Quote: LL, in looking back at your threads from a year ago, it kinda looked to me like the more things that you did to be independent from your H, the closer he got to you. I think I'm seeing some of this now, too, when the less that you want from him, the more he'll give you? And the better you feel about things?
it is a terrible cycle that just seem to have no end...I try and try to get h to "be present with me" and when I finally "give up" and start to take steps toward making my life "full" regardless of what he is or isn't doing for the r...that is when he starts with phone calls and a bit of attention...would it be possible to have some stability and not have this constant cat and mouse bit going on??? should it be possible?
Quoting lostlove: it is a terrible cycle that just seem to have no end...I try and try to get h to "be present with me" and when I finally "give up" and start to take steps toward making my life "full" regardless of what he is or isn't doing for the r...that is when he starts with phone calls and a bit of attention...would it be possible to have some stability and not have this constant cat and mouse bit going on??? should it be possible?
LL
Is it possible that you revert back to old patterns once h starts being responsive to you?
I'm paraphrasing here but something you said h said on an earlier post caught my eye...when you asked him to commit to a date a week he responded with something like...I can't do that ... something will happen and we'll miss a week and ....sounded like his issue was less about doing something with you and more about being held accountable for a standard/schedule that he wasn't sure he can maintain.
What if you took it a week at a time? or, as someone else suggested...plan a night out a week...if he can come, great, if not, you go do something. Not entirely what you were hoping for but maybe a step in the right direction?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
And hon, I'm only empathizing with the crappy stuff your H does. I don't hate him or not like him....I don't even know HIM...I only know how his behaviours or lack thereof affect someone dear to me...YOU!
Quote: the tools and ability are all there...they've made themselves seen time and again...but I would like for them to remain a tad more constant. not at all saying I'm looking for or expecting some fairy tale life but....well...by now you all know what I'm about.
Well...then...there's hope. Something just needs to "move" him...
You know, I'd like to expand upon JJ's comments. I know for myself, I DB'd hard...gained an almost militant-like intensity that I took with me into Piecing. I also began to create a grandiose vision of what I expect my M to be like in order for me to be satisfied with our "new R." Well, many months later, after finally chilling out, I realized that my utopian vision will never be realized and that where I have backed off in my intensity, my W has picked up the slack.
I guess, LL, I know it's frustrating because you've done many different things to engage your H. Perhaps you are trying too hard as well. Let your H make his own eggplant sandwich once in a while. He learn to appreciate those things a bit more.
Quote: The "one week at a time" concept might be something worth experimenting with.
and of course I will come up with why that too doesn't work...and to be honest I would be ok with it that way. a while back...probably last month...emt class was every tues and thurs night...one of my gf's asked to do something with me over the weekend...I figured fri would be better as h does work a full day...so thought sure I'll do something on fri with gf and then sat h and I can do something...on wed I said to h...gf called and wanted to get together this weekend...I thought fri would be best as you work and may just want to relax then we can do something together on sat night...h's response..."why don't we just take sat as it comes" and if I recall sat came and went probably with him sleeping on the couch...the other couch!
so you see I can't even make plans one week at a time and that is why I would like to schedule a specific night for the week...and sure I'm ok if say wed night is card night but wed night this week he has an appoinment or a bad day and isn't up for it..heck there's always thurs.
Quoting lostlove: so you see I can't even make plans one week at a time and that is why I would like to schedule a specific night for the week...and sure I'm ok if say wed night is card night but wed night this week he has an appoinment or a bad day and isn't up for it..heck there's always thurs.
LL
I wasn't so much suggesting that you don't plan a specific night...as much as I was suggesting that something about your wording to h "a date a week" seemed to freak him out a bit.
In other words...yah, definitely say "sat. is the night of doing something" and then decide on a weekly basis whether he's going to be able to do something with you or not. If it's NOT, then you go out on your own.
I realize this is asking you to be super flexible and super understanding of his "commitments". I just think that if h doesn't feel hemmed in to something he's not sure he can commit to...he'll be a lot more willing to make plans. Especially if he sees you going off to a movie or dinner either on your own or with friends..
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I feel I have a lot in common with your sitch. My kids are same age s(4) and d(2). And I have a workaholic husband who spends a lot of time either sleeping or fiddling with the computer. I too am feeling like DBing wasn't really worth it and not sure whether I actually like H much. We had a great 6 weeks together following his return home in June but this past month has been really crappy and I feel like we are back in old R.
Quote: Usually, by the time we're posting on this forum, we've got a lot of momentum built up, and have been working very hard to get to this place. It's hard to slow that pace down. Often times, once we do, it's easy to forget that some of the things that helped us get here, and we fall back into old patterns
These seem like wise words from JamesJohn kind of hit me like a 2X4.
I agree with Sage and others who have posted to say you should schedule a night out a week and just do it whether he comes or not.
After H read 5LL he finally clicked that my LL is quality time so now we go out one night a week to a salsa class. I swear it is the only thing keeping our marriage together. If it weren't for that one night out together I think I would be throwing in the towel by now. Maybe it would be a good thing to schedule something where you don't have to talk face to face, like dancing or bowling or something. Maybe your H is fighting shy because he thinks it will end up being R talks all the time?
The time you mentioned when he asked you to watch football on TV with him and you turned him down. Maybe that was a babystep? Not ideally what you would like - a crumb as you put it - but maybe you have to build the cake one crumb at a time?
BTW on the question of loneliness and being stuck with the kids - I hear you, although I do have a couple of girlfriends in same sitch and we get together. You mention you're gf's are busy with chores etc. Can this work: I alternate one morning a week minding my friend's kids for her and vice versa then we have lunch together. I also alternate dropping off and picking up S to pre-school with another friend and then we usually at least have a cup of tea or something when we drop the other child back. It works because we are helping each other out as well as just getting together to chat.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
it is a terrible cycle that just seem to have no end...I try and try to get h to "be present with me" and when I finally "give up" and start to take steps toward making my life "full" regardless of what he is or isn't doing for the r...that is when he starts with phone calls and a bit of attention...would it be possible to have some stability and not have this constant cat and mouse bit going on??? should it be possible?
Is it possible that you revert back to old patterns once h starts being responsive to you?
hmmmm, what am I doing when h starts with phone calls and attempts at getting closer to me???? being distant, not talking much, not initiating any conversations, not initiating any physical contact, basically just going about my business and trying as hard as possible to just treat him as if he's a roomate.
what "patterns" do I fall into when he's been "trying" to draw me back?? talk a bit more, lose a bit of the edge that keeps me silent, become not as afraid to sit down on the couch next to him without an invitation.
so basically the only way to keep h consistantly engaged in the r is for me to just back off, stay queit and just not care go about my business and "fill" my life with other stuff...hope that at somepoint he may "get it" and if he doesn't well then either accept that half life or leave?
I am begining to thing that h and I just have different ideas about what m should be.
m for me...sure there's the house and kids and bills and all that stuff. but m more importantly is sharing life with another, being friends, being lovers, being a part of eachothers lives.
it seems to me that h's idea of m is.. man goes to work, pays bills, takes care of the yard, occassionally listens to w talk about life stuff, goes to football games, watches sports, occassionally to keep w happy spends time with her.
thing that throws this theory out the window is h's r with ow?
if h is a loner, content to work, eat, sleep and watch sports and only on occassion have an intimate r with a woman...then why was he spending so much time with ow? what were they talking about, what was their r that he would go to her house 3x a week? 3x a week even if only for 45 min or so is far more than I get here...unless of course I am to count the time that h simply spends in the house doing his own thing? I doubt very much that h was simply doing his own thing when he'd visit ow.
it appears that ow's house is no longer for sale...the fact that her house was to sell was the supposed only reason she was still a customer..I've finally questioned h about this and he still has no answer about removing her from his customer list...did state that when he does have to go to her house to service it he calls ahead to let her know when he will be there and she is not there when he goes and he is not alone going there anyway. claims that he'd be more likely to bump into her driving around that town than he would servicing her house so what's the difference...big diff to me!
the longer ow is a cust...the longer part of me stays away from h.
h has really screwed thing up...he was not ready to come home when he did...the appologies I got in the begining mean little to me because he still talked to her afterward...she is still a customer. Is it all about ow...no...it is about the fact that h either just doesn't want a r or he doesn't want one with me.
Something just needs to "move" him...