WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[Sliver]

That is still very much up in the air right now. STBX's bitterness and resentment towards me has returned full force and I found out that she is trying to build a case to deny me the 50/50 coustody that we had informally agreed upon.

Again I spoke to my lawyer and he told me to continue spending as much time taking care of D as I can (currently 50/50) which takes the legs out of whatever argument she makes down the road. I believe that 99% of her desire to take more custody is based on her need for child support to afford a new place. She really has gone to that level.

Again talk to your lawyer about this.

[confusedinpa]

That is still very much up in the air right now. STBX's bitterness and resentment towards me has returned full force and I found out that she is trying to build a case to deny me the 50/50 coustody that we had informally agreed upon.

Again I spoke to my lawyer and he told me to continue spending as much time taking care of D as I can (currently 50/50) which takes the legs out of whatever argument she makes down the road. I believe that 99% of her desire to take more custody is based on her need for child support to afford a new place. She really has gone to that level.

Again talk to your lawyer about this.

Sliver,

Thanks for the insight. I had talked to my lawyer. The toughest part for me is to have my 2 boys bouncing back and forth between 2 houses. I want to keep them full and let my wife take them for visits every other weekend, but she wouldn't go for it. I thought the next best would be let her have primary physical (joint legal) and I will take them for visits every other (my lawyer said that would probably increase child support by 10-20% to almost $3000/month - not that big of a difference). She blew up on that as she said I was ducking my responsibilities. I had challenged her on that as I said I was willing to be primary and let her take them on visits.

Anyway, as you can see from my journaling, we hadn't talked about it since the weekend. I'm sure it will come up tonite.

BTW - I did catch up on your situation/thread. Sounds like you had a great V-day. Much better than mine - I spent it with my wife who hid in the bedroom crying the whole time because she was mad about the entire situation. Let me know if you CG22 has any friends!

[Sliver]

$3K per month child support? Holy f#*%!

I need to get into whatever field you are in.

Anyway, I have to ask:

Are you totaly done with the M and ready to throw in the towel? Or are you just being practical about the impending D?


From the tone of some of your posts it seems that you are still wanting to work it out, but in others it seems like you have given up.

[confusedinpa]

$3K per month child support? Holy f#*%!

I need to get into whatever field you are in.

Anyway, I have to ask:

Are you totaly done with the M and ready to throw in the towel? Or are you just being practical about the impending D?


From the tone of some of your posts it seems that you are still wanting to work it out, but in others it seems like you have given up.

I'm just being practical about the impeding separation. Since she's formally filed for the D, when she moves out, it will trigger a child support arrangement, which is calculated based on a formula. My lawyer said it would be about $2500/month if I was at 50/50 (which also includes some spousal support). Big chunk of that is the child daycare ($1500/month). You are right, Holy F#*%! Tough nut to carry every month for the next 15 years.

I still want to work it out. It's just at times I feel like it's a lost cause since she seems he** bent on moving out.

That was one of the things she gripped about after our most recent counseling session. I had brought up how I felt she was racing to leave since I told her that I love her enough that if she feels like she needs to go, I won't stand in her way. She said that she's wanted to leave since she told me on Jan 9th. It's now April. She says how is 3 months racing. I didn't argue with her, what's the point.

I had gotten a sense from her that she felt trapped during this time. I felt that as long as she felt that way, she will not heal or get to the point where she sees what is happening. I tried to not see it, but it is a brutal reality. She was constantly pushing for a custody agreement as well as for us to decide what to do with the house (she said she can't afford to keep up with all the costs and I had told her I couldn't with just my income).

A couple of weeks before I had the "feel free" discussion, I had told her that we would need to sell the house. The next day she called a realtor. Surprised the heck out of me.

So I thought it through and decided that I need to keep the house to provide some stability for my boys during this mess. Plus I thought it would be psychologically harder for her to move out of our family home. That's why as part of the "feel free" discussion, I told her that I would stay in the house and would want the boys in the house as much as possible. That's where I got into keeping the boys and she could take them for visits.

A few folks here thought that that she felt trapped as well so I opened the door to let her feel free. I just didn't expect for her to bolt so quickly. Basically she found started preparing to move into her apartment the weekend after I told her on Friday. She started buying stuff for it and told her mom, her best friend as well as my mom she was leaving.

I thought about fighting custody and say the kids will stay with me (so she would have to pay me child support), but my lawyer said I have less than a 10% chance of winning that, plus that would just create a greater divide between us.

I want to save our marriage.

I see what I've done in the past to get us to this point and I've been working my 180. Many have seen and recognize the changes (my therapist/counselor, friends, kids, family). About six weeks ago, she has said she sees the changes and is proud of how I've changed, but still can't see me as her husband. She said there is just too many years of hurt/pain and the negative emotions have completely stripped away any positive feelings she had for me. She feels she gave me all her love and I threw it all away. It was very painful for me to hear that.

Right now, I know I can't do anything to change her mind. Only she can do that.

So I've given up on trying to convince her. I recognize I'm making the changes to be a better/hapier me, not just to get her back. I've also given up on my old marriage, that is not what I want.

What I want is a new marriage where we have a healthy loving relationship and I do want it to be with my wife. That is her choice now.

I get frustrated/down at times as I feel powerless in my situation. That is true when I'm thinking about how to change her mind. I need to remind myself I can't do that.

All I can do is focus on being the best person, friend and father I can be. Perhaps she will see and believe the changes so that there is reason for her to change her mind.

So the divorce clock continues to tick. She know's I'm not going to agree to the divorce so this will go the 24 month distance. I still believe in the marriage and believe that the relationship can work if we both work on it. I'm stepping up to the party. I just need her to decide if she wants to join.

[antlers]

I want to save our marriage.

I've also given up on my old marriage, that is not what I want.

What I want is a new marriage where we have a healthy loving relationship and I do want it to be with my wife. I still believe in the marriage and believe that the relationship can work if we both work on it.

Don't despair, and don't give up on your marriage. I know you believe in it. I can relate to a lot of how you feel and what you're saying.

[confusedinpa]

Don't despair, and don't give up on your marriage. I know you believe in it. I can relate to a lot of how you feel and what you're saying.

Thanks for the encouragement Antlers.

It's just that I really feel like I've messed up in our marriage (I'm not saying it was all me, but I definitely own 100% of my share of the responsibility). Now I feel that I've really messed up trying to save it by setting the cage door free that my wife jumped at it. Part of me thinks it's better that she stays in the house while I'm DB'ing. I'm torn as if she is feeling trapped, that's not a good situation either.

It's easy to second guess what I could have done, but I'm struggling with what I could have done to give her the sense she was free to go, without giving her enough freedom to actually go. Guess that's not possible is it. Could I have helped her try to sell the house, so she would see the light at the end of the tunnel? Or would she have still felt trapped and I would have just wasted more of the 24 month clock before the divorce becomes final.

Sigh, it's painful

I have my therapist appointment today. Not sure what that will do....

[spellfire]

It's just that I really feel like I've messed up in our marriage (I'm not saying it was all me, but I definitely own 100% of my share of the responsibility). Now I feel that I've really messed up trying to save it by setting the cage door free that my wife jumped at it. Part of me thinks it's better that she stays in the house while I'm DB'ing. I'm torn as if she is feeling trapped, that's not a good situation either.

If she is still chomping at the bit to leave, I would let her. She is never going to learn to appreciate what she had otherwise. If she is much happier alone, you are just going to have to work hard on being an even more attractive option.

[Sliver]

I still want to work it out. It's just at times I feel like it's a lost cause since she seems he** bent on moving out.

My STBX fluctuated from feeling she had to move out, to wanting to work on things, then back to hatin' on me.

Although ultimately it didnt work out for us (Diff sitch, she had OM) there were periods when she seemed like she genuinely wanted to work things out. So give her her space and GAL like mad, and recapture some of the swagger you rolled with when you met her.


Oh and BTW, if you ever want to pi$$ off a WAW. I mean really pi$$ her off! let her find out you are dating someone much younger than her. You would think I lit her hair on fire with her pettiness and her bitterness.
Some really ugly $h!t.

I will be very happy once she moves out EOM.

[confusedinpa]

If she is much happier alone, you are just going to have to work hard on being an even more attractive option.

That's what I'm worried about. I'm sure she will decide she is happier. Problem is that I won her over by making her feel like the most important person in my life. How do I make her feel that way again and still be dark/dim?

[confusedinpa]

The move is getting closer. She started to pack up her clothes and ran it over to her apartment. Its the first time she actually moved stuff right in front of me. Maybe she's not waiting till the 18th after all. My aunt and mom are coming on the 19th to be there for me and stay for a week

Not sure if she's trying to get me mad or what.

I had an interesting session with my therapist. She pretty much challenged if I really do love her right now. It was hard for me to say for sure.

I thought I do/did but like Coach had pointed out, the ILYBINILWY is a phase that I may go through. My biggest angst is what my kids will be put through. I still want to save my marriage and try to reconnect with the woman I married.

Has anyone else gotten to this conflict emotionally?

My therapist/our counselor points out that we seem to be different from most couples going through this, there is usually a lot of emotions. She doesn't see that from my wife.

I feel hurt, sad, disappointed and frustrated at times, but I don't think I've been angry. She thinks that is very odd. Has anyone else not gotten angry?

I'm actually at a point where I may feel relieved when she leaves. Perhaps just for a moment. There is just so much stress that I'm going through seeing bits going out everyday.

Right now I need all the encouragement and support that I can get. Thanks for reading