WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[MrBond]

"Not sure if she's trying to get me mad or what."

No she's just doing it to take care of things. You're still trying to read her. Remember, what she does, doesn't matter. You're driving yourself nuts analyzing her every move.

"Has anyone else gotten to this conflict emotionally?"

Yes everyone goes through this. It's perfectly the natural flow of things.

"My therapist/our counselor points out that we seem to be different from most couples going through this, there is usually a lot of emotions. She doesn't see that from my wife."

Your W does go through alot of emotions...re-read your posts. She just doesn't show them in C. Probably like a defensive mechanism - shields around her heart.

"I feel hurt, sad, disappointed and frustrated at times, but I don't think I've been angry. She thinks that is very odd. Has anyone else not gotten angry?"

Again, re-read your posts. You have gotten angry and frustrated. You will get angry and frustrated throughout this whole ordeal. It's not going to stop when she moves out.

As hard as it sounds, all this is par for the course. What you're going through is what we all have.

You're handling it very well. Remember that you can only control your emotions and how you feel. Do things to get your mind off it. Pray alot and make the J-man your best friend. The clouds and shadows hovering over you will go away. I promise.

[antlers]

So give her her space and GAL like mad, and recapture some of the swagger you rolled with when you met her.

This is good advice for most all of us.

[confusedinpa]

I just spent the last 1.5 hours on the phone venting/crying to get through tonite. She's still not back yet. At this rate, I hope she doesn't come back tonite. I don't want to see her or deal with her.

Maybe I'm mad

She did get back after 2 hours

All she said was that she was going to bed

I was torn about saying something but when she text me if I wanted to talk about anything, I fell for the bait

She climbed into our bed with me to talk

I started by saying how I was torn about saying anything tonite but felt if I didn't it would be too much like the past. Our counselor had said that we need to talk and be open about our feelings. So I said it was hurtful to me to see how things are moving out everyday. She said that she could try and move out faster but it was hard since she didn't have any help

I said she misunderstood. I still don't want her to leave but I know she feels she has to. I told her that I wasn't going to stop her but I wasn't going to help her either.

Then we got into a relationship discussion. I told her my feelings haven't changed. She got into how she still needs to decide if she wants to be in a relationship with me.

It didn't go to bad until she said something about financial help with her moving out. She brought up how she still is taking the SUV with the car payment while my truck is paid off. I stopped her and said that I have payments on my truck. She got mad that there was yet another thing that she didn't know about nor was included in the decision. She said that she felt I thought she was too stupid to include her in these decisions

I started to explain how it came about but shifted to acknowledging, validating and appologizing

She said she was tired and was going to bed

Then I realized that there was another big decision I made last year that she would be finding out about when I get the taxes done so I decided to just tell her was she was already mad, rather than having 2 nites of it

So I knocked on the door and went into the spare bedroom and explained it to her. She didn't get that mad (so it seemed). She wound up asking why didn't I explain it when she brought it up in counseling last year. I said I thought she just wanted to know what the investment was about, not how I financed the deal. She got frustrated and angry. I acknowledged and validated and appologized

She then brought up sharing hopes and dreams. She said last year when we went out to dinner with our friends, she over heard me talking about things I wanted to do to the house. She was hurt as she hadn't known about them and had to find out eavesdropping on a conversation. I acknowledged and validated. I told her that was in the past. I will not make the same mistake again as I am learning from the past mistakes

So it goes on

[MrBond]

"Maybe I'm mad"

So much for you not being angry. Like I mentioned before it's going to keep going up and down.

[confusedinpa]

"Maybe I'm mad"

So much for you not being angry. Like I mentioned before it's going to keep going up and down.

So true.

One of the things last nite, I was I saying that this is what she wanted (separtion/divorce) and it wasn't what I wanted, so this was entirely her choice. She said that was not true. She said that what she wanted was "Happily Ever After". I told her that was something we both agree on, was wanting "Happily Ever After". I told her that I am committed to doing my share to get there, it's her decision whether she wants to or not.

Last nite our 3 year old had another accident. She woke up again to help (she never had prior to the previous nite). She just went right back to bed. I did knock on the spare bedroom door and thanked her.

This morning she was still mad. Not chit chat or anything.

I told her that I see that she's still upset. She said what did I expect, she feels like she doesn't know what to do. I almost used Anothernightmare's coaching of saying "That's a horrible feeling. Is there anything I can do to help" but didn't because I didn't want to help her move out. I just told her that's a horrible feeling.

I am so torn on helping her move vs. focusing on what I want. I read the other article of where the person helped his wife moved out and they were best friends. I don't want that.

I'm tempted to send her an email to applogize for anything that I said that was hurtful and include the Time Together article, but suspect that's the wrong thing to do as well.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

She wound up sending me an email on something that she had worked on that wound up on a press release.

I replied to her with the following with the Time Together article attached:

"Wow, that’s very impressive! I am very proud of you, and always have been.

I’m sorry if I said anything last nite that was hurtful. This is a very difficult and painful situation that we have gotten ourselves to.

The mistakes that we have made in the past and are valuable lessons for us to learn from.

Choosing “Happily ever after” will take us down a different path than the one we were following. This will take time. Our time is the greatest gift that we can share with one another.

You are a very important to me. Not as the mother to our children, but as a woman. I do want to share my life with you as an equal partner and my closest, dearest friend. This includes all of my hopes, dreams, thoughts and feelings. I am sorry that I didn’t fully understand what that meant before. I understand better now and am learning everyday."

It was probably too much and didn't help matters at all. I debated sending second paragraph. The rest was a continuation of our conversation from last nite. I don't really expect a response. If I do get one, I don't expect it to be anything beyond thanks or ok or oh or thanks for sharing.

During the relationship discussion, I had talked about how this is her choice and what she wants. That's when she said for the first time that what she had really wanted was "Happily ever after" so this was not really her choice. That is what led up to our discussion on how she needs to decide if she wants to have a relationship with me.

One of her frustrations she vented last nite was how she couldn't get through to me until what she had to do on Jan 9th. She said even now there are little things that she says that I don't get. I acknowledged and validated and said that we are at least at the point where if I don't get it, we are comfortable enough to let each other know. She said that's not normal and it shouldn't be that way.

She said that she's still angry and hurt by the way I made her feel unimportant and disrespected. She didn't feel like a wife, but just a mom. One of her friends that I talked to last nite, she is the wife of one of my close friends, said the same thing to me. I validated and acknowledged and reiterated that was the past and I've learned from those mistakes.

I did say that I agreed with our counselor that I wished that she had said something to me, even if it was at a point where she would lock us in a room and say that we weren't leaving until I understood what she was trying to say. She said that she would try to say things but would stop when I said she was nagging. Then she would bottle it up until it got bad and when she would bring it out, she said I would say I would just treat it as a cycle that would blow over.

I told her that if she felt that I wished that she would have taken a baseball bat and beat it into me until I had gotten it. She said she couldn't do that as she would have gotten into trouble. I tried to explain it was an analogy as I told her that I feel that we are able to talk about things that are bothering us now and we are learning from that.

She then brought up how she didn't even know my hopes and dreams and was hurt that I didn't feel comfortable enough to share. I validated and acknowledged.

I really feel like this is the end and I keep making it worse. I am at a loss of what to do.

Everyone says let her go and go dark/dim. Every my therapist/our counselor said that. I think it's because she's worried more about my mental health/well being. Is this really best for our relationship? I won her over in the beginning as I made her feel like the most important person. I understand the strategy to dark/dim is to make her realize that she misses me.

Thing is my wife is very strong willed and once her mind is made up there is no turning back. She will "force" herself to be happy and move on. I'm not sure how going dark/dim works with WAW's like that. Anyone have any experience with that?

[volleydog]

This sounds like my wife. She told me the same thing when I said it was her choice, she said she felt like she had no choice,ect...

Thing is my wife is very strong willed and once her mind is made up there is no turning back. She will "force" herself to be happy and move on. I'm not sure how going dark/dim works with WAW's like that. Anyone have any experience with that?

Sounds exactly like mine, but I do think the going dim helped me and her. Our R is better now we don't fight we laugh have fun, ect. I think your W like mine wants to work it out and have a great M but they are afraid of it going back to the way it was. I'm worried about that also, what if we do get back together and fall into the same rut that got us here, I don't want to go through this again.

Keep strong and know that if you don't give her space and take time for yourself things more than likely won't work out.

[confusedinpa]

Sounds exactly like mine, but I do think the going dim helped me and her. Our R is better now we don't fight we laugh have fun, ect. I think your W like mine wants to work it out and have a great M but they are afraid of it going back to the way it was. I'm worried about that also, what if we do get back together and fall into the same rut that got us here, I don't want to go through this again.

Keep strong and know that if you don't give her space and take time for yourself things more than likely won't work out.

Volleydog,

I appreciate the feedback/insight. The ironic part of it was that my wife and I never fought. Either that or our fights were so small that they didn't seem like fights. For example her comment about her saying things to me repeatedly and I would say she was nagging. She would drop it as soon as I said she was nagging. Interestingly enough, the only time I remember saying nagging was when I was joking about it.

I know letting her have time and space is the right thing to do, but its just so against my personality to just sit by and wait.

Thanks again for checking in on me. I'm really at odds emotionally and need all the help I can get!

[antlers]

Keep strong and know that if you don't give her space and take time for yourself things more than likely won't work out.

Good advice. Hard to do. Absolutely necessary.

[confusedinpa]

Keep strong and know that if you don't give her space and take time for yourself things more than likely won't work out.

Good advice. Hard to do. Absolutely necessary.

The hardest part for me is to believe that it's the right thing to do. I know it is the necessary thing to do, but I just don't believe it's the right thing to do. Sounds odd, but that's just how I feel.

I know it would be so much more bearable if I believed it was the right thing to do.

I have to remember that's what my DB coach also said to do if she moved out, go Dark.

My therapist, who's also our counselor, said go Dark.

My mind says go Dark

My heart says don't

What to do......

I've been following my mind, not my heart, prior to the bomb and it has delivered me to this he**. Following my heart is what's driving my 180.

But I have to remember the cheeseless tunnel. By doing what I've been doing, she is still he**bent on leaving. She's felt that way since the Jan bomb. It is crazy to keep doing something and expect a different result.

I must do something different.

The stakes are just so high, not just for me, but for my wife and the boys......

Argh!!! I just want to scream!