Quoting jethro: </font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr /> my browser is playing games with me so bringing over the posts from sage, jethro and shiny from the locked thread to here aren't doable right now.
Coming up! (but didn't see anything from Sage)
I actually wanted to continue this dialog because I felt we had not finished...and I want to "finish," as the examination helps me too... and that is what we come here for after all isn't it? or are we here to discuss KAW's fancy methods of waking up his w??
Quoting Shiny: think Jethro has something here LL.
First let me say that it would drive me NUTS if my H were undermining my ideas, dismissing my thoughts and feelings in such a manner!!! can you say hair pulling frustration!!
That is arrogant, pompous, belittling, and a whole host of other nasty sentiments!!! a huh!
However, I think that beneath most arrogance is FEAR. Fear of being wrong, fear of having to reveal oneself, fear of allowing someone else to have a valid point that may conflict with one's own fragile ego. ok so we all have an ego but for pete's sake...let it go already...if I can humble myself why can't he (more often) Yes, LL the most arrogant, narcissistic people are usually hiding insecurities and low self esteem. often was guilty of that myself...I recognized it...trouble is I recognize it in h but he doesn't always see it in himself
When someone is confident in themselves, in their views, they have NO REASON to belittle another person's view in such a manner. exactly! Does HE realize this...I'd bet NOT....it just "works" for him to dismiss your feelings/views in this way. If it's just "junk from other sources" then it's not really valid and he doesn't have to give it due consideration!!!
So what to do about it?
Well I know that CJ has shown me the light a fair bit in pointing out when my comments are dismissive (not in the same manner, but still).
Would that work with your H? Not so sure, as I don't think he has a lot of insight into this.
How about spelling out to him, maybe in a letter? How his dismissals make you feel? I know you've probably already TOLD him this lots of times, but perhaps NOW he might be more willing to hear and validate you? I never actually can tell if h HEARS me or not, sometimes I get a verbal response to such things and other times he seems to try to apply what I've said....maybe he knows maybe he doesn't, maybe he just feels justified in being a poop the same way I feel justified in asking for what I want. or in other words...most of his arrogant attitude stems from the fact that most of my "complaints" are the same old same old ones..thing is h has never actually "tried" to address them ie. the one night a week thing. Reminding him of this tendency of his will open the topic and perhaps allow you to start calling him on it when it happens. He's probably not nearly as aware of this as you are! I hope not cause if he is then he really isn't thick he's just a jerk. ---SNIP---
Hi LL, things are slow on the boards and CJ's calzone's are taking longer than anticipated so I checked out "smoochie's" thread.
I just love you girl! Not afraid to ask what many of us think when we read her posts. So....making enemies on the BB, huh? no, not making enemies just saying it like it is...I don't know her...but I know people like her..we all do..was she my personal whipping boy...certainly not..she obviously knows not the wrath of LL, if I really wanted to be mean and nasty to her she would know it and a whole lot of jaws would drop reading what I'd have to say to her.
Seriously though, I have to wonder at her motivation too. I did ask her what kind of warning she gave her H about her unhappiness. Added my own nearly total lack of warning about CJ's unhappiness.
Probably fruitless, but oh well. with her, yes definately fruitless, she doesn't get it yet and of course will be flocked to by all the flailing lbs's who want her councel and advice.
what ways might you suggest I help him to realize what he is doing in communicating this way? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, I don't have any good suggestions. How do you coax someone into truly examining themselves and their motivations? It usually takes something rather drastic to "force" this change...kind of like our Ses telling us to take a hike. Thing is, one has to be "open" to hearing this stuff and I don't get the impression your H is in a place to do so.
Has he ever done any kind of serious self-examination, LL? Perhaps if he has, you can draw on this to support your efforts. Thing is, reading a couple of R books should help, but I know what you're going to say about his response to that...
He's stuck in his ego, LL...like many of us tend to do. Fortunately, many of us here on the BB (through Michele's help) see that our ego drives much of our thoughts, so we work through those things to try and make it so they have less impact on "reality." I know, if you asked me three years ago, whether I needed to change, I'd say that perhaps I was over-stressed, but other than that I'm good. My point is, I wasn't even in a place where I could even think that I wasn't "on top" of things.
I imagine your influence is working, LL, but ultimately it has to come from him. This reminds me of something my W shared with me from a seminar she went to last weekend...which I'm going to paraphrase and adjust to this situation. We understand what it takes to make a M work, and in this knowledge, we try to share our insights with our S. Many times our S is unwilling to "accept" what we have to share. Thing is, the influence may still be there. It's like an assembly line for ketsup...the bottle has to be made, the label put on, the ketsup inserted into the bottle, and the seal put on the bottle. You just might be the label in the process of his self-examination. So, who or what will be the bottle? Who knows... I've been standing here with the damn bottle buffed shined and labeled waiting for h to poor the ketchup in...little drips is what we've got...someone needs to give that little 57 a whack and get things flowing..I thought that his experience with ow taught him some things..woke him up a bit...but it seems he's slumped a tad again.
Like SB said, he is being arrogant. IMHO, intelligence doesn't hold a candle to wisdom. I like to think wisdom comes from knowing that you know very little. I totally agree with that sentiment!! Sorry that was so long-winded.
So???
jethro
of course there's more to say but that's about all I can get in right now!
