I know that men are not robots but, at least in my case, my H's ability to "feel emotion" is sorely stunted. His family does not express emotion, EVER! No I love you's, no hugs, never express displeasure with someone. Not to mention, his #2 need (as identified by him) is sex. And the fact that he can explain away sex with OW1 as nothing special. Just getting himself off. That it doesn't mean that much. Just sex. Of course, if you read their texts and emails, you'd think differently.
I've done a lot of reading. I haven't gotten back to Bagerra's list yet, as we had this bump in the road when I first started in the SSM forum. I just last week, found the Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts while getting my hair done. I am reading it now.
"1) You want to be chosen, you want to be pursued, you want to be taken. Right? Have you communicated this to your H? Does he understand that in order for you to heat up, you need him to pursue you in AND OUT of the bedroom, consistently, throughout each day?" - Yes I want this and no I've not communicated it to him. I'm still trying to get him to open up about anything. And, to be completely honest, I don't want to be that vulnerable with him right now. I have too much fear. So I guess I am creating my own problems but I don't know how to move past the fear.
"2) Can you think of instances in which you two communicate the best? When it seems that you are in harmony and "clicking"? Perhaps those scenarios can be leveraged to segue into a discussion about communication, connection, and passion." - Not really. Sad, I know. I guess we just don't know each other that well. And I will say this, its not for a lack of trying on my part. He just can't open up (at least to me).
Example: We are reading a book called Love and Respect as directed by his IC. I am learning that men need Respect like women need Love. I also know that H's #1 need is to NOT be DISRESPECTED (I know, double negative, but that is how he phrases it). Now, this is NOT new to me. He told me this back before he left me, when we were giving it 6 months. For me, I am at a loss as to what that looks like, outside of sarcasm and nasty looks on my face, which I am famous for. I have asked him over and over and over again, HOW CAN I RESPECT YOU. I asked him again 2 nights ago. He says he will think on it and when we have our weekly "Power Talk" per MC, we will discuss it.
Now, if he can't tell me what it is, how can I change it? I tell him this and he understands but I still have not answer as to what RESPECT looks like to him.
This is how our conversations go. I want to know something personal about him, he doesn't want to talk about it or shelves it. So, you might be able to see how a conversation about sex might go.
