Quote: my browser is playing games with me so bringing over the posts from sage, jethro and shiny from the locked thread to here aren't doable right now.
Coming up! (but didn't see anything from Sage)
I actually wanted to continue this dialog because I felt we had not finished...and I want to "finish," as the examination helps me too...
Quoting Shiny: think Jethro has something here LL.
First let me say that it would drive me NUTS if my H were undermining my ideas, dismissing my thoughts and feelings in such a manner!!!
That is arrogant, pompous, belittling, and a whole host of other nasty sentiments!!!
However, I think that beneath most arrogance is FEAR. Fear of being wrong, fear of having to reveal oneself, fear of allowing someone else to have a valid point that may conflict with one's own fragile ego.
Yes, LL the most arrogant, narcissistic people are usually hiding insecurities and low self esteem.
When someone is confident in themselves, in their views, they have NO REASON to belittle another person's view in such a manner.
Does HE realize this...I'd bet NOT....it just "works" for him to dismiss your feelings/views in this way. If it's just "junk from other sources" then it's not really valid and he doesn't have to give it due consideration!!!
So what to do about it?
Well I know that CJ has shown me the light a fair bit in pointing out when my comments are dismissive (not in the same manner, but still).
Would that work with your H? Not so sure, as I don't think he has a lot of insight into this.
How about spelling out to him, maybe in a letter? How his dismissals make you feel? I know you've probably already TOLD him this lots of times, but perhaps NOW he might be more willing to hear and validate you?
Reminding him of this tendency of his will open the topic and perhaps allow you to start calling him on it when it happens. He's probably not nearly as aware of this as you are!
---SNIP---
Hi LL, things are slow on the boards and CJ's calzone's are taking longer than anticipated so I checked out "smoochie's" thread.
I just love you girl! Not afraid to ask what many of us think when we read her posts. So....making enemies on the BB, huh?
Seriously though, I have to wonder at her motivation too. I did ask her what kind of warning she gave her H about her unhappiness. Added my own nearly total lack of warning about CJ's unhappiness.
what ways might you suggest I help him to realize what he is doing in communicating this way? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, I don't have any good suggestions. How do you coax someone into truly examining themselves and their motivations? It usually takes something rather drastic to "force" this change...kind of like our Ses telling us to take a hike. Thing is, one has to be "open" to hearing this stuff and I don't get the impression your H is in a place to do so.
Has he ever done any kind of serious self-examination, LL? Perhaps if he has, you can draw on this to support your efforts. Thing is, reading a couple of R books should help, but I know what you're going to say about his response to that...
He's stuck in his ego, LL...like many of us tend to do. Fortunately, many of us here on the BB (through Michele's help) see that our ego drives much of our thoughts, so we work through those things to try and make it so they have less impact on "reality." I know, if you asked me three years ago, whether I needed to change, I'd say that perhaps I was over-stressed, but other than that I'm good. My point is, I wasn't even in a place where I could even think that I wasn't "on top" of things.
I imagine your influence is working, LL, but ultimately it has to come from him. This reminds me of something my W shared with me from a seminar she went to last weekend...which I'm going to paraphrase and adjust to this situation. We understand what it takes to make a M work, and in this knowledge, we try to share our insights with our S. Many times our S is unwilling to "accept" what we have to share. Thing is, the influence may still be there. It's like an assembly line for ketsup...the bottle has to be made, the label put on, the ketsup inserted into the bottle, and the seal put on the bottle. You just might be the label in the process of his self-examination. So, who or what will be the bottle? Who knows...
Like SB said, he is being arrogant. IMHO, intelligence doesn't hold a candle to wisdom. I like to think wisdom comes from knowing that you know very little.
