German wife still foggy

[PortlandDad]

Thanks guys,

As I mentioned, I am keeping my expectations extremely low here; I've been severely disappointed in the past when she's made overtures and said positive things before. Also, she is still within earshot (I believe) of the OM, who has a proven track record of squelching any inroads that I make with her: what takes me an hour and a half in a heart-to-heart with her to accomplish can be erased in 15 minutes when she talks to him.

Just remember to keep the door open warmly and not to be too judgemental. She needs to feel like its safe to come back home.

This came up in our long discussion. We both agreed that it is the present and future that ultimately matter and not the past. We have both done things in the past that we are not proud of, so it is in both of our interests to just focus on the here and now and future. I won't say that it will be easy, but it is possible.

As far as the kids are concerned, they do know. My S17 was in the room when the W called on the webcam and he wouldn't leave. Since the initial discussion focused on him and her disregard for telling me about their discussion, I thought that it might be OK for him to hear it. When things calmed down and the R talk started, he did hear all that, too. Of course, what one knows, they all know, so it wasn't long before there were a lot of smiles here.

I told them that we've been here before, so we ALL need to have a healthy dose of skepticism until we actually meet her at the airport, and then, as KK says, we still have a long road ahead.

Have you read any threads over in piecing? Once you get to that stage, it really requires both people working on the marriage.

I haven't started reading any threads over there yet. To be honest, I never really thought I would ever get to that point, so it seemed like a poor investment of time. I still don't know that it makes sense yet, but once I have some concrete proof of my Ws plans (like news that she's sold her car, or shipped her household goods, or an arrival date), then I will definitely start reading there in earnest.

I wasn't aware about the Retrouvaille weekend program here in Oregon. One of the things we did talk about, and that I was adamant about, was that we must get some MC when she comes back, and she agreed. Maybe the Retro program would be a good start methinks. Thanks for the idea KK!

For now, I'm just backing off and not contacting her and seeing what she does post-breakthrough. The MIL heard almost the entire convo (she was on the housephone while the W and I were on the webcam), and she told me she would be in contact with the W closely and would let me know what is up. I think she is more enthused about this than I am atm. I will reserve my energy for the homecoming!