Another thing to remember is that it's easy to manipulate people, you are currently being manipulated to participate in a life that isn't by your design or desire.
Make a clear decision on the kind of life you want to live which probably doesn't include suffering or punishment and you will then be able to know if you want to learn more about this.
another little tidbit that should be common knowledge to all men but when our marriages start to fail, we change from the people were to frightened, powerless children that will do anything to save what we have.
Women have no respect for men who are afraid of them, and truth be told, women may end up being quite cruel to men who do.
In your quest to perform relationship cpr you are exhibiting to your wife that her behavior is ok ("take as much space & time as you need to find yourself and sort things out") and that you are afraid to lose her. Once she realized that you were afraid to lose her and that you loved her more than you loved & respected yourself, she lost respect for you and was repelled by you.
Do you remember self-respect, self-love, self-esteem?
Do you have children? Do you want them to go through this when they are old enough to have relationships? The only way they will ever know how to be strong is for you to show them that you are strong and it can't be fake, it has to be real.
You want your wives to respect you? Show them that you respect yourselves - you currently aren't doing much to show that now.
robx i was looking forward all day at work today to your posts, your wisdom and experiance is amazing, everything you have said is TRUE and your one shrewd guy.
robx i was looking forward all day at work today to your posts, your wisdom and experiance is amazing, everything you have said is TRUE and your one shrewd guy.
Your wives have gotten used to the idea that ending their marriages & getting divorces is their decision to make - they have this idea because you have given them this power indirectly, you continuously tell them through body language and indirect discussion that it's ok for you to be doing what you're doing to me. [/quote] this is so true robx, how do we do it indirectly?
something else i would like to share i told her today that i will be paying the first months rent on her new property, dont know if that was right or wrong but i feel i owe it to my kids, they need a home to. now i will buy some basic essentials but that is it nothing more, so my question is what now what do i do to try and turn this around in my favour, make her feel she hasn't got me there for emotional support. at the moment she has me exactly were she wants me, i just dont know how to deal with it, robx i thank you very much and you have shown me something here and i wont forget it, please keep posting robx,
All because you have let go of any power you have, you have allowed this to be her decision and not yours and she will do whatever she wants to do now because you are letting her.
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robx could you ellaborate on this please? thank you just one more thing i would like to also ask is ive heard so many people say if you show your wife you are looking for someone new they will divorce you in an instance and that will ruin any good work you have put in to try and rebuild.
i also want to share this, when she left she took a few clothes, the for 2 weeks she kept phoning and texting for all her personal things.. so i plucked up the courage and packed all her stuff and dropped them off, it tore me into. but guess what she managed to blame me for that by telling her sister that i got over the break up really fast beacuse all her stuff was there when she arrived home from work... how the hell can that be?
she has also said to me today she might be going with the girls for a weekend away for her birthday on 25 may, and can i take her passport up to her. and she said i told my mum and said would it be cheeky asking me to pay for her as a present, SHE HAS SOME FACE THAT WOMAN, guess what no i wont be paying, period........
Rob is just fine Beno, you can drop the "X" LOL! How do you do it indirectly? I'm almost amazed that you can't see it yourself but I also remember being in the same position and I was clueless also (and afraid). You do it indirectly by tolerating her behavior, you do it because you are afraid to lose her, it's possible at one point you were secure in your relationship but now I'm pretty sure you aren't secure at all, you are insecure and this feeling inside you just grows everyday. Your body language, supplicating her, giving her what she wants, etc.
something else i would like to share i told her today that i will be paying the first months rent on her new property, dont know if that was right or wrong but i feel i owe it to my kids, they need a home to. now i will buy some basic essentials but that is it nothing more, so my question is what now what do i do to try and turn this around in my favour, make her feel she hasn't got me there for emotional support. at the moment she has me exactly were she wants me, i just dont know how to deal with it, robx i thank you very much and you have shown me something here and i wont forget it, please keep posting robx,
Well you don't pay rent that's for sure.
If a drug addict asked you to buy drugs for them because they didn't have money, would you do it because you felt you owed it to them because they were family & you loved them?!
Do you love yourself?!
Where are the kids going? They can live with you, if your wife wants to move out, let her. But she needs to do this on her own, if she can't even take care of first month's rent, how will she be able to support herself & the kids at this new apartment afterwards?
You feel bad? No you feel guilty. You feel guilt because your wife is leaving you and you automatically assume it's because you weren't good enough and you need to stop feeling like that, she isn't leaving because of that (although she may try to make you feel that).
1. You will not lose your kids, so don't be afraid of losing your family. If you've demonstrated being a loving, caring, competent parent up until this point, you will petition for full or joint custody and you will get it, don't let anyone tell you different. If you remain silent and take what is given to you, that is just the same as you saying it's ok for this to happen. So stop this right now.
2. You don't need to support your wife during this time. If she is moving out on her own, it's her own decision and unless she finds some way to petition the courts for some type of marital support, she won't get a penny from you. Be a man, stick to your guns, be firm & strong without being mean.
All because you have let go of any power you have, you have allowed this to be her decision and not yours and she will do whatever she wants to do now because you are letting her.
robx could you ellaborate on this please? thank you just one more thing i would like to also ask is ive heard so many people say if you show your wife you are looking for someone new they will divorce you in an instance and that will ruin any good work you have put in to try and rebuild.
i also want to share this, when she left she took a few clothes, the for 2 weeks she kept phoning and texting for all her personal things.. so i plucked up the courage and packed all her stuff and dropped them off, it tore me into. but guess what she managed to blame me for that by telling her sister that i got over the break up really fast beacuse all her stuff was there when she arrived home from work... how the hell can that be?
she has also said to me today she might be going with the girls for a weekend away for her birthday on 25 may, and can i take her passport up to her. and she said i told my mum and said would it be cheeky asking me to pay for her as a present, SHE HAS SOME FACE THAT WOMAN, guess what no i wont be paying, period........
cheers guys i will post later so much more to say
Do you start to see the pattern that is emerging? You do what she asks but you get in trouble for it. Everything you do from now on because you are acting much less than man should act like is making her see that you are pathetic & weak. This needs to change right now.
What didn't you understand about letting go of your power as a man and letting her make this decision?
The both of you entered the previous relationship model (marriage, kids, committment) by mutual consent: you didn't force her, she didn't force you - you did it together because you loved each other and wanted to spend your lives together.
She now has created a new relationship model: she is leaving you, separating (remember separation is like cancer to a marriage, it is a definite prelude to divorce) from you, wanting her own place (why does she want her own place? is it to be away from you & "find herself" or is it to be with other men and have sexual relationships and pursue the new feelings of excitement & infatuation, not love). She created this relationship model on her own and didn't ask your consent.
The relationship model she has created doesn't want to eliminate you entirely. You are the security blanket, the given, the status quo, you won't change. She knows you love her, she knows your devoted, and she knows you will stay where you are hoping that she'll come back to you and love you again. You see if she really wanted to leave you & your marriage, she would have filed for separation or divorce immediately.
But she wants her exciting new life & new affair(s) but if they don't work out, it's nice to know she has something to fall back on if she ever decides that her fantasy life isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
Do you see it? I hope I'm explaining this clearly enough.
And not only does she not want to include you in her life, she wants you to pay for her new life, her escapades into affairs with other men, etc.
Please if you listen to one thing I say, DO NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING!
Stop doing things she asks for. Be polite or better yet, be civil & indifferent - don't show any emotion, just say NO.
She is realizing the power she has over you, and she is enjoying this power, they say that power corrupts and to some degree it does. I won't fault her entirely, she has alot of different feelings & her hormones are changing the way she acts, she has more testosterone flowing in her now than in her 20s, she is becoming more aggressive, louder, and she definitely has urges to be sexual with other men.
Stop doing things for her, the more you do, the more she will disrespect you for it.
I went through a hell that lasted several months and I couldn't realize that the more I did for her, the more of a slave I became, I couldn't do enough and the more I did, the more pathetic I was in her eyes. There were days sprinkled infrequently in between months of agony & pain where she normally acted horribly to me, those infrequent days she acted normally & appeared "nice". I'm not sure if she was actually being nice and giving me a break because sometimes she could see how much my spirit was breaking (she could see it all the time, it was evident, I literally began to walk on eggshells around her and jumped whenever she asked for anything and did everything she barked at me to do).
Don't go through what I went through, it starts off small but snowballs into something tremendously huge & ugly.
I personally kept thinking maybe if she sees how much I love her because I will do everything she asks and that will make her happy.... and that NEVER works. If you want to save yourself some pain (and literally who doesn't), respect yourself and listen to me. You can either benefit from the wisdom that I had to learn the hard way, or you can do what most do and follow your own logic and and experience exactly what I went through.
