WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[antlers]

If it's the 'necessary' thing to do, for your relationship and yourself, then it's the right thing to do!

When they make up their mind to leave, I believe they're leaving. Nothing I could say or do would have changed my wife's mind. Doesn't mean that 'it's over'!

Hopelessness is a normal response. Don't despair, and don't give up on your marriage.

[confusedinpa]

If it's the 'necessary' thing to do, for your relationship and yourself, then it's the right thing to do!

When they make up their mind to leave, I believe they're leaving. Nothing I could say or do would have changed my wife's mind. Doesn't mean that 'it's over'!

Hopelessness is a normal response. Don't despair, and don't give up on your marriage.

I don't want to give up on my marriage. It's just hard to keep going. She has her mom supporting her - not to get a divorced - but by being there for her. Her mom is VERY anti-divorce

I'm not close to my family at all - most of the time, my mom would just talk to my wife. I talk to my mom maybe once every 3 months. I guess that's part of my problem. I am inherently a loner. I hadn't talked to many people and would just spend time to figure it out on my own. This made my wife feel left out.

Last nite and this morning I reminded my wife of that. Between the truck financing and the investment financing last nite and this morning I had told her that since she's not going on Monday, I pulled in the appointment to 5PM so I could be home in time to put the kids to bed. She seemed a little put off as yet there was another decision I made without talking to her about it. It just seems like no matter what I do I can't do right by her.

I know it's easy to get into a state of despair.

I must pull myself out of it

I am meeting a friend for lunch that I hadn't talked to in a while. I had talked to her for a bit when this first blew up. She is happily married with a very young child so there is nothing inappropriate going on other than she is an ear that will be there to listen. I had let it slip to my wife that I had been talking to a female friend and my wife had gotten very upset. Maybe that's why I backed off, or my friend's schedule got too busy or what. She has sent emails checking on me occassionally. It has been a while since we met for lunch to chat.

That's been part of my problem, most of my close friends are over 100 miles away so I don't see them often.

I know this will be part of me getting a life. Finding new friends to spend the time with. I just hope I remember how....

[antlers]

I don't want to give up on my marriage. It's just hard to keep going.

Then don't give up! I don't intend to either. Even when things look pretty bad, we've got to keep it up. When you're going through hell...keep going. I know it's hard to keep going. Patience is everything. Learn it, live it. Perseverence too!

[song]

I would suggest reading robx's advice on this thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...age=1&fpart=all

he makes some excellent points and recommendations, and I think they would apply in your sitch. Hang in there friend

[confusedinpa]

Then don't give up! I don't intend to either. Even when things look pretty bad, we've got to keep it up. When you're going through hell...keep going. I know it's hard to keep going. Patience is everything. Learn it, live it. Perseverence too!

Antlers,

Thanks for the encouragement. It is hard to keep going when things are looking this bleak. I know I must continue for my boys.

Thanks for the support

[antlers]

Then don't give up! I don't intend to either. Even when things look pretty bad, we've got to keep it up. When you're going through hell...keep going. I know it's hard to keep going. Patience is everything. Learn it, live it. Perseverence too!

Antlers,

Thanks for the encouragement. It is hard to keep going when things are looking this bleak. I know I must continue for my boys.

Thanks for the support

I know. But this mindset (DB'n) says that you can save a marriage even if only one of you believe in it, and want to! There are lots of success stories here, many of them on the brink of hopeless failures! Don't give up hope, especially when things look really bad. Try, hard as it is, to hang in there. Often, I think, people want a quick resolution and 'do something' to bring the uncertainty and pain to an end...even if it's something they really don't want to happen. Don't give in to that. Believe in it, and do what this information teaches. Doing what works, and not doing what doesn't work. People here have gotten back together even after divorce! Keep praying that God will help. He, and this information (and actually doing what it teaches), and some luck...those are the only hopes we really have at this point. I'll have good thoughts for you.

[confusedinpa]

I would suggest reading robx's advice on this thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...age=1&fpart=all

he makes some excellent points and recommendations, and I think they would apply in your sitch. Hang in there friend

Song,

That was interesting reading. Thanks for checking in on my thread

[confusedinpa]

Guess the conundrum is now what.

She has said that she needs help to get this done quickly. I do not want to help. I feel that would not be the right thing to do. She needs help packing and moving things. I don't see doing that. Anyone have comments on that?

She's not going to change her mind while we are at this point of the journey. I can't see her giving up quickly then once she has struggled so hard to actually leave

She never responded to my email - I did expect that. I'm actually stressing about going home and finding out what else has been moved. It is hurtful but I know I must detach from what she is doing.

I need to get back to getting a life. I had a good lunch with my friend, although we spent most of the time just getting her caught up on my situation. She really understands my side as she has had similar issues with her husband not understanding her. She had struggled with the same issues, but unlike my wife, she was able to stand her ground and get her point across. I wish my wife had that same resolve.

I do have a phone call with a recruiter today for a job about 75 miles away. I'm not really looking to leave my current job, but it does offer an opportunity to escape and start fresh in a new state/city. I'm not that excited about it as it will make it harder for me to see my boys and will certainly destroy any chances of getting back to together (assuming there is any left).

I am thinking back to the conversation my wife and I had this morning. How we both were at a loss of what to do. We are both working for a different outcome so we can't work together to reach a common goal.

I know what I need to do is keep working my 180 and getting a life. I need to detach from what my wife is doing, I can't control that. So is anyone in the Philadelphia area that want to help me get a life?

[antlers]

Guess the conundrum is now what.

She needs help packing and moving things. I don't see doing that. Anyone have comments on that?

She's

If my wife had asked for my help, I would have helped her. I did help her in the end because she needed it. It took about 6 weeks from the time she told me she was leaving for her to get moved out. It killed me to do it, but I thought, under the circumstances, it was the right thing to do.

[confusedinpa]

If my wife had asked for my help, I would have helped her. I did help her in the end because she needed it. It took about 6 weeks from the time she told me she was leaving for her to get moved out. It killed me to do it, but I thought, under the circumstances, it was the right thing to do.

Antlers,

Thanks for your input. That seems to be one approach to it

Anyone have a counter argument/debate?

Both my therapist and my DB coach said I should not do anything to help her move.