I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm trying so hard to stick to what I've said I was going to do as far as DB'ing, but it's killing me. I have no idea what the heck is going on with him or what's running through his head. I don't understand any of this which is so hard for me. We used to share everything. I knew everything about his life and what he was thinking. Now I'm just an outsider. I have no idea if what I'm doing is even getting him to think about me, let alone if it's going to bring him home. I know, there are no guarantees and I can't control anything but myself and my life. This is just so completely out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to find joy in the little things and focus on my kids, but it's so hard some days.
I've been cleaning up my room and I came across a bunch of old pictures of us. Talk about heartbreaking. How can he say that all of those times were a lie? How can he say that he was just faking it? He looked really and truly happy in those pictures. Where is his mind that he doesn't remember that?
I don't know if any of what happened this weekend would be classified as baby steps. I was picking up the kids yesterday and he commented on my shoes and said I looked nice. Is that a baby step? He has the kids tomorrow while I'm at work and instead of saying ok he said see you in the morning. Is that a baby step? Can you tell how confused I am? lol
I keep telling myself that it's doing me no good trying to figure out what every little thing means and thinking about things that make me sad. I'm doing pretty good in general, but days like today seem to take all of that away.
