe in seperation (sure there are cases where it makes sense) but I was only half of the equation. If it was my friend I would counsel them to stay at home - for their M, kids and themselves.
My position was I will work on myself, my M, but seperation was not a option for me so I would not support it. Did not change a thing but my W knew exactly what, where, and why I stood on our M. It was not negotiable with me. I don't think it made me come off looking bad at all, I actually think I gained respect for my stance. I prayed over my W while she was sleeping to get her to change her mind. I had no control over her. The work was all about me.
It's her choice let her deal with it on her own. I understand how hard this is but once you realise how this is about working on your self with the added benefit your W might notice the easier it becomes. Stop worrying about what someone else thinks - you don't control it. Do what makes you a better man, father, husband and CIPA. Leave the door open, keep DBing, stick with your values and don't give up.
Strength and Honor

[Coach]

We will each need to do what supports our choices.

Did I get that right?

You tell me. You are responsible for your own happiness.

[confusedinpa]

"She has said that she needs help to get this done quickly. I do not want to help. I feel that would not be the right thing to do. She needs help packing and moving things. I don't see doing that. Anyone have comments on that?"

Help her. You don't want to come off seeming like an @$$. If she was a really good friend, what would you do?

That is a really tough question. If she was a really good friend I would help her, even if I disagreed with what she was doing. How do I resolve this against falling into the Mr. Nice Guy syndrom?

Reading all your posts yesterday and today shows that you are really backsliding badly. Come on, I mean now you were entertaining thoughts of a new job just to get away? I know they are just thoughts, but what about your kids?

I have 4 words for you. SNAP OUT OF IT!

You went from being very strong in terms of keeping the DB principles to being self-centered again. Re-read your posts from yesterday and today. "I" don't believe in this, "I" don't believe in that. "I" don't know how I feel.

I've been trying to re-center to myself again. It is just so hard to do as everytime I'm gain some traction, I get hit with another thing by her. She even commented how I seem to have wild mood swings lately - being all upbeat singing and dancing with the kids to the radio to being all down and hurt. Isn't it natural/normal to feel hurt when you see parts of your life disappearing everyday?

What happened to being compassionate to what your W wants? If you don't go back to being compassionate to her needs and wants, you are dooming yourself to failure.

She's moving out of the house not the M. Deal with it. Take it one day at a time. Stop thinking about the future that hasn't been written. Stop mind-reading her. How do you know that when she leaves she won't come back? The last time I checked, the only person who might know could walk on water. There's your 2x4.

The compassionate things is to help her. I know that is the right thing. That is what I would do if she was someone that was alone on the road with a flat tire. I would stop and help.

I'm just torn between what my therapist and DB coach had said (not helping her leave the house). Not being an enabler. It is hard to choose what is right.

Get off the pity pain train and act like the man you were a couple of weeks ago. Put the brakes on the backsliding. You mentioned that you had no anger, but that's all I've been seeing these past few days.

We ALL go through this. I did when my W left. When she walked out that door, I was afraid like you, but came to the resolute decision that it was out of my hands. I left it up to God and fate. Of course I prayed for things to work out, but I learned that even if they didn't, I and the kids would be fine. I would have told you there was no way my W was ever coming back. And you know what? She did.

Did you help her move when she left? How much help did you give? From what I remembered, you mentioned she moved in with family. So did she take furniture like my wife is or just clothes?

When she leaves DO NOT GO DARK! You are nowhere near being at that point because your W has wanted to included you in things. Go DIM. Which is where you invite her to things but not everything and if she invites you, go, but not to everything. Keep things cordial, light and very friendly. In every interaction you have together, show her the man she M.

My therapist and DB coach had suggested Dark. I was really torn about that as it would be too much like I was in the past. I know I won her over by making her feel like the most important person in my life. I do agree DIM makes more sense

Most importantly, stop dwelling in the past when you two are talking. You both are repeating old themes and all those weeks of C has not helped a single bit because YOU can't see why she doesn't see things YOUR way and SHE can't see why you can't see things HER way.

You keep saying that she is free to go. Is she really? Seems like you're still clinging on and that once she leaves, you feel you can never be friends with her again. It's not going to work that way.

You will survive and she can work out the mess that's in her head.

I guess that was a long 2x4.

Thanks for the 2x4. I see I have a lot of work to do.

[confusedinpa]

This is getting really difficult - helping at the risk of more Mr Nice Guy behaviour vs. not helping at the risk of not demonstrating compassion.

I have told her that I will not stop her but will not help her. She hasn't asked me to help her, but keeps saying that she doesn't have anyone to help her and she's doing the best that she can. I am very torn as to what's the right thing to do.

My value is that I don't believe that the separation is the right thing. I do believe she needs some space and time and believe we can do it in the same house. She doesn't believe that. She feels that if she doesn't leave soon, being faced with the person who hurt, she will not be able to keep it together any longer. She feels like she is trapped and needs escape. Even when she see's I've changed, she gets mad that I couldn't understand it back when she "cared".

This is a BIG decision point in my path

[Coach]

This is a BIG decision point in my path

no it's not. Your W is calling the shots are you are going along with it. You are just putting up a boundary based on your values, which is healthy.

You validate her feelings - she feels trapped, needs escape, and and can't face you. That's compassion, but don't your feelings, thoughts and needs deserve to be validated as well. You need to validate for yourself what is honorable, wise and loving.

Your job is to be the best CIPA you can. Be calm, confident and strong. You also need to show her consistent loving actions. It's OK not to agree. See her for the different person she is. Have you read "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman? Great 180 ideas in there for you - read up on the ABCDE rechnique.
Cheers