I think that while an affair is a possibility, you should not rule out other reasons she may be choosing to be away from you. Perhaps she did not completely kick her drug addiction. Perhaps she is hiding the fact that she is back on painkillers, or something else. It does seem that she has moved out to hide some behavior from you, but it doesn't have to be an affair.
hi sara thanks for your post... i have actually thought about this and i must admit my wife has lost about 10 pounds in the 4 weeks we have been apart, nowthis could be through all the partying and booze, but she did lose weight rapidly last time she was taking the painkillers..... she only weighs about 8 stone as it is so this is not good for her health, but she choose it so its her bed to lie in.
Rob is just fine Beno, you can drop the "X" LOL! How do you do it indirectly? I'm almost amazed that you can't see it yourself but I also remember being in the same position and I was clueless also (and afraid). You do it indirectly by tolerating her behavior, you do it because you are afraid to lose her, it's possible at one point you were secure in your relationship but now I'm pretty sure you aren't secure at all, you are insecure and this feeling inside you just grows everyday. Your body language, supplicating her, giving her what she wants, etc.
again rob you nailed it why didnt i see it, cant see the wood for the trees, yes im really insecure and yes my body language is open and vunrable and she senses it, time to shut down i think,
i am a devoted and loving father to my kids they both love me dearly, they are my world. my wife was also included in this world but slowly but surley im begining to see the light, i too thought being really nice and loving and caring would win her heart but looking back now i see the more i give the more she wants. trouble is im deeply in love with her and it will kill me not taking care of her needs. i know it has to be done and it will make me a better person and give me self worth, at the moment i feel low and rejected and alone and it feels awful. i sure dont want to feel like this forever.
Beno, of course I nailed it, I'm not just assuming how you feel, in fact truth be known, I can't read your mind and see how you actually feel. I can however tell you how I felt, and based on similar situations, I can assume that the typical male response & emotions during this are all very similar. We wouldn't be on this site if we didn't love our wives and didn't want things to be different. The unfortunate thing is that no one can guarantee our marriages, we can pray to GOD as much as we want but he has given control of our lives to us and that means ultimately we are responsible for our lives and what happens in them.
A few things you will do to start off with, I'm not going to give you everything right now but I'll start you off on some stuff that will help you deal with her and start normalizing your feelings about all of this.
- you will not call her, she can call you and you can speak to her but you won't initiate any phone calls - same thing with emails & text msg's - keep your responses very brief during this initial stage - you will need to start acting indifferent & removed from the situation - you will NOT get angry, unless she shoots the dog in your livingroom, you will NOT get angry, you are a STRONG man and we don't need to be angry to show our strength - if she gives you attitude, if she says something cruel & hurtful, if she makes fun of you in a mean & hurtful way (obviously you have to guage this, I can't do it for you), you will reply to her afterwards that she is no longer allowed to talk to you that way and that she is no longer allowed to treat you that way - if she asks why (and she will) after you mention these rules above, it will almost be a challenge: remember she is feeling pretty strong & powerful right now and you've been pretty weak & submissive up to this point, she is bending your will to her will, people who behave this way to their spouses have a tendency to be cruel & angry, you will tell her in no uncertain terms that "I am not afraid to let go of anyone who doesn't value my life & well-being and that includes you", you may need to practice this a bit, if you don't, the first time you say it you will sound wimpish and unsure of what you're saying. One thing that will help is this: you love her and wouldn't treat her this way but if she really loved you at all, why would she be so cruel to you? - no arguments, in fact you will not entertain any arguments with her and very crucial & important, if she starts an argument with you and appears to be bratty & angry because she doesn't appear to be getting her way, you will tell her that she is very unattractive when she is angry & mean to you and you can't be bothered to look at her or listen to her when she is like this, in fact you won't reward her bratty behavior with your attention and then you leave the room & walk away
The last part is important, she is feeling extremely good about herself at the expense of your self-esteem, she has behaviors that make her similar to a bully but like most bullies, if you stand up to them and show them your strength, they will get thrown off balance especially when they've been using this behavior successfully for quite some time. Remember no anger, calm & strong is the goal, smile if you have to and then turn your back after you said your FEW words (keep it brief) and walk away - go somewhere like you have to be somewhere else and don't have time for her right now.
Telling her she's not attractive when she argues with you will knock her self-esteem from the clouds & back down to earth, especially if she's been enjoying the attention of other men at bars, clubs, parties, etc. She will remember this the first time you say it, it will stick in her brain. Women know that men value a women's physical beauty, it's a man primary way of being attracted to a woman, if the husband that loves her so much says something like this, it will make her think that possibly other men might feel like this about her too. Some might call this a mind game, it isn't. We're simply leveling the playing field and don't feel bad for her if she has a bad reaction to this, she likely will. She has been hurting you and making you suffer with no regrets and no remorse, it's time to make it known that enough is enough. If anyone reading this complains & calls me on this, I welcome it but I'll make it clear that she doesn't mind hurting him and his self-esteem right now, sometimes a "kick in the pants" is needed to go from chaos to order.
Refusing to be her punching bag and stopping your doormat behavior will also re-inforce to her that the days of her making you feel like crap are numbered - you are a STRONG & CONFIDENT man. This accomplishes a couple of things, the jolt of reality sets in, you are setting boundaries & rules for your life, you are demonstrating you respect yourself because you are going to start respecting yourself and your well-being, being strong without arguing is impressive and this will resonate in her brain that you aren't the spineless jellyfish pea-brain that you have been acting like for the past few months. People who respect themselves are attractive people, when you show this to your wife and take into account you haven't shown this to her for quite some time, subconsciously, the small seed/spark of attraction will be started in her. A woman can't respect her husband if he fears her and is a broken man, how could anyone respect anyone like that?
More to come if you're interested, time to rebuild that confidence and self-esteem/self-respect. Good luck bro, I believe in YOU!
few things i want to share and ask.... reading these posts has made me look back and analize things, now after a few days apart we spoke and i said "i notice your still wearing your rings" then the day after she had took them off.. how unsenseative is that.
why did she feel the need to tell me she is going on a trip and needs her passport (TODAY) when the trip is only in 7 wks. when we went away she would only worry about passports the night before we flew, i think she maybe trying to make me jealous.
now i had a night out with the guys last saturday and i asked her will it be ok for her to have the kids while i went, this was put to her 5 days previous, she then said thats just typical you never go out on a saturday. i had plans, yes i did go out and 2 days later she questioned me on were i went and what time i came home...i see a pattern now, she wants to know my moves and insists on telling me her plans and were she has been. so i think its time for me to get mysterious...
ive already started working out at the gym and i could see it in her eyes that she wasnt impressed, her reaction said it all to me. infact she said i wish i had the money to do that. in a toned voice, pieces are falling into place i see them now actions speak louder than words. for me having the kids the whole time would be difficult beacuse of my buisness, i work all day and meet customers on a few evenings,
defintley interested rob. ive read your last post about 10 times and yes i see were your coming from, not only will this make me a better man and put me back where i was before she left me, now she isnt really an argumentive person unless something really pisses her off, i will put these into affect but one thing i cant do is not call or text her, i need to organise the kids with her. so should i only contact her regarding the kids?
this is my first steps to becoming me again. thank you rob your a true gentleman, respect
beno, I feel for your situation. Like others, I am relatively new to a very similar situation myself. Lots of confusion all the way around. I have been doing the gym thing every night since this began and I have to admit that is the absolute best therapy that I could invest in. It makes me feel stronger, more competent and strengthens my confidence that no matter what direction my wife chooses our marriage to go, I will be just fine!
I am enjoying rob's perspective on the subject as well. It almost seems like he has experienced many of the same things we are feeling right now.... ;-)
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
beno, I feel for your situation. Like others, I am relatively new to a very similar situation myself. Lots of confusion all the way around. I have been doing the gym thing every night since this began and I have to admit that is the absolute best therapy that I could invest in. It makes me feel stronger, more competent and strengthens my confidence that no matter what direction my wife chooses our marriage to go, I will be just fine!
I am enjoying rob's perspective on the subject as well. It almost seems like he has experienced many of the same things we are feeling right now.... ;-)
I have experienced many of the same things you are feeling right now, I myself, along with plenty of other friends in the same boat, one by one, we all fall, we started to joke that it was something in the water (and possibly it is, who knows), but yes I've gone through this all before except my situation is much better now, we aren't reconciled and I can't guarantee that it will happen either but I don't tolerate treatment like what was exhibited in the beginning and because of that I noticed subtle changes afterwards.
Beno, arranging stuff with the kids I guess would be ok, why not just set something in place that's repeatable, that way you don't have to contact her?
Also she can't just not have a job, how does she expect to support herself? Based on your earnings? She shouldn't count on that for many reasons.
Going to the gym is great, I agree, it's one of the areas you'll use to pump up your self-esteem.
If I didn't believe all of this followed a well rehearsed script, I wouldn't bother hashing it out here. If you guys can acknowledge that maybe 50% of what I've said thus far has happened with you, you may want to acknowledge that I'm alot more accurate than 50% because I know I am.
hi making it. rob is a shrewd gut not everone may agree but i sure do, its common sense, ive read your thread and yes its a lot like my situation, why not put some of robs wisdom and experiance to the test. i surley will and will keep this post updated on the situation, lets just see if things begin to swing in my favour. good luck on whatever route you choose and take care, keep posting,
Also she can't just not have a job, how does she expect to support herself? Based on your earnings? She shouldn't count on that for many reasons.
response to this rob... she has told me she plans on having time out for a while, she is planning on me supporting her i bet, "not a chance" she did say she will goback to work but not yet, now how the hell is she going to pay �1600 a month just on rent thats before her other household bills, dont forget she aint seen the new me yet so she will be thinking i will be giving her cash. now i will need to give her something for the kids but it will be a small amount beacuse they will be with me a lot of the time,
