rob, ... In the last year or so, I have seen a shift in this dynamic of our relationship. My wife got a better job, started exercising and overall started exhibiting more self-confidence. I viewed this as a great thing and supported her in every way that I could. It was nice that she was able to make decisions and was willing to challenge the norm. I was enjoying sharing the reigns with her and the occassional sparring between us was new and exciting.
I can certainly admit that I have become more submissive in the recent years. Whatever she wanted, I tried to provide it. Even if I didn't agree with it. The submissiveness has grown exponentially since the separation. I find myself focusing on trying not to contact her, but the second I get the call or the e-mail I jump right to it. Everything goes out the door. This is an obesessive/compulsive behavior that I don't like in myself right now. I am sure that my mind is thinking this may be when she tells you she screwed up and wants to come back home. In reality, I know this isn't the case.
She sent me an email this morning stating that she will be staying in town this weekend alone instead of flying to her mom's for Easter. I immediately responded back by telling her that she is welcome to come over and be with my side of the family. I also suggested that we find a neutral activity to do together (i.e. movie, comedy show, etc...). I also told her that I had a little something for Easter to give her. Looking back, this was probably not the best response on my part.
Don't be too hard on yourself, up until now, where would you find education & advice on this topic. Men in general never get to talk about this stuff, there aren't classes in school either, what outlet did you have to take advantage of?
Would you say she started exercising when she got the new job? There is always some impetus for this type of action. If she hasn't been exercising ever and all of a sudden wants to lose weight, buy new clothes, start taking care of herself better (hair, nails, makeup, shoes, clothes, tanning, etc.). It's not that someone can't do something like this out of the blue but usually new actions are inspired by new events, new environments, new people, etc. It's really hard to say and very subjective and no one really knows for sure unless someone finally says something & admits it. Do you think she met someone at work?
I'll go back to this other point you made: ....I can certainly admit that I have become more submissive in the recent years. Whatever she wanted, I tried to provide it. Even if I didn't agree with it. The submissiveness has grown exponentially since the separation.
Did you read that part about not agreeing with it. If you didn't agree with it and still did it just to make your wife happy, you weren't being honest with her or yourself.
Women test men repeatedly, it's a subconscious thing, always testing to see if the man they're with is strong enough. The testing kicks into high gear when married women get into their 30s, the extra testosterone in their systems which is responsible for them being in their "sexual prime" makes them more aggressive. Once they see that you aren't strong enough to lead them (not control them), they start testing more & more to confirm the suspicions that you aren't a strong man. You keep on getting tested & tested and you figure succumbing to every demand will make your wife happy when in reality it's doing the opposite.
You have to notice that the more you end up doing for her, the further she is getting away from you. If you want to do stuff for her because you want to do it because YOU actually want to do it, not because you're doing it so that she will like you (which is what you are doing), go ahead & do it. Remember it has to be your choice to do it, you're not doing anything because you think it will make her happy - that isn't being honest with her or yourself and that is being manipulative, women hate that.
And since women can read body language and take your emotional temperature remotely just by looking at you, she knows how you're feeling and what you will do because she can bend you to her will, you've demonstrated that already.
Stop with the gifts, if you haven't given her a gift, don't do it, give it to someone else or take it back and get your money back. No gift buying, no supplicating. You see she expects you to do this, she knows that you think all you can do is attempt to buy back her love with gifts & gestures. Deep down she knows you're not good enough as is because you have been communicating that to her.
Stop supplicating: no more gifts, no compliments, no doing this, that and the other thing.
Remember being strong doesn't mean being mean & angry: be a better man, be strong, walk away when she talks poorly to you but let her know that you won't tolerate that crap behavior from her anymore and if she thinks that just because you're separated and because you love her that you will allow her to treat you poorly, that she is mistaken and she doesn't know you as well as she thought she did.
Man up, have some respect for yourself, no one will ever respect you if you show that you don't have respect for yourself. Time to be honest with yourself, do you like the way your wife has been treating you?
Be honest with her, maybe you weren't the greatest husband you could have been for her and maybe you didn't show her the kind of love she wanted or needed and honestly she wasn't honest with her needs & wants and leaving you shows that she never really wanted to give you a chance at changing and giving her more of what she really needed.
But regardless that is the past, if she has been keeping score on every bad thing you've done but never letting you know about her secret tally, she hasn't been any better than you.
Honesty is a requirement in every relationship, real honesty. Communication is a requirement, honest communication.
Respect is the ultimate requirement, without it, you won't get honesty or communication.
Show her you respect yourself and won't be treated poorly anymore, tell her this and then walk away. Don't be mean or angry, just be strong and honest. The first time you do this, the amount of energy you release will be incredible, the feeling in your stomach will be unlike something you've never experienced just be careful, most people will explode into a torrent of accusations of what someone did and it will turn into an argument. Say your peace & walk away and leave her where you found her, don't turn back if she calls your name either and she will likely demand that you turn around and may insult you in the process.
Just be strong and keep on going & walk away, this won't be your last discussion with her, I can count on that.
Doing all of this will bring her back down to earth from the clouds, she will start to understand that her days of treating you poorly are numbered and that you won't be a doormat for her anymore. People only walk all over you when you allow them, so stop allowing them.
