Swimming upstream...PH #7

[pearlharbr]

Yeah, that's why I wasn't planning on saying anything. Guess I just felt a little guilty about not communicating my expectations.

But you're right, I don't want to have to tell him how/when/what to do. If he can't figure it out on his own or at least say, "I want to do the right thing but I need help figuring out what you need," then he's not trying hard enough.

And if he's not trying hard now, we'll never make it through piecing.

[silvagod]

Pearl,

Much as it breaks my heart to say this....carry on living as one.

I know you have given your all to get things back and through the maelstrom that followed, you emerged as a radiant light.

Stick with that...you deserve and WILL get so much better.

Just my point of view...as an outsider

(how many points on the 'pick up' score do I get...lol)

Seriously though, I have to lean towards non commital.

[pearlharbr]

Got email from xBF about 45 min ago.

Hi,

Are you going to be around this weekend? Will you have time to meet for a bit?

xBF

So I think this is it. My stomach lurched when I read that. I'm really ready to get out of limbo, but I'm also a little scared to face the finality.

I'm trying to live my life without fear so I will push through it and face the future with a smile. But I won't lie - I'm sure I'll be shaking on the inside.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}}} What are you thinking the "this is it" IS? I know it's hard to say from that little email..but..at least it IS something, hopefully, something "final" one way or the other eh??

I'm SURE you will be shaking, you wouldn't be human if you weren't!!

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

I'm thinking this will be the "let's end things" speech.

I know I shouldn't have expectations but that's just where my mind jumps. Because if he wanted to show me that he can be the man and partner I want and need he would do something, not want to talk.

Thought I was doing pretty well tonight since it's bowling league and was going to drive myself crazy wondering. Instead I went over to my GF's house for dinner and had a great evening talking with GF and her H about things not pertaining to my sitch!

I'm not really scared of being on my own. I'm scared of the finality of the end of this life and the pressure to find a job and move and start the next chapter. We've put a clause into the separation settlement that states whoever resides in the house two months after the R ends will assume responsibility for the mortgage payments and bills. Which basically means I'm out and he's back in because there's no way I can afford it. So having a hard deadline looming is probably the motivator I need but it's also very daunting. And when I get completely overwhelmed I freeze up. Which makes everything even more overwhelming. It's a vicious cycle.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} Oh I know you are anything but scared about being on your own..you've proven that time and again that you are more than capable!! I'm glad you had a good night and it IS nice to do something and/or talk about stuff that has NOTHING to do with what is going on isn't it?

Oh yeah..those deadlines can be daunting and, as you know, I have the same sitch as you as far as having to move when all is said and done!! However..maybe you can look at it as CHALLENGING and "fun" rather than daunting? LOLOL Just a perception switch there

Tawnya

[Amy M]

But, I'm betting you are stronger than you even knew, right??? You can do this...whatever "this" is! Keep your chin up.

Hugs!
Amy

[Silver Fox]

Hi Pearl,

Thanks for your support on my thread. Sorry I haven't posted to you in awhile - been caught up in my own dramarama.

I know what you mean about his email. Just remember when you do meet with him to breathe, breathe, breathe, and listen, listen, listen.

Stay strong!

[pearlharbr]

Oh Silver, I know you've been preoccupied. Absolutely no apology necessary! Will repeat that mantra to myself, promise.

[pearlharbr]

Ok, finally heard from xBF:

Hi,

How about 11 again? Maybe we could do brunch at (local breakfast place) first.

xBF

First reactions are all annoyed. What day? Saturday or Sunday? I'm going to guess he means Sunday since he said "again." Brunch on Easter Sunday without a reservation? Seriously? "Maybe we could?" Wussy. How about "Would you like to?" And that restaurant, which we both agreed is only ok, instead of the crepe place down the street that I love? Grr. Ok, yes, I know those are all nitpicky. Just trying to get it out of my system here and now rather than to him.

Will spend the evening watching my favorite show and try to let go of the negative feelings. Planning to respond tomorrow morning. Will ask about which day he meant and remind him that Sunday is Easter.

Amy was telling me to remember that I don't need him so if he isn't willing to work then it's his loss. Agreed. Still not even sure I want him! But I'm still nervous about the actual meeting. Good thing I have a lot of new sassy clothes to help boost my confidence.