Thanks to all for the good advice. I've been trying my hardest to follow DB rules and H has noticed improvements but commented they are coming too late. H has been telling me for a few months that he has met a new set of friends and enjoys their company and social activities, lifestyle and is considering moving from Minnesota to Canada to live there and start a new life.
I've asked him to stop making any future plans and either (a) see a marriage counselor with me or talk with one by phone, (b) give us a couple of months to talk and try and be open/honest and work things out (c) when doing our taxes I asked if I should make our max IRA contribution or leave our money in the short-term money market in case of money needed for separation/divorce/move, etc. He has turned me down on a & b and won't commit on c. I told him in regard to money we should keep in money market if the future is unknown. H neither agreed or disagreed with me.
We have been married since '93 and dating since '87. We work and live together and have no children. We get along really well and H has said numerous times he loves me so much and completely torn on what he should do. Of course, the logistics on both having to quit job, this economy and he even be able to get into Canada are such big barriers that nothing seems to move. The only thing he tells me is there is love and there is a history that cannot lightly be taken nor left. However, other than he has not left yet, he said he neither has or wants to give me any false hope. Again ideally H would like to be married part-time and live apart/in Canada part-time. Obviously many married people probably feel the same.
He has bought a ticket to Montreal 4/18 to 4/26 and has indicated that he hoped to make a decision either way when he returned. Of course now that it is getting closer to leaving he claims he never said that and he would not be able to make up his mind after the trip and he really just needed the trip to get a break and relax. So, I can look forward to more of the same when he returns.
He told me he is not in a hurry and when I indicated that I should probably start updating my resume, looking for another place to live he tells me it is way too soon for anything like that. It would be months for anything was finalized. I indicated I did not want to live together if he decides to leave. He has absolutely given me nothing and no hope yet won't go and doesn't want me to make any alternate/future plans. This is a control issue, isn't it?
There are days I just cannot cope but most days I am employing the DB techniques and just ignoring or not discussing the issue. The conversations are always circular and non-productive. I am also trying to get out exercise and doing activities for myself.
I do not want to be the one to walk away because I do love him and feel frustration but no anger or hate towards him. However, as I go through this day in and day out I feel taken advantage of and feel he is so selfish and really setting up things for himself and when he is all ready with whatever plans he needs to make than he can focus on me. I cannot imagine by words and actions he is interested in making our marriage work. However, I get feedback if he is still there and not agreeing I pursue backup options there is still a good chance we could end up together.
Any advice would be most helpful.
Michele W 42 H 41 No Kids 6 months ago stated he was and had not been happy for years and considering moving to be with friends in Montreal Still hanging in there by my fingernails
Follow up, basically wondering if anyone has decided they had given so much of themselves up for the other person they no longer may want to keep the marriage together. Is there too much sacrifice?
Just wondering when healthy may become unhealthy...
