HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[trampledheart]

kjensen,

Yes my H had been having multiple A over the years! But all with his coworker (not mine)...

YES! You're absolutely right! It is high time I detached! I have to learn to love myself and treat myself better!

[kjensen]

Great Start! Make a new goal or two each day or week-whatever you feel you can accomplish..Yoga and meditation have been shown to help improve depression-so those type of classes might be doubly helpful.

Ask you doctor to check your thyroid level. Depression can be a symptom of low thyroid, which is often overlooked and easily remedied..
As far as meds, are you talking antidepressants? Well, being a pharmacist I would say most docs start with a group of drugs in the SSRI family(like prozac, zoloft, celexa..) They all have some possible side effects, all take about 3 weeks minimum to get to levels in your body to actually effect how you feel. Then, if you aren't getting the repsonse you need, and you are tolerating the drug well(side effects are bothering you), the dose is adjusted by your doctor. None of these medications are addictive.
They do affect the neurotransmitters(brain chemicals) in our bodies that regulate mood. Some of the SSRI drugs do need to be tapered off, rather than stopped cold turkey, otherwise you can have problems. Tapering off is not a big deal when a doctor or pharmacist is guiding you.

[MrBond]

TH,

Your list is EXCELLENT! If you want to try those first before taking meds, then do it. Sometimes we're in such a funk for so long that we think the answer comes out from a bottle. I was that way and decided to try the positive changes first before asking for a prescription. I'm glad I waited because I'm much happier, naturally.

The exercise especially is great at inducing pleasure endorphins into your body. All of your goals are great in terms of achieving the new you!

[LolaL]

Hey TH: I know sometimes people shy away from the AD's, but trust me when I say they are a life saver. I take 150 mg Effexor every day. I was taking them before the S, but I don't know how I would have gotten through this w/o them. There are others too, so I would defer to your doctor and let him pick out one for you. I like the Effexor personally because it does not make me feel disconnected in any way. As a matter of fact, if I don't take it, I can feel the difference, and wonder how the heck I managed to feel that way for so long.

[brandnewday]

TH,

I guess my point here is this....

Each one of us has to accept some responsibility for the demise of our Marriages.

Each one of us did things throughout the relationship that created certain issues.

If anyone says that their Marriage was perfect, and that there were never any problems, I would have to beg to differ.

I am NOT saying that having an affair is OK.....ever!

But there are reasons behind infidelity.

I am NOT saying that it is your fault that your Husband was unfaithful.

Were you fulfilling his needs throughout the Marriage?

Did you listen to him?

Did you make time for him?

Did you turn him down frequently for sex?

Did you pay more attention to your Daughter then to your Husband?

The list goes on.

The reason you are here is because you want to save your Marriage.

You have to begin with yourself.

You have to fix yourself before you can do anything else.

Your list of goals is good.

Now maybe you can be a little more introspective and see what other issues you need to work on.

[trampledheart]

I went to bed early from a headache after H and I had emails arguments. It started out about bills and went on to other subjects. There's parts that make me really sad, like when he said that coming back to me is not an option... Below are the emails, please give me your views and comments.

Me:
D21 wants to go see a counselor/psychiatrist because of all that's been going on but has no health insurance. You reassured D21 a year ago that you'd get her on a plan. What are you was going to do about D21's health and welfare, do you only care about OW? D21 does not like your choice of OW's welfare and future over hers and mine. You have no time or money for us, yet support OW when she gets laid off from her job, help OW start a business using your clout, calling in favors from friends & business associates. What have you done for D21 and I when we also recently were laid off?

H's response:
save your breath... help yourself. you're just ungrateful for anything i do anyway..... i am looking for a cost-effective solution for D21's healthcare. Btw, she only contacts me when it's on your behest - so stop doing that so she can be her own person and not your lackey!

My response:
You've know D21 all her life and YOU KNOW she would not contact anyone due to her shy, reserved personality - all her teacher have written about that on her report cards and meetings throughout her education. You are using some random statement that people who don't know her to say she should be contacting you. You are the parent. You were supposed to contact her - but you NEVER DID! You were NOT supposed to abandon her at most critical time. You didn't give her Xmas or birthday gifts for 2 years except a bottle of Tequila this Xmas! You are a coward! She is her own person - and she is depressed. WHY DON'T YOU CONTACT HER? YOU DON'T BECAUSE OF OW!!!


My response (I sent a 2nd email responding to the ungrateful comment):
If you think I'm ungrateful for everything you do, then why don't you consider what you have done from my perspective? You abandoned me and our home entirely. You abandoned D21 when she was having major problems and said you no longer have a daughter.

If you really want to address issues then why don't you go see a marriage counselor as I had asked so many times in the nearly 2 years that this has been going on? It's because you're in a mid-life crisis and prefer to remain in your fantasyland and not go back to something you feel is a burden. You don't want to try and save something because you have no courage. You prefer your euphoria and think that going back would be going to a dark place. That's mid-life crisis.

H's response:
you are correct. going back to you would indeed be a very dark place and is not an option.

My response:
As for not coming back to me - you only won't because you're a coward. You never complained of anything for 30 years that we were together. You are in mid-life crisis and after you come out of it, you will see how you destroyed everything. You will regret what you have done but it will be too late.

H's response:
look at yourself and stop trying to analyze me. you are the one who gave nothing and continues to give nothing.

My response:
I gave my whole life to us and our family.

And since you said I was correct, you must be in going through mid-life crisis...

If you prefer to not have D21 contact you on my behest, then do what you should do. Anyways, D21 probably wouldn't contact you at all otherwise, you had abandoned her and put her though hell. She doesn't like where you are, who you're with, and who you are right now. Why don't you change all that for her?

H's response:
whatever. she was much better when not living with you and not getting brainwashed everyday.

My response:
She was out of the house for 2 months in the summer. Party-time, escape time. Before and after those 2 months, she had to see what you're doing to us. She contacts you on my behest about what? Well let's see, the electricity turn-off notice or the water turn-off notice, the late mortgage pmt, the cable having been turned off several times, etc. Or the washer flooding, or the plumbing? See, if she has to contact you about that, how can she think kindly of your actions in the first place?

If you really loved and cared about her, you wouldn't be trying to come up with these excuses. Excuses to again, abandon her and get your people to say it's okay. You don't really care about her - you care about what other people think of you. You really want her out of the picture don't you? That's why you're doing this.

Look, she had asked you to try to come back home in May 2008 and you came for a week but were in Germany the whole time. You were saying "I love you" on the phone to OW the day you left for Germany, and when you got back, you left immediately without a word. Then later, you tell D21 you had to take your things and leave. But that was all an act. Wasn't if fun for you and OW to be mean to me that time?

By the way, do you know why I know that's how you and OW have fun? First, I know you - and many times, I've told you that I didn't like that part of you that likes to gossip and laugh about others with other women. Second, that time I called OW, she was giggling and laughing and couldn't hardly say anything...you were there "getting at her" and "playing with her" while we were on the phone. That's the mean fun that you like, and it spurs you on to do more.

(Just some background for everyone, so many times during our marriage, whenever I was on the phone, H used to try to fondle or have sex with me and distract me. So I could tell that's what he was doing to the OW... Oh and yes, I called OW once to see if we could meet at Starbucks to talk, this was 10/08.)

H's response:
you are an idiot. i am not responding to any more of these.

My response:
Why don't you just explain your point of view instead of making vague statements? "Idiot" because of which part? I'm only pointing out what I see from your actions, you never discuss anything, only name call, like "idiot".

H's response:
it doesnt matter what i say - you argue and invalidate any statement i ever made. you have no ability to see anything objectively.. now i am done for today.

My response:
Maybe you're right, I do have a tendency to argue. You always said I was great at that. But I will try to see things objectively, so please, go ahead...

H's response:
i am at work and used more time than i should have today. why dont you make a renewed effort to look for a job.

My response:
Because of the problems of having two households, it would be better if you had a roommate (male) so that you don't have to feel like you need to pay for OW's bills. Please try to distance yourself from her. I know you don't like my saying that you should try to distance yourself from her, but if you had a roommate instead, you could still see OW. Just not have to support her in anyway. So please do that.

H's response:
dont presume that you can tell me what to do. also do not presume that i will pay all your bills and that the tax return is your fun money. wtf!

just get the damn taxes sent out and get that f--ing money! also - keep looking for a job - i am not paying everything forever!

My response:
Fun money? Right. I think you're thinking that D21 and I are living on the beach with our boyfriend.

The tax return will go to things I need for D21 and our house to since it's in a neglected condition. Known problems that I have to get estimates on:

termite treatment
hardwood floor eaten by termites (replace boards or floor?)
deck repaired or replace
plumbing fixed
back door replaced
screens replaced on windows
windows/or window seal replacement
ventilation for heater area (you said you'd do it before winter but hadn't)
kitchen appliances : oven/stove, dishwasher, microwave oven, refrigerator
mattresses for beds
sprinklers fixed
lawn replaced

You're not paying for everything forever? You already stopped so that is why we are being hounded ande sued by collections agencies. You are ruining my credit. So that is why you need to do what is right - to fix that.

Like I said, I need you to get all our stuff in order to start a new life. So if you keep doing it this way, by having you pay for OW's welfare and fun times, then you're making mine and D21’s lives in a worse situation.

Distance yourself from her - get a male roommate. Get mine and D21's future established first. Live by yourself or with a roommate that will not depend on you for food, fun, trips, jewelry, etc. I don't have a boyfriend, so you don't need a girlfriend. That can come later for both of us after it's all settled.

Otherwise you will only make my situation and your daughter's situation worse.

And as for fun money, we haven't had a family vacation in years. We would like to go to Ireland, did you forget? We’re not gallivanting around like you are with your girlfriend. We haven't given boyfriends jewelry, trips, business start-up - at anyone's expense like you have.

H’s response:
YOU dont have any money. GET some and then do with it what you will.

OK - whatever. I'm tired and need to focus on work.

[MrBond]

TH,

Have you started reading the DB books yet? After two years you are still emotionally tied to your H. You can justify it all you want concerning trying to get your affairs in order, but reading the long post showed just how hung up you are about him.

You mention the OW quite often and that's a BIG part that you have to let go of. You have to start detaching and not just because your H doesn't contact you. You have to detach for yourself.

There's your 2x4.

It should never have gotten so emotionally charged. I understand about your D's problems, but you've got to calm down and not let your emotions get in your way. That's where the detachment comes into play.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Start detaching and not let that go on anymore with you.

{{{stuck}}}

[trampledheart]

kjensen,

I have an appointment next week so will see what meds would be best, thanks for your giving me your expertise.

stuck808,
I'll ask the doctor if he thinks I need meds... I know if would be best without it..

Lola,
Thank you for your info about Effexor, I also put that on the list with kjensens info on SSRI meds to ask doctor about.

BND,
I will have to look deeper, but off the bat:

Listening would easier if H would have said something - anything! But he really doesn't say much. Many people have commented that he always just listens and laughs, and never really says much. They said he's hard to talk to, keeps a wall up, doesn't open up.

Making time for him would be easier if he wasn't away 50-80% of the time for the last 7 years traveling for work. He didn't have time for us, my daughter and I would eagerly await his returns so we could be with him.

Sex - we had sex everyday that he was at home - no lie. Everyone is surprised to hear that but it's true. Sex was not a problem except when he started in 2006 to relentlessly try to have a--- sex! I was afraid to sleep with my back toward him!

Yes, my daughter always came first. When my daughter was younger, she would want me to sleep with her and he got mad at that. They used to fight over me! After she fell asleep, if I was awake I'd make it back to our bed... Maybe there is something to that... I will think more on this...

Please let me know what you all think about how H and I interact from the emails too... Thanks everyone!

[trampledheart]

Hi Stuck808,

Yes, I started to read DR...

Do you think that getting our affairs in order should be done without his help? If he's detached from me and our D, does that mean he thinks it's no longer his responsibility and should not be accountable for it?

When my father was told he's dying, against the doctor's advice, he came home to get all his affairs in order, called all of his children home, talked to us about what he wants us to do regarding life insurance and care of our mother...

Yes I am so attached to him. I told him before that to me, the fact that he's not here now is not much of a difference for me, since he was traveling 80% of the time anyways...

What do you think H is feeling or thinking?

[kjensen]

Hi TH,
WOW. I read the emails and tried to put myself in the receiving end and I felt very attacked. Personally, if I feel attacked i either attack back or withdraw. Seems like you H is withdrawing which isn't what you say you want...SO READ the DB books! All the way through! Over and over if needed.

Its fine to vent and let loose your perspective,feelings, analysis, but it only pushes the H away. So find another venue: journal, talk to a trusted friend who can just listen, write a letter to H and rip it up/burn it-whatever you do-stop venting to H(he is past caring and just feels attacked).MLCers don't want to be told of their failings(deep inside many MLCers already know they're failing)

DON"T bring up the OW at ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secondly, Choose whether you want to be right, or if you want to be happy. There's a lot of arguments in the emails on how you are right and H is wrong...The hurt and anger are coming out loud and clear...If that was directed at you, what would your instinct be??

Your D is going to need to develop a relationship with her father, without you in the middle. She is 21. Using her shyness as an excuse, is not respecting that she is an adult, and if she needs to communicate with her father(and you allow her to and stay out of the way), she will find a way.

There's some blame going on from both you and H. DETACH.

If you act like a victim, chances are H will treat you like one. You are not a victim, unless you choose to be. If you remain a "victim" in this relationship with your H, you won't be able to have a a healthy, grown-up relationship with him.

If you truly want your H back then you need to be a person someone wants to come home to. Don't be the angry/hurt wife who is always pointing out the failings of H. Don't be the attacking wife who is putting down the person H now cares for(the OW)..
Take the high road. Be the person H would want to come back to.
Start today. Focus on YOU-not H and not the OW.