... if I were to find out he was continuing to deceive me and has just become an all time pro at it, I will be devestated if the reality of that comes to light.
...AND it does fall to them to reassure us that we can begin to feel 'safe' again.
The old "conned again" loop... Being devastated if they do it again... Their responsibility... Boy, does that sound familiar. Exactly where I was stuck for years and it sucks.
I think the reason I didn't feel conned again this last time, (though I did have a thread called "done being duped", lol), is that I made the choice to trust fully recognizing that I might be let down. So, I really wasn't conned again, I was disappointed. This is a big difference for me... Before, when I tried to trust, I thought that meant I had to have blind faith. This last time, it meant that I would not bury my head in the sand, but that I would have the expectation that he would be honest with me. Hmmmm. It is so hard to describe....
Suppose you hire a shoplifter to work in your store who is supposedly reformed. You might have no doubts about them, and be devastated when they steal from you. You might not ever really trust them, be ever watchful, and no matter how you tried to hide this, they will know, and likely wind up stealing from you as a result, a la self-fulfilling prophecy. Or you might choose to trust them, but in a realistic manner. This wouldn't mean that they wouldn't have to work on keeping and increasing your trust. You start small and increase the trust as they earn more. But this is a mutual effort... Unless you take the risk to let them unpack stock, without assuming they will steal it, they'll never succeed in earning your trust so that you are comfortable letting them run the cash register. Now, suppose you took that risk, and then they stole from you. Would you feel conned? Or would you feel disappointed, but glad that you did the right thing in helping the person?
Yeah, another hokey analogy, but my point is that trust is between two people, one person can destroy the trust, but one person cannot rebuild it, no matter how unfair that seems... Waiting for them to do so sets you both up for failure.
Now, I don't mean that the person who broke the trust doesn't need to do a lot of work. In DR, I think, there's an example of a S who had an A who made themselves an open book. I think that is a wonderful act, and one that you might reasonably ask for. But, when I was stuck in the old conned again loop, my H did this for a long time, and it still wasn't enough. If he took to long at the store, I would worry years later. Poor guy. Yuck. As long as rebuilding trust is one person's responsibility, it is an impossible task.
A final thought: LL wrote that she didn't know HOW to trust again. I felt the same way. I also didn't know HOW to forgive. I'm doing much better with the trust thing, and am getting closer to the forgiveness thing. But, they both turn on doing it for ourselves. Michelle tells us that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Trust is also a gift we give ourselves.
