Never thought I would get here, but it's happening. My wife is seeing someone from work. Apparently the same guy she had an EA with a year ago.
Here is the thing. She is telling me that she is just using him. She needs to get the affair out or her system. She is asking me to just give her some time to be free and that she will be back.
She wants to separate for about six months and that after that she is 80% sure she will want to come back. She says it's just something she has to do. We were married very young (18) and she feels she just needs to feel that "new love" feeling one more time. After that, she says I will have her for the rest of her life.
This is blowing me away. It's like premeditated murder. She knows all the pain it will cause me and my family (we have a son) and yet she can't stop herself. In a weird way, I would feel better if she was telling me it's over and that she's in love with someone else and she's leaving me for him. At least that would make sense. But, I'm going to come back, just give me time. This just seems cold and illogical.
My first instinct is to tell her to leave and don't come back. But isn't this whole divorce busting thing about saving your marriage /family. If this will fix the situation and in the end I will have my wife/family back then shouldn't I just let her do it. I guess I shouldn't say let her, she's going to do it anyway. But, by indicating in any way that I will wait for her, am I not giving her permission to do it?
You give an inch, she will take a mile. You got married to be with this person for life not to take mini breaks when the feeling hits her. Set your boundary: You can not be in a marriage where a third person is involved and stand firm. Tell her that you are sorry that she feels this way but this is not what marriage is about. You are not a safety net.
She may be 80% sure she will be back but I am 100% sure you would be gone.
Keep posting.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Personally, I dont think affairs should be approved of. I think this is to relieve her of the guilt of it and she expects that you will be there waiting for her. Nothing to lose. I can understand why affairs happen but it's a choice to have one. If she is 80% sure sure she will come back than she should be 80% sure this is the wrong thing to do. I think the first instinct may be the wrong one because its emotion based. I'm sure that someone here has had a similar sich and can give advice.
I'm jaded because of my wife is having an affair now even after trying hard for a year and I've given up.
Me:40 Her:37 OM:23! S:18 D:16 S:8 married 19 yrs stbx 2 affairs 2008, current affair Mar 09
Go to the above links TV & Media and look in articles for one titled, "The New Monogamy". See what Michelle says about open relationships and how well they work.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Yes, puppy, this is for real. She says it with the utmost sincerity. I think she really believes it will work. The question is do I stick around and let it happen.
According to Michelle's book, what we are supposed to do is stick around for awhile in hopes that she will come to her senses. Then if that doesn't work, we move out and pretend like we are moving on with are lives. Hopefully, this will turn them around and they will want to come back.
But, in my mind, both of these techniques are indicating that this is acceptable. To me, anything short of you filing for divorce and telling them it's over if they don't stop, is giving them permission. Am I thinking about this wrong?
So, are you saying forget about Michelle's techniques about dealing with an affair, file for divorce if she doesn't stop and not give her the time to come to her senses?
