Wondering how to handle things

[Sanderika]

kissak,

I said the very same thing....

I would not file for a D because I love my H and it is not what I want. It was my H that eventually filed. After I received the papers I hired a Lawyer. She advised me to counterfile, which I did. The D is not under his sole control that way.

And, it's funny....H filed for a D and then almost immediately didn't want it. I actually do not believe he really wants one. I believe more that the OW is the driver of that car. She would have a cow if she realized that our D schedule was postponed for 6 months because H told the judge he wanted the marriage. Actually it is written as such on the documents the judge signed and returned to each of us. Maybe she will find them in his office some day.

My sitch in a nutshell...

In Oct. '04 my H mother died of cancer. We watched her die for 3 months.

Two weeks before she died my H was burned in a propane explosion
in our camper at a Nascar race.

I firmly believe that these two events threw my H into a MLC as he began to face his own mortality.

Now for my part in the demise of the marriage...I had always worked two jobs. One being my own company with my H which I put in between 40-60 hours a week. And a bookkeeping job for a local contractor on the side which takes an average of 5-6 hours a week.

We also have an Asperger's Syndrome child and frankly my H never really bonded with him.

About two years before my H found the OW, I began a depression. It was triggered by feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, pity. I of course had no reason to want pity. I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, a nice home, a successful company and we were financially in a very good place. For some reason I found myself wanting help from my H but I would turn him away along with anyone else who tried to help me. I began a war of one against the world and I am not quite sure why it all happened to me. The overwhelm and exhaustion could have been cured by quitting a job but I was very stubborn and wouldn't. I actually got to the point where I turned my H down for sex time and time again, which makes me cry hysterically today. I was in a state after my H got burned and my MIL died where I was very difficult. At the end of the day I would go straight to bed and I found I wanted to sleep all the time. At the same time in June of '05 I lost my very dear Aunt Honey to cancer and this took me down very deep.

My H went for a motorcycle ride with a guy friend on 8/7/05 and that is when he met the OW. He dropped the bomb to me he was leaving on 8/16/05 and he left the house slowly and then eventually in September of '05. I did not go with my H that day for the ride because my girlfriend had decided to stay home with their daughter so I decided to stay home with my son. We both thought the guys deserved a guys day out. What a huge mistake.

Now I have always believed that my H must have been unhappy and rightfully so. He probably had emotionally checked out on us some time before he left. I honestly didn't see it coming. I was devastated from the git go.

We worked together at our company until March of '08 when my H through prodding by the OW ousted me from our company and hired her and her best friend to fill my position. I had 25 years invested in this company and was and still am it's CFO and Treasurer. I have done odd work for the company from home and she doesn't know about it.

My H did file for a D on 10/3/08 and on 10/18/08 and since has maintained with me that he doesn't want a D. This is so very confusing to me because he has not gotten rid of her. In fact it appears from time to time that they are nearing a break-up and then like now seem like two peas in a pod together forever.

I have been through more trials and tribulations than I can imagine. This has been the worst experience of my life.

I learned right away to have patience and consideration and forgiveness for my H which I honestly feel is what has held us together this long. I always treat my H well. I can't obviously say the same about him towards me. And that hurts like he!!.

The decision to move forward in this D will not come easily. In fact I dread having to make the decision. I do not feel though that my H is trying to reconcile this marriage and if he is we have two very different ideas on how that is accomplished.

My H has lied to me continuously since finding the OW. I have my ways of finding out truths and I have caught him continuously only without confrontation. I keep a journal and a watchful eye on the company thanks to the internet.

I am actually way ahead of him with my knowledge of his comings and goings. Some call it snooping, I say knowledge is power and one day, if needed, I will use it. It is my hope I do not need to use it and that he will return and honor his admission in court.

I saw a writing once that labeled the basis for GOOD marriage AND the writing used a building or a structure as an analogy:

First, there is the FOUNDATION, which if solid is a good place for a beginning.

Then there are 4 posts holding up the rest.

Each post represents something required for a good marriage.

LOVE

TRUST

FORGIVENESS

COMMITMENT

In my sitch I believe I HAVE Love, Commitment and Forgiveness. I have to admit that trust is questionable.

My H has forgiveness and love only, if I were to answer for him.

I feel we mutually would say we have a foundation.

I truly believe my H loves me.

NOW, without all of the 5 crucial elements in place, a marriage will not be stable and will be compromised, like a structure or building.

Sorry for rambling on you kissak, I do this sometimes.

I will close, it's time to fix supper here.

I will visit again. You and I have a lot in common for sure.

Your new DB friend,

Sanderika