I Never Imagined Being Here

[Making_IT]

The books got in yesterday and I read the DR from cover to cover. I certainly need to go back to some of the sections that I had marked.

My W called last night while I was at my friend's house as we were headed to the gym. She asked how many airline miles that I had with Continental. She said that she may want to fly up to her mom's house for the weekend to get away. I told her that was fine and that she could use them. Then she asked what I was planning on doing with them (the bait). I reminded her that I had been saving them for the two of us to go on an international trip together (which we had talked about over and over again), but that the miles were there to be used.

Then she goes off on me about how we had all of these airline miles and couldn't even go away for the weekend before she left(she sets the hook). Stupid me, trying to defend, said that she knew we were supposed to use those for an international trip together. I also reminded her of our trip to Catalina Island together. She didn't want to hear it, she used this as another way to paint a bad picture out of something that was supposed to be good for the two of us. I listened and didn't argue any more. We got off the phone because she was meeting a mutual friend of ours for dinner (the wife of one of our close couple friends).

It feels like she is trying to justify her actions and decisions by having events like these. She keeps saying that she is angry because none of her friends or family saw that she was unhappy and was ready to leave. If she didn't talk to anyone and always put a smile on, how would they know? I didn't realize that she was unhappy in our marriage until all of this went down.

My W keeps telling me that she is confused and doesn't know if she wants to work on re-building our marriage. All of the little negative resentments that she has had over the years and bottled up have reached their boiling point. This usually comes across to me as that she doesn't want to rebuild anything. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative, but that is what my gut feeling is telling me. Her mother and two close friends (one that went to dinner last night with her) that she has confided in have spoke with me in detail about what they think is going on. They both feel like she is confused right now and didn't get the picture that the W had decided that she didn't want to try. Although they haven't directly stated it, they are hurt that the W didn't confide any of these feelings/thoughts with them prior to everything going down.

The W called again this morning about the airline miles and I sent her the account info via e-mail. I told her that I admit I wasn't perfect and never will be, but that she shouldn't attack me like that when I am around others. She got very upset and said once again that she sees our friends and family as a barrier for her to come back. I told her that nobody is mad at her and that she needs to talk to them to see that for herself, but she builds negative images in her mind of what other's think.

It hurts me to see her hurting and scared right now. I know that these outbursts towards me are because I am the only one that she will vent like that too. It is hard to listen to all of the negativity, but I am willing to keep doing it if it will help her come to terms. My concern is that these outbursts aren't helping her and are just further justifying her anger towards our situation right now and her decision to leave.

I will keep at it! Gym 7:30-10:30 tonight!