Quoting lostlove: if I do get them (one for me and one for h) how might I present them in a way that will not seem pressureing or demanding????
LL
Why not start listening to them yourself first...then when you get into them say to h "I've been listening to these tapes to see if I could understand how we could meet each others needs better. Would you mind listening to them as well and letting me know if you think the author is on the right track in terms of describing men?"
PS I know you were asking poe but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in...it wouldn't work on my h, though..I'd have to glue the walkman to his head! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi..LL..I have been lurking..I hear your frustration and I don't know what to say.. I do know that I am not sure that h and I have ever bben "friends"..he has always provided..great father..lover..but as far as friend..no..to just sit and talk as friends do..no..he is kinda like your h(hmmm..all men!!??))pay the bills..then sit and watch tv..I have always asked him to do things..and he usually did..I guess you have to really dig and find out what you really want from a h..your h..the way he is. You know you can't change them and thinking so is only setting yourself and the m up for problems. When I now look at h or think of little things he did do, I discover that I have not taken the time or PATIENCE all these years to see all the good that he has in him...I am hoping that it is not too late...stop and look at your h..reflect back to all the good years that you have had...we might just be expecting too much now that the boats have been rocked.
I know you will do what you need to do for you..and that is the ultimate goal..to make you happy with your life.
Forgive me if you've answered the question I'm about to ask on one of your other posts but, would it be possible to type up an end of contract letter for your H to present/MAIL to this OW/client. Offer one final month of free service and dissolve the contract as of December 1, 2003. The letter can claim that in your Hs revised biz plan for 2004 he will be scaling back his service area and customer base. He can recommend his competitor(s) as alternate service providers. That would be a professional and impersonal way to END the continued association with her.
Just a thought (and lord knows I'm to nuts lately to give sound advise). T2
Quote: btw it should make you happy to know that I've looked up the audio for mars and venus...attempted to order two copies (they are only 10 a piece on the gray site) but my puter is acting up so I'll have to try again later.
Best Price: $1.94
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus : A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationship (Audio Cassette, 1994) Other Editions...Author: Gray
puter still not allowing me to process an order...but I will...or ok at least I'll pick up the written copy that I already have and read a bit more of it!
still feeling a bit of yuck... still feeling like ow should go... been pondering how the heck I'm supposed to trust h when I've already learned what a good liar he is and how easily I can be fooled by him. still wanting to sit down and hash some important crap out with h but don't have the energy to or much desire to really do so productively.
h sat in the basement watching the sox last night while I sat upstairs... tonight I'm going out with some friends.. tommorow night I'll read or work on a pooh & friends latch hook rug for dd's room. fri night I'll do whatever I didn't do thurs night and sat night we'll go to the drive-in.
I'm sure h wont mind me keeping myself otherwise occupied until sat and then thereafter until some other issue that he chooses to aviod by asking me on a date arises.
here's a strange note...h had some gravel delivered for the end of the driveway...I assumed the man driving the truck knew him because he stood there talking and talking to me after I told him where h wanted the stuff dropped...turns out he doesn't know h at all...but he stood there talking to me for at least 15 min...odd if ya ask me...should I have shut the door in his face and said ok dump it there good bye? would I be as foolish as ow and let him come back again to just talk to me??? certainly NOT! but I suppose I can see how easy it can happen to a pathetic person...guess I'm not nearly as pathetic as I sometimes think!
Quote: I'm not nearly as pathetic as I sometimes think!
You? Pathetic? Never!! You are a goddess--believe it. What's wrong with a conversation as long as you know where to draw the line. I have conversations with OM all the time, yet I too know where to draw the line.
Quote: h had some gravel delivered for the end of the driveway...I assumed the man driving the truck knew him because he stood there talking and talking to me after I told him where h wanted the stuff dropped...turns out he doesn't know h at all...but he stood there talking to me for at least 15 min...odd if ya ask me.. Make sure you tell H about him!!!
PS:We have a pool going on on when you will it 5000 replies, do you want to get in on it.
Hi LL, Just checking in to see how you are, I have been thinking and thinking about your sitch. For some reason it has me hooked (I guess because of similarities to mine). I keep thinking of stuff and wanting to post but never get a chance to be at computer. When kids are not around then H is and he hogs it.
When you say H and you have never been friends this rings a bell with me. My H is just not the friendly type I guess, he does have friends (male friends) who he bonds with over a beer but as for hanging out and chatting with me - I don't think I ever see a more desparate or bored look on someone's face than when I am just there trying to have a friendly chat about nothing much. So I think we need to broaden our lives out LL. In the past people didn't rely so much on their spouses to provide everything in their lives. I think our society has become too closed in (having to drive everywhere, nuclear family etc). So especially women stuck home with the kids NEED their H so much more for company than used to be the case. I think building up our friendship base (both male and female as long as you know where to draw the line) and letting H's get on with being who they want to be within M is the way to go.
As you have already found he comes running when you withdraw, the more you have a life outside of M the happier you will be as LL and the more attractive to him you will be.
On the OW question - she has to go. Maybe you should ask him what he's afraid of by ending her contract. Men hate being told their afraid of something.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
what it all boils down to is I don't trust h...at all..every thing he tells me I question in my mind.. ie..this morning he called to say hello and see how we all were doing and to pass on the very sad news that one of his football going friends lost a young child to drowning...he was letting me know so that if he tells me he's going to a wake I'll know who. sick person that I am a part of me says oh ya sure you're going to a wake and another part of me thinks what a horrible person I must be to think that he would lie about such a thing.
I don't know how to get the trust back, I just don't. Some would say I shouldn't trust him..but if I don't trust him then what the heck is this all supposed to be??
Quoting lostlove: what it all boils down to is I don't trust h...at all..every thing he tells me I question in my mind..
LL -- Is it that you really don't trust h? (Like, you honestly think for a second that h would lie about this kind of thing...) or is it that your brain is on autopilot questioning everything he says? Just out of habit or fear...like "he could be lying about this".
Do you see the difference?
One is related directly to h and your ability to trust him.
The other is sort of a defense mechanism...a running commentary in your head...that probably has more to do with the overall situation than with how you currently feel about H in particular.
Sage - who KNOWS what she means but isn't all all sure this post made sense.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
