Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

S18 told me today that he told H in an argument with him a couple weeks ago to stop "stringing me along" and file for D if he has no intention of trying to reconcile. S18 said that H is angry about me bringing MIL back with me and that H is just waiting until after MIL goes home on the 18th to "serve the papers".

H supposedly told S18 this on Monday, but Sunday (the day before) I had asked H if, since he said he had "no intention of ever re-marrying" if we could wait on filing as long as possible because I will lose all my military benefits a year after D. H said he didn't think he had a problem with holding off....... now I don't know what to think.

H had dinner with MIL yesterday. I could ask her if he mentioned it......but she was not available when I called her and by now she's gone to bed.

I've really been having a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety. Had session today with C, but didn't have enough time to talk about everything. So much is in my head now, I can hardly think straight.

I have a "date" on Monday with a one guy, and have had some IM conversations with another guy. C says this is a great thing for me.......I'm really trying to "move on". They both seem like nice guys. One is really funny and more outgoing. The other seems more laid back, and sweet.......he's Canadian. I'm really nervous and have very mixed emotions about the whole "dating" thing, and I know it's a very controversial subject regarding DBing, but even my staunchly Catholic MIL has said that this is what I NEED to do!!

Also on the GAL front, I need to get back into my meditation. My sister in Oregon, who is a natural "healer", recommended something called "brainwave entrainment" CD's to help me with that. This is a technology that supposedly synchronizes your brain waves and helps with relaxation and memory and clarity of thought.......Sis said it really helped her because she had a tough time with distraction when meditating (and I definitely have that problem too). Anyway, it's worth a try.

I also did some shopping for GD today. I've set up an appointment for her first pictures on Saturday and got her the cutest little dress, shoes, lacey socks, a headband with a bow, and ruffle-butt bloomers! She's going to be so cute!!

I have Deep Water Aerobics again tomorrow. Will be able to get back on my elyptical machine when I move back to the house. Also plan to do some decorating type stuff at the house. That's a big 180 for me. I'm not much of a "tool belt" girl.

My brain is so full.......I don't know where I'm at in all this anymore! I just miss my husband so much, but I know that man is gone! I'm just so depressed right now......

I know being served D papers is not the end of the world.......but I know that H would never look back after that.

And none of S18's "friends" have fessed up to taking my jewelry. I only care about my wedding set! I wore that set for 20 years!! It breaks my heart that it's gone!! Seems like a sign that my M is truly beyond hope.

I feel so defeated.