Yeap, very addictive personality I have. And its like when I start the brakes just fail. I called again. I need to be committed to a mental institution I swear.
I did get sucked right back in. I call H and told that he can't have his keys b/c no man should have keys to two houses with a woman in each. Then he went into he didn't want his keys back and he didn't expect them back. And I said no you sure did give that impression. He said how he's needs time to work on himself and that things are not right. And I said how can a man be working on himself by being in another relationship and that people who are working on themselves take time to themselves to figure things out. And he said that how I keep trying to rush things and he needs time because things aren't right with us. And things aren't right with me either and I need to be working on myself as well but I don't see that. I agreed that I have faults I know. And I was like take all the time you need but I will not be waiting around wasting my life. And that I could be waiting 10/15 years from now.
Then I said ok, since you need time and you need me to give you time, how much time exactly do you need? H: I don't know. Me: And what exactly are you doing to fix things? H: nothing right now. Interesting isn't it. Things aren't right between us, but you are not doing anything to fix things but you are in a full blow R living with another woman but you want an indefinite amount of time. Then I said, it sounds like you know exactly what you want. And he said he knows it doesn't make sense us like this and maybe we should just do the divorce and move on. I told him I've been seriously thinking about it because of the financial responsibility that he has walked away from. And of course he went into how he was kicked out, etc.
But, guys, bottomline, I THINK I NEED TO GET DIVORCED. I'm here starting to cry at work.
Only you know the answer to that, Vicky. No one can tell you that FOR you.
I do think you need to give the proper DB principles a chance, and unless you're willing to keep up NC for a period of time, you'll never know. You've simply GOT to some being reactive, and rein yourself in. You lost a ton of ground here today after doing SO WELL for over a week.
The GOOD news is, NONE of that is irrevocable. But you DO need to hop right back up on the horse.
Thanks, Pup. I will get back on the horse. I make one step forward and 2 steps back. Yea, this was certainly not good for me emotionally. I'm a mess now. You know it actually got me to thinking, there is actually not one thing right now that my H does or says that gives me any hope or encouragement to think that this will work out.
One thing that's really helped me is waiting on things. I usually don't call, but if I'm tempted to email H I'll post here about it or just hold it for half a day or a day sometimes. Then sometimes I don't send it, or if I do, I'll drastically shorten it to DB approved just the kids stuff or bills or whatever. That really helps me.
I think you need to up your GALing time and get busier with that stuff. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your buildings and professionally, but I mean stuff for you. Fun activities like movies or reading a book or exercise or whatever you would enjoy. Add a couple of those in every week to your schedule.
Also, I do think my H is an addict just like yours probably. I think of it like if he was actively addicted to alcohol I would just go on living my life (I've thought about this b/c my H is a sober alcoholic). If he sobered up, then I would consider if I would reconcile with him, but if he was still active in his addiction, no way would I mess with him and let him hurt me and the kids. Well, same thing with an active addiction to an OW--no way will I let him (and her) hurt me and the kids. I'm going on to live a happy, healthy life and he can do whatever.... Karen
Thanks Karen. You are so right that I need to give time to things and not be so reactive. I think I know all that I need to do but putting it into practice is so hard. I need to break these habits. Funny thing is that my sister and BIL always say that my H is on drugs. They are convinced of it based on his actions. Mind you that H doesn't even drink - one beer knocks him out. But his behavior is definitely crackheadish. I'm working slowly on my flaws. It really is harder than I could imagine. I keep saying that getting my BA and master degrees were easier than this.
I love the advice you give by the way. I know that unfortunately that comes from experience - but as the saying goes, experience is a good teacher! I will try to add some fun stuff into my life. I think you're right that I'm not enjoying life enough. I really don't have a fun activity that I do on a weekly basis. I think that actually would enrich my life. I go out with friends on and off and have been going to the gym at work but I think a fun hobby would be good for me. I have no hobbies per se. I think a hobby that I'm doing with a group would be good for me. Will look into that!!
Just checking in...keep your contact to email or texts. So you slipped a bit. Get up and start again.
Have you filed for legal separation at all? My only thought is if your H is not good with money or credit anything he does now you are half responsible for. So he could go out and buy a new vehicle, credit cards etc and because you are legally married you would be responsible for half. That is the way here in California, I would check into that.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
So journaling 4/9/09: So I called H to discuss the bldging and how to proceed. Yesterday I talked with our realtor/advisor about it so I called H to discuss what he would like to do. I tried to keep it business only. Basically, I feel I want to sell the building and get rid of our business rental that we do there. I feel like I need to start making decisions for my life. The bldg is the only tide that binds H and I and I think that is one step toward moving on to get rid of it. We went into this venture know that it is a long term investment and if there is no long term then better be done with it. I made the offer to H that if he wants it I would not object, my only concern would be to clear off the debt that we have in both of our names. I highly doubt he can get it since his credit went down since our separation, but that's up to him to figure it out.
I've actually been doing a lot of thinking after my conversation with H and I can tell you this is all reminiscence of my past with H. H and I got married after 10 years of being together and 6 years of living together. For 5 years before the wedding our constant battle was about getting married. H had the cake so he figured why buy the cookie. He stringed me along for as long as possible and it wasn't until I got totally sick and tired and was ready to move on did he step up to the plate. And I can tell you today, if I didn't make being married a requirement for us to go on I know he would not have gone through with the wedding to this day. So I remember H would say while he was stringing me along that "what's the rush", "he needs time", "I'm always rushing things", and "if the marriage doesn't work out that I should not blame him since I rushed it." So that is H's basic thinking now too. He even had the balls to say to me yesterday that he told me not to blame him for the M not working, I said you didn't tell me you were going to run around cheating on me the whole time though. So he's now saying he needs time to figure things out, what's the rush, I need to stop pushing him, etc. etc. And you know what, I think if I allow him, H would string this along for 10 more years. I really think that he thinks that I will allow him to carry on like this until he is ready, since I allowed him to string me along for so many years. Not this time. Since he so didn't want to get married, but mind you wanted us to keep shacking up and was the happiest groom ever, and since he wants to continue this bullcrap with OW, I think I need to give him exactly that. I am going to start my divorce. God knows I don't believe in D, and he knows my heart was pure when I married H but I gotta do this for me. The alternative of waiting on H based on his track record seems too indefinite. No way. As I understand it takes several months to to make the D final, so if H wants to stop it he has time. If he doesn't then better I know now.
So I searching for a good divorce attorney in NYC? Would like recommendations, so if any knows of one can you please share with me.
So journaling 4/9/09: So I called H to discuss the bldging and how to proceed. Yesterday I talked with our realtor/advisor about it so I called H to discuss what he would like to do. I tried to keep it business only. Basically, I feel I want to sell the building and get rid of our business rental that we do there. I feel like I need to start making decisions for my life. The bldg is the only tide that binds H and I and I think that is one step toward moving on to get rid of it. We went into this venture know that it is a long term investment and if there is no long term then better be done with it. I made the offer to H that if he wants it I would not object, my only concern would be to clear off the debt that we have in both of our names. I highly doubt he can get it since his credit went down since our separation, but that's up to him to figure it out.
I've actually been doing a lot of thinking after my conversation with H and I can tell you this is all reminiscence of my past with H. H and I got married after 10 years of being together and 6 years of living together. For 5 years before the wedding our constant battle was about getting married. H had the cake so he figured why buy the cookie. He stringed me along for as long as possible and it wasn't until I got totally sick and tired and was ready to move on did he step up to the plate. And I can tell you today, if I didn't make being married a requirement for us to go on I know he would not have gone through with the wedding to this day. So I remember H would say while he was stringing me along that "what's the rush", "he needs time", "I'm always rushing things", and "if the marriage doesn't work out that I should not blame him since I rushed it." So that is H's basic thinking now too. He even had the balls to say to me yesterday that he told me not to blame him for the M not working, I said you didn't tell me you were going to run around cheating on me the whole time though. So he's now saying he needs time to figure things out, what's the rush, I need to stop pushing him, etc. etc. And you know what, I think if I allow him, H would string this along for 10 more years. I really think that he thinks that I will allow him to carry on like this until he is ready, since I allowed him to string me along for so many years. Not this time. Since he so didn't want to get married, but mind you wanted us to keep shacking up and was the happiest groom ever, and since he wants to continue this bullcrap with OW, I think I need to give him exactly that. I am going to start my divorce. God knows I don't believe in D, and he knows my heart was pure when I married H but I gotta do this for me. The alternative of waiting on H based on his track record seems too indefinite. No way. As I understand it takes several months to to make the D final, so if H wants to stop it he has time. If he doesn't then better I know now.
So I searching for a good divorce attorney in NYC? Would like recommendations, so if any knows of one can you please share with me.
I'm working slowly on my flaws. It really is harder than I could imagine. I keep saying that getting my BA and master degrees were easier than this.