Wondering how to handle things

[Sanderika]

Good Morning kissak,

I mirror your thought that the past 2 1/2 for you and 3 1/2 for me have been the worst years of my life.

When my H left me I did the typical crying and begging, literally on the floor at his feet. I soon realized it was driving him further away. I realized I must look pitiful.

One day two weeks after he left I decided on my own that I would change my life. I now believe it took him leaving me (the kick in the butt) for me to see the downward spiral I was on. I did a 360 in about 30 days and I have not looked back. I changed my thoughts and appearance. I immediately tried to wear a smile instead of a frown. I immediately realized it was easier to be nice to people instead of mean. I liked the changes I was making and that was the motivation for me to continue. I also knew if I had a snowball's chance in he!! to get my H back I needed to change. I saw a doctor and got on meds which I took from September in '05 until May of '06. I have been a new person ever since and I did it alone.

I actually have thanked my H for doing what he did because I know down deep I would not have made any changes without such an awakening trigger.

My H was gone from our lives completely (except I saw him at work) from Sept. '05 until Jan 3, '06. It took him 4 months to come back around and start to notice the changes and admit his part in our separation. I knew the whole time by the way he had found someone else. He did deny it the entire 4 months.

Everytime my H grows distant and there are too many times to count I begin to panic. I always begin to think that he has decided to leave for good. But, he never really is able to leave. He has told me recently that he cannot have a permanent relationship with OW because he cannot get over me. That is where I want to trust him, I am finding it very difficult.

We, like the two of you, get along great. We laugh and have wonderful talks. We have so much in common. I miss him when we are not together. The time has not lessened that for me. I am truly in love with him and do believe we are meant to be together, sole mates if you will. We have always shared so much and have been through so much together even before this all happened. My H is a cancer survivor as well. He got cancer during our 5th year of marriage. I stood by him and do feel I had a great deal to do with his recovery. He has now developed type 2 diabetes and I want to be there for him as much as ever.

Kissak, we knew this would be the most painful journey we would ever embark on. I think neither one of ever realized our H's would be gone so long. I agree we have learned many valuable lessons along the way. I for one would not trade what I have learned. The pain is easier but it never really goes away. Some days are better than others. I have many more good days now than bad. I am not sorry I am a stander.

OH, school just called my son isn't feeling well....got to run.

Take care,

Sanderika