LBS need help and support #2

[song]

Thanks for checking in FitChik,

I'm doing OK, not great, not even good, but OK. I have bad days and worse days, but at least I can say that I'm not backsliding like I had been. Every day that goes by, I feel a little more numb and a little more detached. I'm making the most of the time I spend with my kids, but it's so difficult seeing them putting on a brave face for such a lousy situation they have been put in.

I've got a fun week planned for their next school vacation, starting with a Red Sox game, and then a trip to NYC - their first time there. I'm also trying like heck to GAL, but I still feel like I'm just faking it, stuck on hold, waiting for my life to resume.

I have stopped pursuing, and all that has done is eliminate just about all communication with W.

I'm so confused - I don't know whether I'm acting as-if, faking it till I make it, standing for my marriage, or living in denial. I am praying a lot, and trying to turn it over to God, but don't know if I truly have. I don't know much anything right now, except that I'm just taking it one day at a time.

[Uncool Cat]

Hey Song,

I have no advice to give. I just feel exactly the same way. I'm doing my best to GAL and act as if, but all the things you say above (except for the Sox game etc.) sound exactly like what I'm going through. I've stopped pushing as well, and guess what, the only thing see does is e-mail me about when I want the kids.

Again, sorry I have no advice, but I do have an EXTREME amount of empathy. I'll check in when I have a chance and see how things are with you. Take care.

[FitChik]

Glad you have a fun vacation planned! What are you doing to GAL? When I first started, I also felt like it was fake. There were many times I felt I was too miserable to GAL! I always wished my H was with me and it was very hard. But it's defintely gotten easier and I'm able to have a great time now.

I know this whole process is very confusing! There are moments I feel so strong & confident and moments I fall to pieces. As long as you keep coming back to the Lord, you will be renewed and strengthened. Keep praying and seeking His guidance and things will be clearer with time.

Hope you have a great weekend. :-)

[faithisbelieving]

By your last post, I can tell you that you are on the road to making it thru...dare I even say healing.

The word babysteps should NOT be applied to the moments of clarity that our WAS's show us in their world of hurt and confusion. The word is more appropriately applied to US...the LBS'ers...as we begin to get clarity on our situation. In fits and starts, we finally begin to see that we have no control over our S's.

We see that there is no cologne...no new set of duds from Armani-Exchange...no weight loss program ...or pair of clippers that crop us 'neath our boxers....that is going to make our wives come running back to us.

No control.

Accepting this allows us to let go.

Song..you MUST realize now that this is HER...NOT YOU. These are HER issues. This is not a FAILURE...it is a lesson in life. We all assume that our lives are going to be a 'happy-ever-after-one'.

NOPE.

We have car accidents...death....financial issues...and...divorce.

We must survive...and live ..to enjoy life again.

Sometimes, acting 'as if'...as you describe...pays out some line as we let the big fish 'separation/WAS' run it's course until tired. By then, we get our strength back to reel OURSELVES back in.

Use this time...for YOU. Song..time to start your renaissance.

FIB

[antlers]

I have stopped pursuing, and all that has done is eliminate just about all communication with W.

I'm so confused - I don't know whether I'm acting as-if, faking it till I make it, standing for my marriage, or living in denial. I am praying a lot, and trying to turn it over to God, but don't know if I truly have. I don't know much anything right now, except that I'm just taking it one day at a time.

We need to operate from a standpoint of what we need to 'do', instead of from a standpoint of what we 'need'. It doesn't take effort so much, as it does discipline. I still choose to honor my committment to our marriage and preserve our family, but it's pretty much out of my hands right now. It's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen. I think you're standing for your marriage, as I am. Let's continue to keep turning it over to God, and if we truly haven't...then let's ask Him to help us do it. But, we still have to use our heads instead of our hearts and make good decisions and not do the wrong things for our relationships. These boards are a comfort and a blessing, as are the people who can provide such good advice for us.

[FitChik]

Thanks for your message Song. It brightened my day on a gloom day :-).

FIB has some great points.... I've found it's a process to get to the point of completely letting go. I've gradually healed & gotten better the more I do let go but it's been hard.

Hope you have a good week. Keep your chin up and keep pressing on.

[song]

One more nail in the coffin…

I saw W today briefly when I went by the house to drop off S12’s birthday present. We talked for a few minutes about nothing much, and then I commented “You look sad”
W – “I’m tired”
Me – “Well if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know, I know this is a busy time”
W – “We just need to talk – we haven’t talked since the 6 months has gone by” (6 months is what we agreed to for separation with no decisions, involvement of Lawyers, etc.)
Me – “Sure, whenever you want”
W – “Well you know how I feel”
Me – “Yes, and you know how I feel, so I guess we’re still at an impasse”
W – “I’m just tired of being in Limbo, aren’t you tired of this?”
Me – “Yeah, of course I am. I’m ready to move home and work on things whenever you’re ready”
W – “That’s not what I mean. I’m ready to move on. This is very hard on me, and it’s very hard on the kids.”
Me – “Yes, it’s very hard on all of us. But we obviously don’t see the same solutions to the issues, so we’re still at that impasse.”
W – “Well, I just can’t live like this indefinitely”
Me – “I understand that.”

At that point S12 walks in and says “What are you guys talking about?”
W – “Oh nothing, so did you pick out the pictures you want to use for your project?”
Me – “I Gotta go back to work – see you guys later” and then I give S12 Hug and kiss and leave.

So… as is tradition, we talked around the issue without her coming right out and saying “I want a D” but that was definitely the message – loud and clear. She has a tendency to be very headstrong, yet circumspect in her decisions, and the fact that she gave it 6 months and is still not softening up at all gives me little hope of a turnaround.

I don’t know what to do – I’ve given her space, I’ve worked on myself, I’ve stopped pursuing, I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and put it in God’s hands, yet the runaway train barrels down the track, heading for certain destruction, and I am like a deer in the headlights frozen in fear.

If anyone has advice, suggestions, feedback, comments or encouragement, please help me out. I feel so down right now.

[volleydog]

I wish I had something profound to tell you. For me it seems every time I want it to be over (D), just so I can move on something pulls me back in, which is good. I've been S you know for over 18mo and we are just now getting back to being friends and being nice.

Funny thing is I have our kids this weekend for Easter and my MIL, FIL and SIL are planning an Easter dinner and wanted my W and kids to attend. Great no big deal so my W asks me a couple times when I'd have the kids back for dinner, they are doing dinner at my SIL house which is about an hour away, I said I really didn't know. I said probably about the same time as always, about 4pm, knowing they wanted to do dinner early. Last night I was over at the W's house and it came up again, and she said well why don't you just come for dinner...SHOCK...

ME: ok (of course)
W: So should I tell my sister you'll think about it.
ME: No I'll go.
W: Ok so I'll tell them you're probably coming
ME: (laughing)Ok but I'm coming you can't get out of the invite now...
W: (laughing)That's not it I know my parents drive you nuts

...Her parents do drive me nuts but I tell them that and it's in a loving way, her parents are great people.

Long story, well long...It can take a TON of time don't let it get you down too much, I know it's hard sometimes but just do your best for yourself and your kids.

[PMA_Baby!]

Song - You're doing everything u can. U handled yourself perfectly. Just remember it's all about giving up control. It's on her timeline NOT YOURS. U have to decide what u need and want. If u still think it's worth it then stick it out. I on the other hand, realized mine wasn't worth it and I deserved better so I just went along w what she asked for and got D'd. Use the time to figure out what u need. If u don't want to play games then just tell her that u know where I stand and she needs to do what she needs to do, but u are not going to help her do it. It's tough love bud. Also, tell her that u are looking at the big picture and dont want to have any regrets. Especially when it comes to the kids. Give her something else to think about if she hasnt in awhile.

God Speed. B

[FitChik]

What are you doing to take care of yourself and GAL? What has improved your sitch and what has made it worse? Just thinking through the basics again....

Somehow you have to find a way to confront your fear. The deer in the headlights feeling is an awful feeling to have (I had it also). It keeps you from healing & moving forward.

For me, I was in the process of changing my name to my H's last name.... but when the D bomb was dropped, I stopped changing my name. So I had half old last name and half new! :-) But I finally got the courage to face my fear of the D and I proceeded forward with changing my name to my H's name. Now - that doesn't mean things still may not work out and I might have to change it all over again.... but I made the decision to step out of limbo, confront my fear, and made some bold decisions. I felt much more at ease after I got over my fear of a D.

I understand how disappointed you feel. But like PMA baby said, you're doing all you can. Continue to give it all to God and you will be rewarded. It may not be the reward you want or expect but you will be greatly blessed. God knows what He's doing and everything will work out in His own timing. It's so hard when we don't know how & when things will turn out.... we just have to trust.