Hi mind -- no, I must give credit where credit is due. W is very careful not to do anything when kids are present to disturb their equilibrium.
She's making an offer on a house today, and she's seeing OM weekend after this, and then it's a downhill slide to June when sh/we drop the bomb on the children and WAW moves out.
Sent thank-you emails to the key players in last night's GAL event (talk to the local [American] political party). Quite successful -- the talk was very well-received and produced invitations for a follow-on to the party club in Neighboring City.
Met an interesting English expat (sorry mark!), and a very interesting younger (than me) man who runs some restaurants, and was flirted/chatted up quite nicely by a rather lovely young Asian woman, which I gotta say didn't do the ego a BIT of harm in the midst of this, the Mother of All Rejections.
Outing for tomorrow is still on. P.S. Jag -- it's not a date. It's an outing. No romance is involved. This is a test to see if we can co-exist in the same space, nothing more.
I think, too, I'm futurizing a bit. For sake of argument, assume there's a reconciliation (I expect there won't be, but play along). If I'm not "me" after the DB process -- through GAL, 180s, and the School of Hard WAW Knocks, I change -- and if she's not her, then who are we? When I think of the phrase "save the marriage," I think of the marriage in Time Period T. But at the end of the reconciliation process, it is Time Period T+1. Wouldn't it be ironic if we didn't like each other in T+1? Now that theoretical possibility is waaaaaayyyyyyy down the road (in fact probably not at the end of my road), but nevertheless it is a bit of poser.
No one CHANGES, SP. Look here ~~~ GAL, 180s, DEALING .... these are all activities and skills that you are accessing/acquiring to become YOU...only BETTER! And SHE is doing the same. People don't change. Can they/do they CHANGE the way they DEAL? No question! So on the other side of this you will be better and more YOU...and she can be better and more of who she wants to be. And these two people CAN coexist. Happier than they ever imagined. When Coach and I reconciled - neither of us CHANGED. We just have better relationship tools.
Got an idea for ya. Doesn't she have a weekend away coming up - with the enabling BFF or something like that in the same city as the Schmuck? So what are you going to do while she is away? Why don't you plan and execute on something that she would love with the kids? Is there something that y'all have long said you wanted to do with the kids - a getaway that all of you would enjoy? Plan something great with the kids for when she plans to be ... away. Invite her. She'll say no but invite her. HIGHLIGHT the difference between what she's up to and what you have to offer. PLUS...what a great GAL...doing something amazing with your children. This would be a great PROACTIVE move as opposed to all of the REACTING that I sense you are SICK of.
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Greek: I suppose it depends on what we mean by "change"- me but better = change to me. Yes, she's going to Upstate City, where lives Signore Schmuckatelli, but she's taking the kids b/c that's my Route 66 roadtrip w/ the boys from Company E. Her next venture to Upstate City will be in July, to coincide w/ my trip w/ the kids to Big Midwestern Place. However, I do like the idea!
And with respect to the part I left out, she doesn't feel guilty. Or, to be more precise, she's not manifesting any guilt. Whatever.
Her anger at you is her guilt. Her coldness towards you is guilt. She is wrapped up in guilt.
I always think that the M must of been crap before the bomb which in an ideal world would of been discussed before the need to introduce 3rd party. Hence any changes in you would possibly be what may of happened had the marital problems been dealt with civilly . Is that as clear as mud.
I personally am playing an extremely powerful legal and emotional battle with my H. I feed him the rope and he hangs himself. Great game and something for you to look forward to. Trouble with my h is he forgot who he married and who was the smart one in the relationship. I cant post my story as I believe he is following along like a secret squirrel so every now and again I throw him something and watch it unravel.
Maybe i do have control problems ....LOL I dont think so
@polly -- remind me not to be the next ex-Mr. Polly! LOL.
You're probably right about the guilt. She fesses up to guilt with respect to the kids, but not me except to the extent that she "feels bad" she has to hurt me. Well gosh, thanks.
Outing is tomorrow. I am nervous as a bag of cats. I can't get the thought out of my head now that I'm being set up somehow. I have the same heebie-jeebies I had in the Sunni Triangle. That can't bode well.
Well friends I'm off to bed. I'll be outing 12 hours from now.
Confession: I'm nervous as hell. I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to read the event as it transpires. All I know is that I'm doing my level best tomorrow -- and every day thereafter -- to pick up NO ropes, to listen and validate (and to smile and wave), to not initiate any R talks and to do my level best to redirect any WAW initiates. My gut tells me she's going to want to crow about the house she bid on today. Okay, let her. I'll smile and wave.
Good thing I only bought a half-bottle of Cabernet.
Wish me luck, sports fans. I'm sure I'll have much to say on the flip-side.
All the best. Listen , validate, nod, smile, stare vacantly into the horizon if she starts on the whole R thing again, actually behave like a wooden dummy unless the conversation is rational and sane.
Lucky you getting outside, just enjoy that -- me , well we are entering winter and it is nseasonally cold today.
I am off on holiday and a reprieve from the madness for a few days. I strongly suggest it. It is as good as a tonic in this crazy mess.
"I have come to lose the smog, And I feel myself a cog in somethin' turning. And maybe it's the time of year, Yes and maybe it's the time of man. And I don't know who I am, But life is for learning."
So I am still processing Teh Outing. Not very coherent right now, but that's probably the combination of half a bottle of Cabernet and a Xanax.
I'll post some highlights, lowlights -- somethinglights just to give you an idea of how it went. Random order -- no particular significance, just how they pop into the head.
*Weather mostly cooperated, which was helpful because it kept us outside
*Tension. Probably not obvious to the other museum-goers but obvious enough to us that W asked at picnic lunch "do you think there's ever going to be a time when we can be comfortable around each other?" SP: "Honestly? I don't know."
*No R talk for most of the outing. W brought the R up mid-way through lunch (seared ahi, peppered cold tenderloin, pasta salad, crusty French bread, fresh fruit, half-bottle of Cabernet, water). Following pollyanna's advice, I behaved like a wooden dummy until the conversation got rational and sane.
*R talk --
+You don't think I'm happy I'm hurting you, do you? No, I don't think that.
+Whatever else happens between us, it can't happen without a separation. I have to get space for awhile. And whatever that might be, it can't be marriage. The institution is like a noose around my neck. Okay, I hear you.
(And then following DB Coach's advice when I asked about this possibility, I asked W to describe what she thought that meant, what it looked like -- compelled W to formulate a vision of post-D world and to talk about it while I was silent.)
+Why do you think I'm having an affair? [And I explained why I thought what she was doing constituted an affair.] But you don't think that it's the cause of this, do you? [Tough one. I went with: I understand that you don't think it is, and I've heard you say that it isn't. From my POV, even if it wasn't the cause, it affects the way you evaluate the situation.]
+I have a lot of feelings about you, I can't deny it. I like you. I care about you. I have other feelings, too. And anger. But right now, all I see is the anger. Okay, I hear you. I understand that.
+I know no one will ever love me the way you did. [Another tough one. Resist rescuing. But an opening? So I went with: Your verb tense is wrong. I know that doesn't affect anything. You'll do what you think you need to do. But if you're going to be fair, get your verb tense right. I may not be happy right now, I may disagree with your decisions -- and I do -- but the proper verb tense is not past tense.]
+You seem to have accepted this. You're moving on. I've accepted my part in it. And I've accepted that I have to change to make me a better person for me and the kids.
+I don't expect you to wait for me. [Blech!] Okay, I hear you..
And that's about all I've processed at the moment.
