I hear you, loud and clear. I know I need to do some things differently, because what I have done so far hasn't gotten me the results I would like.
The Disney trip was something I was planning to do myself with the kids. Dan said he wanted to go b/c he didn't want to miss the first time our D went to Disneyworld. We have been several times to Disneyland with our S b/c we lived in California. But D has never been to either Disney park. So Dan said he wanted to go. I have booked the room for the kids and I and I told him I was not paying for his room, he would have to book it and ask for it to be linked to our room (you can do that, it is on the website).
I do NOT expect sex or anything on that trip. Even if he doesn't get his own room it would be me and D in one bed, he and S in the other. I have no false ideas there.
But the first part you said is right, I go a few weeks and all is friendly then I get fed up....I need to be gone more when he is here, that's for sure. I am already screwed on that this week. We are decorating Easter eggs tonight and he told the kids he would come over and do eggs with us. So I have to be here unless I want to miss out on that, which I don't.
Then he has the kids on Wed for my night class. Then Thurs night I asked him to come stay with the kids as I am participating in a 24 hour prayer vigil at church. I have to be there from 2:00-3:30 am...
I hear what you are saying K and I know it is true. I just have to figure out what I am doing about it...
The Disney trip was something I was planning to do myself with the kids. Dan said he wanted to go b/c he didn't want to miss the first time our D went to Disneyworld.
Well, his choices show something different no? He IS gonna miss a lot more if he continues. And you cant be offering to him alternative solutions that will ease the guilt he probably feels.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
I am already screwed on that this week. We are decorating Easter eggs tonight and he told the kids he would come over and do eggs with us. So I have to be here unless I want to miss out on that, which I don't.
My H started "thinking" only after I stopped initiating and allowing family time together. I dont think it was a coincidence. Of course not everybody responds the same, I am just saying... K
I am going to have to take some time in the wee hours later tonight to re-read my threads and figure out what road I am on...and where I want to be...and how to get there.
Thought I was making progress, H came over after church Sunday and stopped to get me a pop (soda or whatever you other folks call it!) on his way...
We had a great day yesterday without kids, taking a road trip. A year ago we would have gone 85 down the highway straight there and back, he didn't want to spend alone time with me at all. Or even we would have taken separate cars.
This time we rode together in my car, we talked, joked, laughed. Made probably 2 or 3 stops along the way besides the tax stop and the lunch break, and the stop to look at cows. We took back roads, sang out loud. I would start to hum or sing a bit of a song and then stop, and 30 seconds later he would start singing the song. Little bit of mirroring...
Anyway then last night after kids went to bed, around, ten, he called me to chat about an email he got from our former K.C. realtor asking him to join facebook. So a totally unnecessary call after the kids were in bed, after a day we spent 10 hours straight together w/out kids for the first time in months...
But now I am doing that questioning myself thing after reading K's post of this morning. I WAS being that girl he would want to date on the road trip yesterday. Flirty, fun, upbeat, joking, singing, being me...
Oh well, guess I shall regroup and reread and go from there...
The only person who knows if she is making progress is you! We only comment on what you chose to write. Don't get me wrong, my opinions are pretty close to k's. I probably expressed them way back. But the truth of the matter is not how you get to where you want to be, but rather will you reach your goal? I can not say this enough BBJ....if you see progress continue doing what you are doing. I would say do not torture yourself reading your posts....continue doing what is working in your opinion.
Hey Bobbi..I agree with K.. you are making it ok for him all the time, picking up the pieces, making it neat.. making it easy, giving him his 'normal' family.. eventhough HE chose to leave, like its all just the same still.. but it isnt. Guess you need to examine your feelings as to why you are doing that. I agree with K that no matter what the sitch, it isnt until you let go, let them go, let them really feel the consequences of their choices, let them have their choice and not keep trying to be something you're not to them.. THEN they seem to get it. You have to give him the space to miss you and that includes building memories as a family.
I dont have kids and all this is hard enough for me, so I cant imagine how hard it is.. but seriously, perhaps you should STOP fixing things and smoothing his life out... let him miss things and let him know that YOU will miss things (so dont do the easter egg thing, do you own easter egg thing?). Thinking of you, soldiering on....
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey Bobbi..I agree with K.. you are making it ok for him all the time, picking up the pieces, making it neat.. making it easy, giving him his 'normal' family.. eventhough HE chose to leave, like its all just the same still.. but it isnt. Guess you need to examine your feelings as to why you are doing that. I agree with K that no matter what the sitch, it isnt until you let go, let them go, let them really feel the consequences of their choices, let them have their choice and not keep trying to be something you're not to them.. THEN they seem to get it. You have to give him the space to miss you and that includes building memories as a family.
I dont have kids and all this is hard enough for me, so I cant imagine how hard it is.. but seriously, perhaps you should STOP fixing things and smoothing his life out... let him miss out on things and let him see that YOU will miss things (so dont do the easter egg thing, do you own easter egg thing?). But dont do it in a way that compounds his guilt...
Besides, as my wise old mum said.. yuo dont want to make sure he's ok, you dont want to be like his mother.. you want him back in your bed - you want him to notice the woman, not the carer.
Besides, as my wise old mum said.. yuo dont want to make sure he's ok, you dont want to be like his mother.. you want him back in your bed - you want him to notice the woman, not the carer.
WHOA!!!!! Well said!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Btw, the counselor Nathan is seeing told us to continue doing 'family' things since we get along so well, it is good for the children to see us as still a family...
Then again she also recommended MC. So I guess if we keep doing family stuff because she thinks its a good idea we should be in MC, too....
Actually, last night I took part in a 24-hr prayer vigil at my church. My hour was from 2:30-3:30 a.m. I was the only one in the sanctuary; the youth pastor was in the church basement from midnight-four so no one would be 'alone' in the middle of the night, but I didn't speak to him.
Anyway, it was amazing to be there in the dark of night by myself. Just a few candles flickering and one small spotlight turned on, everything else dark. I prayed and talked to God for the whole hour. Very moving. I talked out all my thoughts for my family, my church, my husband, myself, etc etc. I actually feel pretty detached because I know God has a plan for me and it isn't my job to fix my life, it is my job to trust Him and walk forward boldly even though I don't know what lies ahead.
Ironically, Dan texted me last night out of the blue, just to tell me it was windy on his road trip to Wichita. We traded texts about 5 times and then I just said Good Night and stopped. Then he called again this morning to tell me he turned around and didn't go all the way to Wichita b/c of storms, so he was back at work in Omaha. He actually said, "I just wanted to call to let you know I was here"...Then he called again just a minute ago and said he was planning on coming in for the evening, was just leaving work.
I said, "Good, I need to go wash and vacuum my car, I can do that once you are here." I am not trying to provoke anything, it is just the truth. I have things I need to do!
