WAW + MLC + Male BFF + "Just Friends" = Fed Up

[Heartbroken20]

I'm defintiely a "newbie" here but I'm sure my story is not.

A couple of years ago my 42 yr old wife of 18 yrs (then) dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb on me. She had let me know that she wasn't happy some years back but she's always been very melo-dramatic about everything in her life (always "the most incredible" or "the worst" day of her life, etc.) that I couldn't really tell if she was serious or not. When I asked her what she needed from me (many, many times) to make things better between us, she would always say she "didn't know". Tough to change when you don't know what the true problem is.

Anyway, after getting a couple of $600+ cell phone bills in a row about a year ago, I checked into what the deal was. Found out she had been talking/texting with her BFF from highschool who is actually a great guy and was even in our wedding. He had never really been a "threat" in my mind, as I had a very good female friend in HS and understood the concept. When I asked her why she was communicationg with him so much, she said he was going through a very tough time (problems with his own marriage)
and she was trying to help him through it.

We decided to attend counseling to see if we could start finding out what our issues were and try to resolve them. Unfortunately the contact between them grew even more and I discovered she was talking/texting him at least 30-40 times per day. When I confronted her with it in counseling she burst out in tears and admitted she had let her concern for him develop into being "in love" with him but he was not aware of it. She said she was sorry she hurt me, but was not sorry, and never would be, for the love she felt for him. Saw an email of her telling a friend that she had "never felt a greater love, other than for our children, of course".

Ouch.

Over the last couple of years, nearly all of her girlfriends have either separated or divorced. In addition, she has her own marriage counselor (referred by her divorced best friend) that she speaks with regularly but also happens to be divorced herself. (Greeaatt!) Consequently, she doesn't interact with anyone who has a stable, healthy marriage.

She has also become very interested in personal growth and holistic "wellness" (Reiki and Healing Touch) and is an avid reader of Susan Jeffers, and Christel Nani, both of whom are involved in the "wellness" field and both of whom are divorced. She is now certifying as a Healing Touch practioner and is very excited about having a new career. I really am happy for her personal growth and I'm trying to understand all of this but have to admit, it really does seem that she's been "abducted by aliens".

Anyway, marriage counseling (we're now on our third counselor) doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. She has stated to all of the counselors that if we work out, great. If we don't, great. She is only interested in reaching her "highest, best self" whether or not it involves me.

All of the counselors have taken the "I'm okay, you're okay" approach to therapy. No one has told her that her infidelity (emotional affair) was wrong. No one has suggested that she end her relationship with her "boyfriend" or even curtail it. ??? They just say that it does interfere with rebuilding our relationship, but it is her choice whether to continue it or not. Guess what she chooses?

She has repeatedly stated that she feels no sexual attraction to me any longer and has now witheld sex from me for three months and says we will not have any sexual/romantic contact until she is "doing it for the right reasons", which basically means util she feels "in love" with me again, which of course, might never happen, especially since she is still in contact (calls/texts) with her male BFF at least 20 times per day. The counselors have all said that we should not have sex until she's fully ready to do so. So she feels fully justified in being cold, or at best "platonic", toward me. Of course, my needs do not matter, but I am expected to remain faithful (even though she wasn't) and just live in a celibate marriage for however long it takes.

Bottom line is, I am in love with her but am having those feelings squelched at every opportunity. Not sure how much longer I can put up with the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" approach to rebuilding our marriage. She freely admits she "doesn't know" what she wants but her actions indicate she is done with us and I am now in the way of her path to her new "highest, best self" and her new Healing Touch career.

Trying to wait all this out but losing my patience (two years now and no end in sight...). She keeps theatening to separate and I've told her how much I don't want that (damage to kids, odds against staying married, etc.) so she uses it as a threat at every opportunity to get me to accept her inexcusable behavior.

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated, sorry for the "War and Peace" length of this post.