I have been compiling a list of what has worked and what hasn't. I thought it might be useful to keep up my PMA and remind myself not to backslide at this difficult stage.
What has worked 1. Letting H set the pace - reacting instead of initiating He contacted me roughly every 10 days give or take 2. Being more neutral in my texts and emails and taking the emotion out. H was very guarded in the beginning but slowly, over time opened up and has become more natural and friendly as he felt safer in my reactions. 3. Not stressing about the pace of his responses and not showing irritation at his slow responses. 'Getting on with my picnic' in the meantime. H's response time has slowly improved over time as he got more confident in my reactions although it is still irratic. I have learnt not to take it personally. 4. Looking good when meeting him. The better I look the more at ease h seems with me. It helps reinforce that I am 'ok' and lessens his guilt. Obviously better for the PMA too! 5. Being patient It's a must and it took pressure off H. 6. Letting him set the mode of communication but having boundaries where text was not appropriate i.e. major financial stuff and house matters. H knew where he stood, no confusion. Now he suggests meeting up when it seems appropriate rather than hiding behind texts. 7. Showing H that I 'get it'. He doesn't have to fight against me anymore. 8. Regulating my moods and reactions to his communications Helps me be on a more stable emotional even keel. 9. Having more confidence in myself For my PMA and also makes my more attractive. 10. Stopping the blame game Helps me be on a more stable emotional even keel and means H and I can find consensus. 11. Letting him set perimetres for meetings - he always put a time limit on it, I didn't react to this. He no longer does this the more comfortable he has become with me. I now generally initate leaving. 12. Complimenting him This always makes him smile and feel good - I tended to be negative before. 13. Letting go of negative feelings towards him and accepting his feelings We had better interactions. He didn't feel like a slug around me. 14. Being his cheerleader instead of criticizing Again, negativity does not work and pushes him further away from me. 15. Stopping being bossy and controlling He appreciates me trusting his judgement 16. Focusing communication on non-personal issues - business only. H reacts much quicker in texts etc. Whenever he doesn't I don't take offense. 17. Don't take things personally, it is not a reflection on me!!! Makes living with it so much easier 18. Stopping all r talks and letting him take the lead on initiating them You can't force someone to talk before they are ready. 18. Do not mother him, be his peer Remembering I am only 27! 19. being friendly, light and upbeat in my interactions with him. Lets him know that I am ok.
What I did that did not work - pre DBing 1. Scheduling dates It took all responsibility off him. 2. Arranging for h to see a counsellor about why he walked away Counsellor was not pro-marriage and did so much harm to the situation. 3. Pressurising him to confront his health issues H was eventually grateful but it enforced my 'mother' approach and took a lot of nagging. 4. Talking to H's parents and trying to enlist their help H felt pressured and got angry at me. 5. R talk, pleading, crying I looked desperate and it increased H's guilt. Not desirable. 6. Trying to talk 'sense' into h and get my point across My 'sense' is not his 'sense'. It made H fight against me and feel more guilty and resent me. 7. Having an r talk every 3rd meeting to 'test the waters' Just ended up hurting me more!
