Well, today we got an offer on the house which we have decided to accept. Should be letting the estate agent know tomorrow. I have very mixed feelings on this, especially as the house is particularly lovely at the moment with the spring flowers but I know I have to move on. I am finding it quite hard though.
So, we shall see.
H and I have exchanged a few texts. I realised that I set my expectations to high after the conversation and I have reminded myself how much I interact with my friends normally and apply that to h instead of setting unrealistic expectations.
I'm feeling pretty rough at the moment with a spring cold that everyone else seems to have at the moment. I'm eating loads of fruit and veg to try and ward it off!
Hi Julia, I know how hard it is to leave your home. I spent hours in my garden before I left mine, convinced I would never see another flower! yes I was a big drama queen but I had made and tended my large garden for 20 years,planted every single bulb and tree and shrub, so I know how you feel. The house I moved to was known as the shoe box! and it has a tiny garden but guess what I have daffs and tulips, lily of the valley,forsythia,roses trees etc so all will be well for you.
Hope the cold goes soon, its a dreadful night here, gales &rain
oh well we do have Bank Holiday approaching! Not sure why you moved back here ? did you have a deep and meaningful reason or just got homesick. I actually thought you were doing great on the path you were on. Take care.
So I didnt get what you meant.. did you mean that you have exchanged a few texts and thats a good thing, more like how your friends are, or you felt that it wasnt enough?
Like I said though, until OW is out of the picture (and IF, like my own sitch) I dont see what will change. Has anyone (SIL, BMF's?) ever indicated that he isnt happy with her, or that its not likely to last or dont you know? Shame about the cold !!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((Naej))) thank you for reminding me that I can make a new home for myself again. You are right, I do remind myself of all the downsides to this house - how far it is from places, the running costs etc. and I try to keep in mind that I have been fortunate enough to be able to enjoy it for 2 years anyway, after the year I spent demolishing walls and things!! You know, I slept through that storm. I didn't hear it at all!
I moved back here because I thought I had no other option but to go to Surviving. Now it seems there maybe, no matter how slim I have to take the opportunity whilst still sticking with the plans I made in Surviving, I'm not straying from that path, I am just leaving the window open a crack.
(((Ali))) Yes, I think I was a bit confused too, or had mixed feelings. We exchanged a few texts and it was a good thing, however it didn't 'satisfy' me because I had raised my expectations. So, I have lowered them again and it feels a little better. I modelled it on how frequently I keep in contact with my other friends and it really helped. I was working on a relationship basis for frequency of communication and I have to remember we are nowhere near there!
With regards to ow I understand what you are saying but I have taken the viewpoint that while I see her as a factor yes, she is not my concern. H expressed an interest in being friends, he did that independently of her so therefore my relationship with him is my concern; he can manage his relationship with her. I don't know if that makes any sense.
(((Mishka))) Thank you the move will cut into my saving ability now I think but I shall keep on trying to save. Wouldn't that be fab to have a DB meet up
I think what you are saying is... you want to stay friends with him and see if there is a chance, in the future, if they ever break up. My ex waited for me.. he was secretly in love with me and I met and moved in with another man... but he became my best friend and when me and that guy broke up 2 1/2 years later.. he was the first person I wanted to tell and then we got together.. and the rest, as we say is history.
But you know what? He didnt just wear a hair shirt and a chastity belt whilst he 'waited'.. he waited in his heart, but in reality, he also met and moved in with a gf and they were together for over 2 years.. It didnt matter to me.. if somethings meant to be, it will be. And it was never true love with our ex's.
I guess I am saying, you have to be realistic.. he is living with ow and making a life with her for now.. if he is ever going to come back to you.. he will anyway, even if you do go off travelling or date someone else.. and if you fell in love with someone else? Well, then it wont matter anyway will it.. your ship will have sailed. Capcihe? as T would say.
you want to stay friends with him and see if there is a chance, in the future, if they ever break up.
No, I would like him to choose me. Of course I know there is a strong chance he may not do so, I am fully realistic, but I can increase my chances right by being a strong, confident and attractive woman.
I'm not hanging around either in the meantime waiting, I hope that has been evident from my posts. I have a great life, it is tinged with loneliness sometimes and I have sad moments but don't we all. It is particularly hard at the moment with the difficult finance questions we are going to have to face and the physical and emotional turmoil of moving but I have no intention of sitting around waiting. I'm getting on with my picnic as Lisa would say.
I have fun flirting and stuff with men that come across my path and who express interest - that guy travelling halfway across London on the tube just to get my number was hilarious - but my heart is in my marriage. It might not be forever, H is taking a huge risk with that but for now, as I have seen progress after being so patient I can afford to be patient a little longer and carry on with what I am doing. It seems to be working, and anyway I have no choice in the matter as we have to interact over this house move. I want to make those as positive as possible.
Ahh.. I see.... you would rather he decided its you he wants afterall and then broke up with her to be with you ! I get it. Thats fair enough then.
I guess I am in the same boat... and also looking at hooking up with a certain Piscean!
Maria always said.. as soon as you let go, psychically switch off and fall for someone else.. its like they can sense it, they get scared and THEN they want you back !! So annoying, but thats human nature I guess.
Won't it be wonderful when all our sitches are resolved and we KNOW how it turned out, either way.
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi Julia (Ali), I think I may have missed something. What was it from HIM that made you feel there is a chance? And I say from him because in your heart there was always the desire. Like with most of us, no matter what we say, unless it really is TOO late...
Julia, I just noticed your M was "short." So I bet you were still in the "honeymoon" era and it hit you hard. It's sad that this happened so early. Try and take care of you. At this point he has made a choice and it is pretty clear. If he changes his mind and you are still willing to have him back, it will be prefect. But if he doesnt any time soon, please dont let time pass. Life is too precious and short. And you have it ahead of you. xxxx K
I have been compiling a list of what has worked and what hasn't. I thought it might be useful to keep up my PMA and remind myself not to backslide at this difficult stage.
What has worked 1. Letting H set the pace - reacting instead of initiating He contacted me roughly every 10 days give or take 2. Being more neutral in my texts and emails and taking the emotion out. H was very guarded in the beginning but slowly, over time opened up and has become more natural and friendly as he felt safer in my reactions. 3. Not stressing about the pace of his responses and not showing irritation at his slow responses. 'Getting on with my picnic' in the meantime. H's response time has slowly improved over time as he got more confident in my reactions although it is still irratic. I have learnt not to take it personally. 4. Looking good when meeting him. The better I look the more at ease h seems with me. It helps reinforce that I am 'ok' and lessens his guilt. Obviously better for the PMA too! 5. Being patient It's a must and it took pressure off H. 6. Letting him set the mode of communication but having boundaries where text was not appropriate i.e. major financial stuff and house matters. H knew where he stood, no confusion. Now he suggests meeting up when it seems appropriate rather than hiding behind texts. 7. Showing H that I 'get it'. He doesn't have to fight against me anymore. 8. Regulating my moods and reactions to his communications Helps me be on a more stable emotional even keel. 9. Having more confidence in myself For my PMA and also makes my more attractive. 10. Stopping the blame game Helps me be on a more stable emotional even keel and means H and I can find consensus. 11. Letting him set perimetres for meetings - he always put a time limit on it, I didn't react to this. He no longer does this the more comfortable he has become with me. I now generally initate leaving. 12. Complimenting him This always makes him smile and feel good - I tended to be negative before. 13. Letting go of negative feelings towards him and accepting his feelings We had better interactions. He didn't feel like a slug around me. 14. Being his cheerleader instead of criticizing Again, negativity does not work and pushes him further away from me. 15. Stopping being bossy and controlling He appreciates me trusting his judgement 16. Focusing communication on non-personal issues - business only. H reacts much quicker in texts etc. Whenever he doesn't I don't take offense. 17. Don't take things personally, it is not a reflection on me!!! Makes living with it so much easier 18. Stopping all r talks and letting him take the lead on initiating them You can't force someone to talk before they are ready. 18. Do not mother him, be his peer Remembering I am only 27! 19. being friendly, light and upbeat in my interactions with him. Lets him know that I am ok.
What I did that did not work - pre DBing 1. Scheduling dates It took all responsibility off him. 2. Arranging for h to see a counsellor about why he walked away Counsellor was not pro-marriage and did so much harm to the situation. 3. Pressurising him to confront his health issues H was eventually grateful but it enforced my 'mother' approach and took a lot of nagging. 4. Talking to H's parents and trying to enlist their help H felt pressured and got angry at me. 5. R talk, pleading, crying I looked desperate and it increased H's guilt. Not desirable. 6. Trying to talk 'sense' into h and get my point across My 'sense' is not his 'sense'. It made H fight against me and feel more guilty and resent me. 7. Having an r talk every 3rd meeting to 'test the waters' Just ended up hurting me more!
