Seperated But Living Together

[AJM]

SH, how are you doing?

[2gthrButApart]

Things have been so bouncy lately. One day he says thing that insinuate an US or WE, kind of future, then the next day it's all ME, and I. I'm trying not to look into any of it too much, but it's hard.

The other day he made comments about buying a house, and said it will be great b/c it will save us money, and how it will also save on tuition, b/c the girls will be living in a great area, where they can go to Public school (we have them in private, PS here sucks. And what the landlord will say when we break the lease... Does this mean I'm included in this house idea, or does he think he will take the girls during the school yr?

Yesterday he was talking about the future, when our girls are around 20, and how he'd like to have a house on a caribbean island, and that he'd like to live there during the cold months here, and I mentioned him missing the girls' Christmases, and he said they can go to him, or he will come to them for that week, I was never mentioned in the whole conversation, but I never aske b/c I wasn't ready for a hurtful answer.

Today he TM asking me to send him the total amount of bills we paid last month and this month, to see how much $$ WE can have saved up before 2010??

[2gthrButApart]

BTW...H said good night first again last night. BUT he didn't hug me the whole night.

I hugged him this AM, and he scooted close, but no hug in response.

He said on Fri nite he's goin to the movies, I asked w/ who, he hesitated and said "with me, myself and I" I asked why wasn't I invited (since the girls are out of town) and he said B/c you weren't invited. I said Ok whatever. He said Why whatever, and I said b/c your answer was a bit sarcastic and I'm not in the mood. So then he began to talk lightly about something, and tried joking, but I wasn't in the mood to Act as if, I just gave him a smile, and got ready for bed.

Sat nite he's going to a friend's house for a few beers, so that means this wknd, which is our last wknd to do something alone together, before the girls get back, he's choosing to go do things alone. It's just proof that we're nowhere near a R.

[2gthrButApart]

I'm trying so hard to hold on, especially when I see a lil' sign of hope. But I think it' like a desert mirage. My heart is making me see things that my head knows aren't really there. I think all of th lil' signs of hope are just ways he's trying to be nice so our D can be a friendly one. I have the feeling he has no intention of a R.

On his trip, he brought me some souvenirs, one was a shirt that said Someone who Loves me got me this shirt...I said Oh I thought it was going to say someone went to....and all I got was this stickin' t-shirt. He said he saw that one but decided to get me the one that says love instead. I thought it was a sign of "something" but maybe it's not, of course he loves me, but he's not in love with me, as he has said several times. So why the heck can't I let him go, as he has so easily done me.

I feel like I'm out in the middle of the ocean, waiting to be rescued, eaten by sharks or just drown from fighting so long and hard. I keep thinking I "see a rescue crew" but it's just my imagination, my heart playing tricks on me. I love my H so much, but I just can't take the pain, the distance, being brushed off, not being chosen...I just can't take it anymore. My friends tell me I'm doing great, but I feel I'm just staying afloat, the shore is nowhere in sight.

[craig54]

2g, Take your focus off your husband, don't try to read anything into what he does or says. You will drive yourself bonkers. Take the energy you are using to focus on your husband and focus on yourself.Pray for help , pray for patience, guidance. Keep busy so you won't worry about your husband. I know it hurts, but it will get easier and you will heal.This takes time.

[2gthrButApart]

One day I'm doing well, then the next I feel so unbalanced. I hate feeling insecure. And I hate all of these emotional wars my body's fighting. I can be up one min, then scared/angry/nervous/worried the next. And I'm trying so hard not to concentrate on H, but when he gives me these lil' signs of hope, it confuses me. Then when he backs off makes me wonder if he's trying not to give me the wrong impression of "us".

He knows I want to stay M, so he knows he's holding all the cards right now. He knows he's controlling our future.

[kjensen]

Expect for every step closer, a step backwards. Your H is conflicted. He's not sure what he wants. One way to stay sane is to try to detach emotionally from your husband. Don't follow him on his emotional rollercoaster ride. Show love and compassion from a distance. Be wary of those hopeful moments. They'll keep coming and going for awhile. Definitely set boundaries and GAL. Focus on your kids.
And remember he is not holding all the cards even though it feels like that. You are an individual-you are not attached at the hip. Do what you need to do to get your needs fulfilled, to feel stable, calm and happy. It takes a lot of work, but if H knows that you are OK without him, you will seem to be of more value to him(b/c you are not a "sure thing"). He's controlling HIS future. You are controlling YOUR future. Those futures may be one and the same, but right now they are diverging-and one hard part of this journey is letting that divergence happen, knowing you might meet up down the road or you might not(and you WILL be OK if you don't).

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks KJ,

I've definitely mastered the Act as If rule. He doesn't see me break down anymore, not since Dec or Jan I think. I cried in Feb and he got really mad. I vent here, so that he doesn't see my weakness. Some days I'm doing awesome, and I can be someone else's rock on here, then I have days where I just can't take it, and I need a few rocks LOL. I'm feeling ok right nowplanning on heading to the gym after dinner is done.

[2gthrButApart]

Bad night, guess I backslid. I snooped and saw he's been using his secret email address again. I flipped out on him, and he reminded me we are not together. I told him that's true but that for as long as there's no divorce, I don't disrespect him, he said he dosn't disrespect me either, but not to worry b/c the papers are coming soon. I guess all those nice gestures from him were out of pity, or him being nice to keep things cool. He was never going towards a reconciliation. I guess we really are DONE.

[2gthrButApart]

Hi people, haven't been on for a long time. I have been managing to claw myself out of the hole I dug for myself when I called my H and accused him of cheating, before my last post.

I have been sticking to my 180's and a lot more changes.

Two wks ago, my H and I had an argument, he reminded me he wants a D, I told him fine but I will contest it b/c we haven't tried anything to fix our M. He told me to get over it, we're done, move on like he will. He looked up D info for our state and was telling me everything we need to get done. I said I already knew that, surprised he asked me how, I told him b/c I already looked it up as well. I said you know what, fine File, I'll sign your papers, I won't contest a thing. We left it as that.

He went out for the day, that evening he told me he looked up MC, and asked if I think that will be best, I told him I know of a 7 wk M program we can try, since MC failed us before. He agreed.

So now we are in a sort of R mode. We are going to do the program, he said that even if it hasn't worked in the 7 wks, he's not just going to get up and leave. He will continue to implment what the program recommends.He wants us to do things that will bring us closer together. He said he'd like to try to start as new as possible, he wants to try to forget as much as the past hurts as he can. He also said he wants to try to work on him wanting to stay in our home, for himself, right now he's still there b/c of our 2 daughters.

Things are still the same, no affection, we do still ML, that has never stopped in this 8 month seperation. The kisses are still on the cheeks, but we will work on us.

Friday we went on a date, but there was no type of affection. Yesterday was our 13th anniversary, and he did not acknowledge it as he did our wedding anniversary in March when he bought me flowers.

Hopefully our 7 wk program works and we can build up our M again.