You can do this. My god, you GAVE BIRTH, didn't you? What other great physical, emotional or intellectual achievements have you accomplished in your life?
What other prayers has God answered?
He will help you again.
I know this is hard, but you need to do this for now. Not for always, but for now. Kudos on the alarm thing.
Thanks Pup. I am trying. I decided to blast some music on my headphones here at work to get through this day... Motown - good for the soul. And no, no birth here. Remember, battled with infertility problems. Yea, I think I am going to make a list of all the good God has done for me. May give perspective to better deal.
Regarding the infertility thing, I really don't think I have a problem and no doctor has identified one, so I'm ok with that right now. All things work together for good!!
Journaling 4/8: yesterday I made it through the day without contacting H but it was tempting. I still can't believe how hard this is. This is another confirmation for me that I should never ever smoke or try any drugs of that matter. With my addiction to food and H, I can only imagine how addicted I would be to any other addictive substance. But, for now I am hanging in there. This actually may be the longest stretch of time H and I have gone without communicating of any sort negative or positive... 8 days.
So yesterday, another inevitable bombshell, I was served with foreclosure papers for our investment property, and even the tenants were served, embarassing. In my opinion this is all the spoils of H's damn A. So we were struggling to keep the property, especially in the winter with the cost of heating oil. And when H left, he left me to deal this all this by myself. When he left in Sept. we initially said that he would move into the property but then when OW needed a place to live Hell No was I going to allow her and him to live there after all the $ and hard work I put into it. So, I decided to better let it go than for them to benefit and since the property was for me and H's future/retirement and there is no future between H and I, I would not be stressed out over this damn investment. H left everything, all the debt and bills and everything for me to take care of. So I took the rent to pay off the bills that we had incurred on the property, the IRS audit, heat the building, and to do some other work needed on the place. I figured that if the bldg had to go then at least get rid of the bills, and I had plans of things I wanted to get done so I figure at least I will see one of my dreams to the end even if just for a while. So I got my contractor to do some upgrade on the place. Anyway, so now we stand to lose something else we have worked to build. Ah well, I can't be bothered really with the stress. I plan to see if I can negotiate to get something done to save it and I know it would be a total shame to lose the building b/c H and I put tons of $$ and work into it. But as the Bible says, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." I haven't informed H as yet that we were served. Should I text him this info? Naughty me, I thought about texting him the Bible verse too but should I just text him basic info that we were served? What you think?
Ok, so I text H: "All the tenants and I were served with court papers to foreclose on the building." He then called back my cell and work phone but I didn't answer. I sent him another message "If you don't mind pl text me to discuss bldg stuff." Then he left a message saying that his text isn't working and that if I don't want to talk to him then I should take care of it. I don't know what I should do. Actually everything tells me that I need to not respond to him. My plan was to write a letter and to try to negotiate with the bank. Should I just ignore him? I am dying to tell him what else do you expect would happen when you turn a two income household income one and leave me to handle everything.
Ok, I'm pretty good at wasting your time asking for your opinion and not waiting to get a response. I called H back. First went into telling him that I'm not speaking to him not to be childish etc. but I need to get over hima and move on with my life and this is the best way for me to do so. Then Went into talking about the bldg, not a calm conversation at all. He accused me of not paying the mortgage on the bldg and using the $ to pay the mortgage at home. I denied it b/c I have not paid a dime of the rent on the mortgage and I asked him even if I did, what did he expect - me to be homeless. Then he went into how he thought I would be taking care of the bills at the bldg and he's been going over to the bldg and doing work and I should have been taking care of my end. I then went into how he shouldn't expect the bldg to last with us living like this and his grandparents who have a bldg like ours and its all paid for didn't get to where they are by grandfather living like that, which is true!. Then he talked about he's been paying his bills. And how he left b/c I kicked him out and then I hanged up on him. But I called back. H must be smoking some crack I tell you.
Anyway, I feel like I have regressed by making this call because instead of it being solely about business it was all R talk on my account I think. I even brought up that when I think about it, before we got married he was cheating, brought a child into the marriage, and for the 5 years we've been married, he has not been faithful even for one full year. And then he professed that he was faithful in the beginning years. Whooohoo!! The man makes me sick.
Then get this, he goes into how hard its been on him and that he's working on things trying to figure things out. Whoooooo the man makes me mad. How in the world can he be working on crap by living with another woman. Does he think I'm a fool. In fact, I don't even think this is about fooling me, I think H is fooling himself. He makes me sick to my tummy!!
Ok another thing, H mentioned again about how I went and took away his keys like he's a kid and that if he was to come home he doesn't even have keys to his own house. A little background, one of my flaws in our marriage was that I would constantly pack H's clothes and tell him to get out and then I would unpack the clothes of course, but H always said how do I think that made him feel like his home isn't his home (even though he was completely disrespecting me and his home). I did take the keys in Sept. when he said that he's not coming back. He keeps saying the say old crap though about me taking his keys to his house. I know H is bullshiting me on this and sometimes I like to call his bluff. I was thinking that I should go, leave his keys in his workvan that's parked up at this grandparents garage with a note that says something like "Here are my requirements: xyz. Don't even think about using this if you cannot meet these requirements."
OMG, I'm just blowing up the board today. Ok, I'm answering my own question.. No, H will not get his keys back. When he has one house, he will get one set of keys. He can't have keys to two houses with a woman in each. What the hell is that. Decision made!!
GOOD DECISION, Vicky. I just wish you'd made ANOTHER good decision, and stuck to your "text-only" about the bldg. You allowed yourself to get sucked into waaaayyyy too much with him.
You need to show more self-restraint. As I've been stating on the boards here recently, DBing is not that complicated, it's more than it takes an incredible amount of DISCIPLINE.
In some ways, this will be good for you, as you say yourself, you have a somewhat addictive personality. I do too!
and H, I can only imagine how addicted I would be to any other addictive substance. But, for now I am hanging in there. This actually may be the longest stretch of time H and I have gone without communicating of any sort negative or positive... 8 days.