ok so...h arived home last night and I greeted him...or at least met him half way...wasn't feeling all that bold...so maybe I had a little extra excuse as he was to get ready to go to a rather depressing wake for a 3year old boy. so I snuck in a hug...as he hugged me back it seemed as if he needed it...I wanted to cry...but instead said..."I don't always hug you or greet you when you come home...it's not that I don't want too it's just that I'm afraid you may not want me to."

h's response was rather comical..."ya I know..I'm not always huggable...I'm a moody bastard" (I'm not certain that he said bastard but it is something he would say..he did once leave a message on my cell refering to himself as "your misserable bastard h" again not in a way that indicated I think so..but perhaps a realization that at times he gets so wrapped up with what's going on in HIS day that he can be short and irritable with others...and it isn't fair to ME.

so I think that went well...better than I expected actually.

so h went to the wake...I took care of the kiddos...h called on the way home...I can't believe they had an open casket...I would not be able to get that pic out of my mind..heck I wasn't even there and I have the image in my head..so very sad...so when h arrived I gave him a hug and let him know that son was still awake upstairs that he wanted a kiss from daddy (think it may have been a good idea for h to be able to say hi to his son while awake after such a wake) I got h's dinner heated up and sat back on the couch...h joined me and talked a bit about the wake and the "guys" that were there...he couldn't believe that some of them were actually drinking beers in the p-lot..ugh! at least h comments on it as if wtf guys? glad they are just the guys that he goes to the games with and nothing more, not bad people just well you know...somehow we started talking about memories and school and what teachers we had etc (we didn't go to the same schools so it was more a re-sharing of our own stuff) we both went up to bed at the same time and it was comfortable...wich hasn't happend in a while as h's been falling asleep on the couches. I had hoped for something but I suppose the fact that we were both there is enough.

so tonight we go on our "date" to the drive-in...I've made a dip to bring along and some popcorn, should be nice to get out...

h is talking about using one of our time share weeks to take a mini (sat-wed) vaca for our anniversary...I think it's a great idea, however...I don't much feel like celebrating our anniversary as the day honestly means little to me now. . I don't want a new anniversary but I would like a re-newal of our vows...h knows about my desire for that to happen but I don't know if he would ever initiate it and if I initiated and he simply accepted how would I then feel???

just blabing now...

LL