Tal/fightingirish Your relationship with your husband reminds me sooo much of mine, even though ours has spun further out of control(we no longer sleep together) and we`re both hanging on in here by the teeth though probably for different reasons.
I`m gone beyond Michelle Weiner`s books for advice. I`ve done the 180 and everything else I can think of but keep believing that out of all this insanity there is still hope. Our relationship spiralled out of control because I did not feel loved by my husband and wish I`d realised a long time ago that no matter what I did/said/looked like H would turn against me.
Rob sums up my H for me too: "your description of your H sounds like a classic "Mr. Nice Guy". He sounds like the type called "the avoider". He has few male friends, feels victimized by you, his wife, complains of a lack of sex but doesn't seem to really know how to assert his desires constructively or successfully, has a problem in realizing healthy sex which often leads to unproductive outlets (Internet porn in his case.) He genuinely thinks he is a nice guy but feels put upon by those he wants to help, which in the end is a form of intellectual dishonesty. The avoider seems to bend over backwards for everyone else but his partner."
I know now that my H was hugely affected by his father`s phyical violence towards his mother. I know now that H is full of fear which seems I think to be why he needs to control me.
I wish I`d reacted more calmly to him in the past. He got ridiculously critical saying things like "you have no friends" "You have no class" I picked up his volleys every time and fired them back.
I realise now he was coming from a frightened place. He needed(still needs) professional help from a good therapist. And my only job is to fully mind me and the kids. I cannot be his victim nor his rescuer.
Yes, I`m still hanging on in here by the teeth and hoping things will work out. Doesn`t look like it right now. But miracles happen don`t they?
So, from the bit I`ve learnt, 1.stay calm. 2.Mind you really well-lots of sleep, good food, new clothes. 3.Mind the kids. 4.Make as many happy memories for yourself and the kids through this difficult time;you want to be able to look back on this stage with a little fondness. 5.Go to therapy/read self help books/audio books whatever is your thing. 6.Keep your friends.Hang out with them, have a laugh. You`ll need one or two to help you through this but not the whole shooting gallery. 7.Don`t rise to the bait when you see your H looking to start a row-hes just looking to blame you for his crap feeling. * If you`re bothered about the possibility of him going through your PC stuff delete temp internet files -or at least your history as it won`t help you if he`s hanging out here. And always remember to log out.
I found a couple of articles on the net useful. Go google for "Living with the Passive Aggressive Spouse" and "The Boomerang Relationship". They might describe a little of where you`re at.
Take heart.
We have had happier times.My husband has always tried to control me with his moods but hey! I`m no angel either! We`ve three great kids and the potential to have many more happy times. He doesn`t see it like that right now and maybe we will have to separate before he does see it.
I`m ready to stay and put in the work. But I`m also ready to go make a new life for myself if he doesn`t come to his senses soon.
Tried to pm you, but couldn`t.Will watch this space for your updates and I wish you well.
