Retrouvaille saved me - AN #3

[AnotherNightmare]

Well, the roller coaster ride continues, even though it has slowed down quite a bit. And it seems like we are able to recover a lot faster from the downs. They still happen, but it seems we both make an effort to improve the situation as quickly as possible.

Overall last week was very positive. So we went to our 4th post-session on Sunday expecting a talk about conflict resolution. Not sure why, but they had swapped it with next Sunday's session on intimacy and sexual relationship. In a way I was disappointed, and I think my W was, too. She seemed not ready to talk about intimacy yet. On the last dialogue question, she kind of refused to answer the question. Even though I really tried to understand where she was coming from, she sensed that I was unhappy about that.

The good news is during the next 24 hours we never reached the lows we used to get to before, but it was a 24-hour period of making up and increasing the tension again. Well, it turned out Monday night seems to be our favorite night now. After I had already said good night, she turned over, started to hug me and said: "You cannot be mad at somebody you ML with."

So again we are on a high today. Unfortunately, I have a full day of work today. I am on the phone with a client all day. Maybe it is not too bad, because that prevents me from doing things that may look like I am pressuring her.

[Sara]

She wins. Real intimacy is better than talking about intimacy. Keep up the good work. I know, they save that conflict resolution to the very end. By the time it came, we didn't need it so much anymore.

[working on me]

Hi AN, it's been a while since I have heard from you. I hope all is well!

I have been reading your novel her, LOL

I would love an update on how you and the wife are doing.

If you get a chance can you do some catching up on my posts as well, I value your input. I will be getting the love without hurt book that you had suggested. I think you suggested that my wife read it as well. Things are look worse in my situation right now. I'm scared, I don't know if i am doing enough or if what i am doing is wrong.

One hopefull sighn is that she has considered retrovi. I told her about it a few weeks ago and she said she would not consider it. But now she says she is sure the only answer for us to legallyu end the relationship with a divorce.
I told her I would never give up, mistake saying that I don't know.

I asked her if she would consider retrovi again when she told me about the divorce, I said why not give it a try what do we have to lose. She said she would look at the website, but if it sounds like crap she will not go. She is also hesitant because it is religious based as well, she doeasn't like that.

I told her that maybe if we went to the first weekend and see how it goes, if she couldn't handle it I guess we wouldn't have to go to the rest. She liked the idea of being able to bail out.

At least she is considering it.

If you could give me any words of advice on my situation and your feelings about retrovi I would really appreciate it.

Thank you so much!

[AnotherNightmare]

WOM,

First of all, let me give you some input on Retro. Sara may chime in, she helped me a lot in the weeks before Retro and is still helping me.

The role of religion during the weekend and the post-sessions is relatively small. Every once in a while, the relationship to God is mentioned, the post-sessions start and end with a prayer, but that is really it. Nobody forces you to participate. Mass is offered during the weekend, but there is no obligation to go. I have to say though that even though I am not Catholic (my W is) I went to the final mass on Sunday afternoon. When we decided to go, we both considered it a quiet moment to chill out after an intense weekend, but honestly, it all came down on me during that last hour we spent on campus. It was very frightening, and I cannot explain until today what really happened there.

In any case, Retro is primarily about teaching communication. It teaches you a method of communicating your feelings (Dialogue) in a safe environment. I would almost say it teaches you emotional intelligence. The initial weekend does not teach you how to solve your problems. The post-sessions handle the more down-to-earth topics, how to move on from there and how to solve your problems eventually. Even if you do not rebuild that connection between the two of you, you both should learn something about conflict resolution and maybe take a few things with you that you can apply to a new R, whether it is a new R between the two of you or a R with somebody else. If anything, you will not be worse off after the weekend than before.

My personal situation has improved further. We have not had a setback since I last posted. We have been doing things together, we laugh, we enjoy each other a little more every day.
Last Friday, we had our first MC session together. Our C had us write down our top 3 problem areas and 3 areas of strength. We differed slightly, but were really very close. Parenting is still an issue, which we will need to address. But overall the session went really well, and I can say for myself that it helped me understand a few things even better.

On Sunday, we went to our 5th Retro post-session about conflict resolution. Interestingly, we had a lot of fun during that session when we did our Dialogue. I think we had the most fun of all the couples. We even had more fun than the couples who were holding hands on the Sunday of the Retro weekend. By that time we were far from exchanging any kind of gentleness, kindness or affection. There are still quite a few conflicts ahead of us, for example where we are going to live (US or Germany), parenting etc, but it seems like we have built a basis that is still growing to handle and resolve these conflicts at some point in the future.

Yesterday was my birthday. She had helped the kids get presents for me. Well, I received her gift early in the morning. When we were still in bed, she rolled over, started hugging me and asked me "Would you like your birthday present now?" I leave it at that...

AN

[Sara]

AN,

Glad to hear that things are still getting better for you. That's the way it was for us too. The weekend was the turning point, but it took the Post sessions to make those baby steps forward in the right direction. At the end of the Post sessions I felt that we had been led along the path as far as it went, but there was still a way to go to get out of the forest, but we could navigate on our own the rest of the way. And we did. I was so unsure at that point, but we kept getting stronger and stronger, and now we are the model couple. Some of my friends have even told me that. Amazing, when we were so bad before. I hope things will continue to get better for you.

[working on me]

Hi AN, thanks for your reply!

If you could ask Sara to check out my sitch and give advice that would be so appreciated.

I would also like to read about your whole sitch as well Sara. I really need female input in my sitch.

Keep in touch, I am still readding all of your sitch and how you have handled things AN.

[working on me]

Hi An,

I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope all is well.

I have a question for you.

You had suggested the book, love without hurt to me based on my sitch. Well I looked into it and it really spoke to my situation.
So in my research I found out that there is a love without hurt boot camp held on the east coast.

It is a three day intensive program based on the HEALS techniques and so on. Both the abuser and the abused can attend. I made the choice for my self that I would spend that last of the money I have left on the workshop, airline tickets from the west coast and hotel to stay.

I feel in my heart that it would be a huge jumping of point in my life for myself, my sons and everyone I touch in my life. Now my wife has blamed me for the failure of our marriage and the fact that she now wants a divorce. She says that the emotional and verbal abuse was to much for her and the relationship was always toxic. Therefore she no longer wants to be in any relaionship with me ever again.

Well I want her to begin to heal as well as begin to move forward in my life in as a better man. I still want more than anything to re-invent our marriage and stay with her the rest of my life. So last week I decided to take a risk and invite her to join me at the workshop, actually called boot camp. I emailed her some info, including the video interview with the author that you sent me.

She said she would consider it, but let me know that under no circumstances did she want to be going in hopes to restore our marriage. I told her I understand and that I truly understand the pain she felt and is still feeling and I only want her to begin to heal and be a happy and whole person. I siad I want his for her and for our sons because if she is not happy and healthy then her unhappyness will affect our sons.

I must admit that I do still hope that it may bring about some change in her stance about ending our marriage and relationship forever. But, if we could really be truly compassionate twoard each other I think we can truly coparent our sons.

So what are your thoughts on all of this?

And what affect do you think it might have?

How has it affected your relationship with you wife having read the book and giving the book to your wife?

[AnotherNightmare]

We had a rough two weeks, and this is the main reason why I was not on the boards. It was not related to our R, but it was a shocking diagnosis my W received a week ago: breast cancer.

The good news is that the diagnosis "cancer" is the one bad thing about the diagnosis. Everything else (stage, type of cancer etc) is rather in her favor. She will have surgery after we come back from Germany (leaving later today) and then 4 weeks later, radiation starts.

It is pretty tough. With my own feelings of helplessness and fear, I can only start to imagine what she is going through right now. Since I will be away for the 12 days and with everything else going on, I might not post as regularly as I used to for a period of time, but I promise I will come back with updates every once in a while.

WOM, to your question about "Love without Hurt", I did all the exercises at home. I think the live boot camp might give you a head start, but I am not sure it is necessary. The important work begins when you come home. Also, there are no guarantees. If you are going to do it, you are doing for yourself. Whether or not you can save your M, nobody can tell. Give it a try. You will definitely feel better.

I started the exercises about a week before my Retro weekend and gave the book to my W a week or two after the weekend. It is hard to tell if she would have read it without our weekend. She was definitely more open to it then. I think the impact on our R was significant, but it is hard to differentiate that from the impact of Retro, which was very significant, too. And we are still not through.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AN, I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I'm glad they found it early, tho.

WOMEN, HAVE YOUR CHECKUPS!!!! Us men love you too much.

Puppy

[confusedinpa]

AN,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife and hope the both of you the best.