Make sure that B is aware of your Hs reaction to your filing for D. H may not go after you, but after B if he gets wind of any type of relationship going on between the two of you. Especially if H gets himself tanked up and wants to go out and cause some damage.
Just something you might want to consider.
If anyone has seen you out with your friends, it will be pretty easy for your H to hear through the grapevine who you were with and if there is something developing between you and someone else. You know through your own experience how determined a person can get when they think someone has taken something from them.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Sorry TOH that this is what is happening now. I am not suprised by your h's reaction to d. I think that is how my h would respond too. He would be angry, but then this is what you needed for yourself to end this journey.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I have made B fully aware. I have also told him that we should maybe put this thing on hold for now till I get this all settled. He says "NO WAY"! So yes he knows and is prepared. I just hope he is REALLY prepared. My biggest concern is that this mess and H will ruin a chance of having a future with B.
Last night the walls came crumbling down. H called. He was very upset. He asked if there is any chance we can work it out. I told him no, it's way too late. Too much has happened. I told him I can't go back. He said can't or won't, I said both. We talked for about an hour. We both cried. I hurt so badly for him and so wish things could have been different. But I will not go back and live one more day with him. He is still angry. He still wants to blame someone else. He still drinks. He has so many issues that he needs to fix before he can ever have a healthy R with someone else.
This is still so very hard. I wish I could blink my eyes and it would all be over.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH you most recently wanted your h back, now you sound done. I think that was a big step your h asking if we can work it out. You are not up for that anymore?
I am just a little confused. I thought that was what you wanted and still did, but now looks like that has changed.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Whatever you decide to do, I want you to be happy.
However, make sure you really really don't want your H back. This may be what your H needs to make a change and turn around.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I, too, want TOH to be happy...and to have really thought this last incident through.
We all know what it feels like to go years with no sign in sight of anything changing for the better. We keep hoping and praying for a miracle...another chance to try to make things better and for our WAS to possibly see the light.
I don't know if TOHs husband has seen any light at all...or if he just wants to see if he can pull her back so no one else has a chance.
But I'm also wondering if him asking if they could work it out wouldn't be an opportunity to see if he would agree to couple counselling. If he's really serious , he would agree whole-heartedly. And counselling might be really good in getting to the drinking problem issues too.
It's TOH choice, we all know that...but things have swung from one extreme to the other extreme in a very short amount of time...and that usually means it's not a good time to be making major changes.
I know you're feeling so much better about yourself TOH, and that's wonderful...you should. And B says all kinds of things that you've wanted to hear from H but haven't. And I'm sure his actions are something you wish H would have shown you in the last two years..and didn't.
But glamgirl is righqut....you really need to find out if you really want the gate closed on your H...or if friendly infatuation is fueling your decisions.
Your happiness is very important. Life choices are too.
How about seeing if your H would agree to counselling with no argument. If he's willing...it might be something you and your family could benefit from...even if in the end, it doesn't save the marriage.
Some courts require counselling be tried anyway.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I agree the new R is quite a pull I am experiencing this also but your H wants to get back you have waited for this I think C might also be a good idea if for nothing else but to clear the air it is always up to you though peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
TOH, Take each day as it comes. Please do not look too far into the future, for things change very quickly. I would like to offer up one little piece of advice, step back just a bit from the friendly relationship that you are having w/your friend right now. Your journey w/your h isn't completely over and until you are absolutley certain that this is it, then do not get too emotionally involved w/your friend.
Please take some time for yourself. Find out who you really are and what you want to do w/the rest of your life before jumping into anything serious. Rebound relationships usually do not work out and then your old wound of hurt and pain will raise its ugly head again and remind you of what you suffered w/your xh.
TOH, whatever you opt to do, I'm behind you. I want to see you and your family content once again. As for your xh, I'm not sure if he's trying to suck you back in or is testing you to see if you are moving on. I suspect he's testing the waters.
I do hope that your Easter is a pleasant one. Remember...one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your state allows you to serve the spouse with the D papers? isn't there a danger factor? whew.
You took action. You got a new man, you filed, your H wants to get back together. Are you really truly done with your H or only done until something with your new guy doesn't go quite right? Then you start wondering if you made the right decision. Right now you're just like someone that started an affair and wants out of the M. Do you understand that?
IMO, give your H a chance to 'prove' he really wants to get back together. Tell him what you need from him, tell him what you've been yearning for, and ask him to give you a plan how he will win your love again. Let him try, and most likely he won't last long before he gives up. But if you really loved him and loved your life like you claimed you did prior to your new boyfriend then you owe it to you and H and your kids to offer that chance.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Okay dear friends, Thanks for all the input and 2x4's. Trust me I've asked myself each and every question, and said each and every thing that you have all said here. I don't know if I am doing the right thing either. All I know for sure is that I am the happiest I have been in my life.
Reasons I won't go back... Friday night. H blew a MAJOR rod. He got really drunk. Drove out here. He had been calling me and I would not answer and I was not home. So he was furious. He put his truck in the ditch up the road. I got here and he came out of the shed screaming at me. He yelled, he threatened, he kicked and punched the h*ll out of my car (dent in the door), he flipped the picnic table, he threw the grill, he kept coming after me but I managed to stay away. He layed in the yard and cried. I called his brother, then eventually left and called the sherriff. The sherriff made sure BIL took him home but no fines or anything. The next day we talked and like usual it was my fault because I did not answer my phone. He needs me to help him get through this. I told him me being me I will do that, and because I care about him. But part of me wants to say F*ck You, where were you the last two years. I love him, always will, but I will not go back to a life of being afraid.
I knew in my heart that I could not file for that D until I was 100% sure I was done. I filed.
I have no idea where this road will take us. I've told B and H this. But for right now TOH has to do this for her. For the very first time in my life I am standing on my own 2 feet. I am standing up for me!
H may be saying all the right things. Really he isn't but he's trying. He never cries and now he is. He's said for the very first time in 25 years that he needs to quit drinking. Then that very night he got drunk. But I see a man that is spinning. I don't see any changes. I see him throwing a fit because life just turned upside down for him. He really believed that TOH would wait forever. He's still throwing blame instead of maning up to all his wrongs. He's still angry. Nothing has really changed. And it's time for TOH to move forward and leave this life behind.
Someone said this thing with B is like an affair. I'v felt that. I hate it. Affairs are wrong. And EVERYthing about B feels so right. I feel guilty, why? Am I wrong to want to be happy, trully happy? Never in my life has a man treated me so wonderfully. When I am with him I feel 100% respected and appreciated. I have NEVER had that before.
I have to go to work, I'll be back...
Thank you friends, LUV, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
