I have been asked this question by h many times...."are you happier now than you were a year ago?"
part of me says yes...
why wouldn't I be happier..I no longer have to deal with the anxiety over the "what will become of me and my kids" there was never a question of "how will I survive without h" my threads are scattered with statements like "he's not really taking much away from me anyway" or "there really isn't much to miss as he wasn't really "here" anyway"...but yes I am happier in that at least my "family" is whole...I don't have to ponder...gee what if I meet someone...how will that effect the kids..who will "get" the kids for this or that holiday...what about vacations etc.
but am I truly happier than I was before????
I try to answer this question to myself and I'm not sure I can answer it...
if none of this (ow, seperation) had happend..would I be happy with the way things are now? would I be able to say..."that's just the way m is" is it this r that makes me dissatisfied or is it this r compounded with the fact that h did lie, did abandon me etc that make me look at the current state of my r through mud colored glasses?
some days I feel good about things..as if "sure I can be happy with this m" and then there are days that I feel like taking him back was a royal mistake.
LL's at a loss....I don't know how I feel about h anymore...don't know if I like him let alone love him...and that scares me..what if I'm just pretending and now know that h is just pretending as well...
just feeling blah about my m latley...as is typical...there is no consitancy with h...all seems to be an attempt to win back my good graces only to then retreat back to his sleep or his watching sports or chatting with buddie. a never ending cycle that is wearing my patience thin.
my old thread was locked out...there are some interesting points made there that I will bring here when I have more time.
I know that there are some days I feel very much like you. DID I make the right decision with fighting for this m. Why this and why that. Then other days things are great and I feel really happy. I think m is a lot this way it has its ups and downs. Some days I think to myself do I really love my W. Then I remeber that love is a choice and the only way that I can get those feelings back is doing the things that helped create them in the first place. Maybe try doing those things and your feelings will come back and you wont have to question them very often.
Quote: Then I remeber that love is a choice and the only way that I can get those feelings back is doing the things that helped create them in the first place. Maybe try doing those things and your feelings will come back and you wont have to question them very often.
but to me the "doing those things that bring about the feelings" part isn't happening...no matter how many times I try to "ask for what I want" no matter how direct or evasive I am about it...it just doesn't seem to happen....
it will be almost a year from the time that h said "I think I'm confused" and then proceeded to start spending time with me working toward comming home...during that time I asked that we do something once a week...or more specifically that he ask me to go out somewhere anywhere...that never happend...so since then I've reduced my request to something like...can we set asside one night a week that is for "us"...we don't have to leave the house..we can just get the kids to bed on time and play cards or darts or rent a movie or something....his response to that request..."I don't want to commit to something like that..because what happens if I can't" in other words..what if he runs late at work or if something comes up...to me that's a sad sad exuse and leaves him doing nothing instead letting weeks go by...me never knowing if tonight he will choose to go watch football or something by himself or if he will grace me with his presence somewhere else in the house.
I'm tired of making suggestions... I'm tired of making requests... I'm tired of being told to have patience...and things just never seeming to happen. I'm tired of feeling like things are not much different than they were...and we know where that lead.
my browser is playing games with me so bringing over the posts from sage, jethro and shiny from the locked thread to here aren't doable right now.
wanted to note today...
today I was just feeling crappy about my sit.... dd handed me the phone at 8am and said "hi daddy" (she's 2) so I dialed the # to let her say "hi daddy", then son (4) spoke to daddy...then of course I said hello to daddy, (I very rarely if at all call him) he had to get back to whatever he was doing and said he'd be in touch... it was a rainy crappy day and I'll admit I wondered what he was doing. He had an appointment sched for 6pm...
it got to be 4 and I still hadn't heard from him...the kids were restless and I was annoyed so I packed them up and decided to go to the book store and pick up the book for this months book club...then to toysrus for a new booster seat for dd, then thought maybe I'll take the kids out to dinner. My cell phone never rang. It was 6:30 by the time I got home. There were 4 messages from h wondering where we were...(why doesn't he just call my damn cell phone?) though someone did call shortly after six...a private number....no one was there???
h arrived home at about 7:30..dd was already in bed and son soon to go as he has his first official day of pre-school in the am. h was hungry (ok that's a good sign, can put thoughts that he was going out to dinner with ow out of my mind) so I made him an eggplant parm sub, wich sat on the counter while he looked up either the weather or football stuff. I then took son to shower and off to bed. H came up to read a story but I had already started. H asked me if I wanted to watch football....sorry folks I declined and read my book instead...he'll have to come up with a better crumb than wanna watch some football. h is now asleep on the couch. he has fallen asleep on the couch a lot lately....just shades of the past.
things bothering me.... h's waivering...inconsistancy. h falling asleep on the couch with seeming regularity. ow is still a customer. ow's house is no longer on ismh.com and it never showed up as sold nor does it show up any place else. I was left under the impression that she was only going to stay a customer til the house sold...if the house is not selling should she not be dropped...even if it means the two other houses on the street go too?
LL - Just a curiousity question here for my benefit...
Would you say that how your day goes has a direct impact on how you feel about your relationship with your H, or would you say that how you feel about your relationship with your H has an impact on how your day goes?
Maybe neither? Maybe both?
Again, just curious. Just me always wanting to learn more about relationships.
JJ
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LL, when was the last time you sat your H down and made the request for a night out once a week?
I somehow get the sense that you just might get a different response if you tell him that his "answer" (what is this "can't commit" bullsh!t?) is unacceptable?
It sounds to me like your H "gets his way" a whole lot in terms of how he spends his time. I THINK in part you've put up with this in the past because, perhaps, of the earning inequity in your M. "He" works hard to keep the roof over your head...he gets to call the shots.
I wonder if part of your H's current pattern of approach/withdrawal might be in RESPONSE to how he feels YOU are feeling about the M?
What could you do DIFFERENTLY in bringing up this vital need this time? Perhaps offer flexibility? (Hard with kids, granted)...so that if the "planned night" is bumped for LEGITIMATE reasons (what might those be?...certainly not a "better offer" from buddy or watching sports!)...there can be a fallback plan...a "let's do it tomorrow for sure".
I get the strong sense that you feel he puts a lot of things ahead of your needs. I too would be irrate to say the least if my H couldn't bend his schedule (in the business HE owns!!!) to accommodate watching the kids while I went to school!
There NEEDS to be more equity here. I'm sure he rationalizes it by pointing out that his working hours are what pay for everything....that's a copout. As you said, while you were Separated he MADE time on a regular basis.
But I wonder if NOW he might be more receptive to a slightly different approach?
If he "can't commit" to a night set aside for the two of you (in or out of the house) then how about putting your foot down and saying that then YOU would like an evening every week to do whatever YOU would like!!
Please tell me he's not the type who would consider this having to "babysit" his own kids!
And as for OW...she's a ghost...if her house is going to be sold, how much longer is there yard work to do?
Oh wait, that's right I'M the Canadian with only a couple of months before the snow flies!
Quoting Jamesjohn: LL - Just a curiousity question here for my benefit...
Would you say that how your day goes has a direct impact on how you feel about your relationship with your H, or would you say that how you feel about your relationship with your H has an impact on how your day goes?
Maybe neither? Maybe both?
Again, just curious. Just me always wanting to learn more about relationships.
I'd have to say maybe both....
I know that there are some days when things seem a bit brighter as a result of a pleasant evening spent with h the night before...or I'm in a better mood because h has called often during the day or heck just early.
there are some days when I am in a bad mood...the kids are acting up and I start thinking it's all h's fault...if he were doing more for the r and not just for the house I'd be in a better mood and the kids wouldn't act up so much or I'd have more patience.
but then there are also days when it doesn't have to be h...if a friend calls...or comes to visit...or I have plans with friends...or I come here and find a few posts on my thread...
thing is I'm lonely....I'm home all day alone with two kids...don't get many calls and don't call many people cause they're at work...neighbors houses are not within earshot and they tend to stay inside anyway...at night I look forward to h comming home...an adult to spend some time with...some interaction...h sometimes gives it...but sometimes hides in his own world...before all this I would comment...I would seek him out...now I just leave him alone...heck when he falls asleep on the couch now I just leave him there.
Quoting shinybear: LL, when was the last time you sat your H down and made the request for a night out once a week? I'm pretty sure it was last week!
I somehow get the sense that you just might get a different response if you tell him that his "answer" (what is this "can't commit" bullsh!t?) is unacceptable? I've told him several times that it's bogus
It sounds to me like your H "gets his way" a whole lot in terms of how he spends his time. YUP! always has, but I'm sure he would beg to differ I THINK in part you've put up with this in the past because, perhaps, of the earning inequity in your M. "He" works hard to keep the roof over your head...he gets to call the shots. actually it's been that way since long long long before we were married...when we spent time together was always up to him..and I always hated it. I wonder if part of your H's current pattern of approach/withdrawal might be in RESPONSE to how he feels YOU are feeling about the M? well if he wants me to feel poorly or unsure about the m then his pattern is doing a good job
What could you do DIFFERENTLY in bringing up this vital need this time? Perhaps offer flexibility? (Hard with kids, granted)...so that if the "planned night" is bumped for LEGITIMATE reasons (what might those be?...certainly not a "better offer" from buddy or watching sports!)...there can be a fallback plan...a "let's do it tomorrow for sure". has been stated that way already. I get the strong sense that you feel he puts a lot of things ahead of your needs. Ya Think! I too would be irrate to say the least if my H couldn't bend his schedule (in the business HE owns!!!) to accommodate watching the kids while I went to school! well what can I do about it? and if I were to comment on it he would pull a typical guy move and say...I changed my appointment wed to thurs so you could go to your meeting didn't I?? There NEEDS to be more equity here. I'm sure he rationalizes it by pointing out that his working hours are what pay for everything....that's a copout. As you said, while you were Separated he MADE time on a regular basis.
and his response to this is...last year was a slower year....this year is just busy...all the refinancing and people wanting extra work. But I wonder if NOW he might be more receptive to a slightly different approach?
If he "can't commit" to a night set aside for the two of you (in or out of the house) then how about putting your foot down and saying that then YOU would like an evening every week to do whatever YOU would like!! thing is shiny...once he gets home (or heck I could have a sitter here and leave) I CAN go and do what I want every night of the week, and he would say so.
Please tell me he's not the type who would consider this having to "babysit" his own kids! I don't think so anymore...the seperation did teach him a few things...
And as for OW...she's a ghost...if her house is going to be sold, how much longer is there yard work to do? she is a snow plow customer as well...and I am not certain the house is for sale anymore
Oh wait, that's right I'M the Canadian with only a couple of months before the snow flies!
Sorry hon!
Shiny
LL who gets the idea that shiny doesn't like my h very much...and I must say I don't blame her...I wonder if I'm painting the true pic or just the one I see with my muddy glasses??? I do tell you all the good stuff he does right???
Quote: thing is I'm lonely....I'm home all day alone with two kids...don't get many calls and don't call many people cause they're at work...neighbors houses are not within earshot and they tend to stay inside anyway...at night I look forward to h comming home...an adult to spend some time with...some interaction...h sometimes gives it...but sometimes hides in his own world...before all this I would comment...I would seek him out...now I just leave him alone...heck when he falls asleep on the couch now I just leave him there.
oh gosh, i could have written these words. altho i have three kids (two in school) one is still home and sometimes i have felt so trapped. and couple that with the fact that for almost 11 months we were operating with just one car and i felt like a caged animal.
i have in the last three weeks called some friends and have had lunch with them. lunch, just once a week. 5 dollars at a buffett - these friends don't have children, but they HAD them and know what it's like so they don't mind me bringing my little one along.
ll, i think you really need some adult stimulation besides your husband.
do you know what feels good? being able to talk about something DIFFERENT about my day instead of the same old, well, i did the laundry, i washed the dishes, i made the beds, i mopped the floor. i can now talk about INTERESTING things. HA!!!
is there a chance you can get out more? forgive me if this has been brought up before, i am relatively new, and altho i have read your sitch since i started here, i still don't know your whole story
Quote: What if it all goes horribly wrong? What if your astrologer’s optimism proves misplaced? What if the voice of doom and gloom turns out to be right and real? After all, bad things do happen in this world from time to time, don’t they? Pessimism is a bit like quicksand. You take one step too many in that direction and you end up getting sucked in so fast, you just can’t get out! Negativity is a bit like a single cell amoeba. It hardly needs any help at all to breed like billy-oh. I have already told you that everything is going to be fine. I suggest you believe me.
kewkitti,
as far as getting out??? well I can go out with the kids...there are some moms I know in town that I can meet up with too..but they tend to get busy droping kids off at this class or that class or food shopping or cleaning the floor etc. I did start a book club during the seperation last summer...took a bit of time off from it with my emt class. I may go down (I live about 40 miles north of the area I grew up in) and visit some friends tonight...thing is when I don't also have some interaction with h I start to feel resentful. Sure I can make plans with friends or go scrapbooking or all the other grand things that women do to keep busy, but if that is what my life becomes with h still not making a night for me then what's the point really?
