Well...I couldn't sleep last night and I ended up watching the first episode of Six Feet Under - and it reduced me to tears. Watching it drove home just how much the end of a marriage resembles a death - at least in the sense of loss and mourning involved - though the big differences are in the lack of attending ritual. Funerals offer a place to mourn and share in that mourning - but with this process, so much of the mourning is solitary - and there are so very few moments when one can just rest on the shoulder of someone else who mourns the loss as we do...so even though there are friends and family members that "understand" the loss - they are never involved in the loss as they would be in a funeral. Watching the show made me wonder if there are any cultures that do have a ritual in place for the end of a marriage - given how common divorce has become, one would think that there would be divorce parties popping up all the time - I know they happen occasionally, though whenever I read about them, they strike me more as a histrionic affectation rather than a genuine mark of passage.
At the end of the show, as I just kind of sat there feeling a bit stunned, I found myself saying goodbye to B in a way I hadn't before. There was a sadness in me - a profound sadness - that had only remorse for B's plight - for the fact that this good person was born into a situation and a family that she could not escape, could not overcome. It's heartbreaking to think that a person's own sister and mother would be afraid to talk with her - and for them just to find fault in her, rather than see the tragedy of her situation.
Another similarity to death that is perhaps more obvious is the way in which the sadness can make our memories focus more on the positive moments of what was shared. While rationally I know that B was emotionally abusive and a very angry person, and I know that my S11 wasn't always very fond of her (he recently told me he feels more comfortable talking with me about her now, because when she was still in our lives he always worried that if he told me what he thought it would make her angry and start an argument between B and me....which he was right about), and I know that she had at least one PA and was most likely having at least an EA when she dropped the bomb - there's some connection between the sadness in my mind and the fond memories - like they're in proximity to one another - so that when I think of what we've lost - I don't immediately think of the peace that was gained and the many opportunities for a happier more fulfilling and fulfilled life - rather I think often about our shared incapacity to have made enough of those happy memories to have them define our M rather than the unhappy memories. Then again, all of B's evidence of why she had to leave me comes from my initial, panicked (over)reaction to her dropping the bomb - when her words just bewildered me.
I'm in a very different place now than when things started falling apart so many months ago - I feel very positive about where my life is heading and also appreciate just how peace my children enjoy when they're at home with me.
B continues to accuse me of being an angry person and continues to tell people that I am/was abusive - and so she continues to live in a separate reality that she can use to justify her actions and her words. It saddens me to see her continue on a course toward self-destruction. A friend of mine who saw her just a few weeks ago said that she just has a darkness around her that makes her seem filled with negativity. I hope for her sake, and for the sake of our son, that she eventually comes to terms with herself and finds the strength to deal more honestly with the demons that haunt her.
