I was working out in front of the mirror the other day without a shirt on (please don't think this was a vanity thing). I had some music playing that was quite loud, I was singing along doing the weights when all of a sudden my wife came walking in and said something like "look at you working out in front of the mirror, music blaring out, anybody would thing you were a teenager or batchelor the way you're acting". It was all said in a demeaning way but it is the first thing she has said about ME in ages. I have definately changed my body shape and am looking pretty good, she has never said anything but she must know as friends of mine have noticed but she refuses to acknowledge it which actually makes me smile. Yesterday, the D papers turned up and she asked me to look at them, so things are heading down the D road at the moment. I was just sort of thankful for a small victory in a very painful road.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Nice. In other words, "look at you behaving like you're an actual human being and not the loser I've had to create in my mind to justify my actions -- what are you trying to do, complicate things?"
look at you working out in front of the mirror, music blaring out, anybody would thing you were a teenager or batchelor the way you're acting
Mark, this is great. Shows her confusion. If she divorces you, what else will you be other than a batchelor?! I wonder how well she would handle that. Not saying you should act on it... just interesting eh.
Yes it is interesting as when I think about that moment it was probably the first time I wasn't actually doing something for her, I actually felt really good doing something for myself for a change. The interest then came from her when I wasn't even trying.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I need some advice/strategy on being seperated. I seperated this week from my WAW who has filed for divorce - the nisi follows in six weeks. She wants this divorce to be completed as quickly as possible, she says to start a new life with the children. I have my doubts as she has lost tons of weight, bought new clothes, absolutely no physicalicality between us, is still angry with me and has she has now detached from ME. I have not found any proof since December 08 of OP or whether she is in an EA/PA, I do not know if she is in MLC mode or as Michelle has said she may be one WAW who just wants out of our marriage because she is unhappy. I do know that anything I do try will go out of the window if there is a OP involved as she has noticed consistent and lasting changes in me, has not mentioned them other than saying "why didn't you do this when it mattered?". The 'changes' needle would go straight back to zero if/when she sees this OP. As I have said I have not found any proof she is in any kind of relationship, but from the great advice I have received on Newcomers I must forget that and concentrate on myself via GAL, PMA etc and building the best relationship with my children.
One strategy from a DB coach was to be as happy as possible when I see her, play with the children, laugh, look as though you have moved on with your life. I cannot go dark as neglect and no communication are a couple of the 'reasons' cited on the divorce papers. I need to have a roadmap to work to in the hope I can reconcile 'It takes one to tango' is something I have read in DR.
Please could someone assist me in planning/advising on what is the best way forward as I do not want to leave any stone unturned in trying to restore my marriage.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My wife and children are house-sitting for a few days which gives us the space my W wants. Last night I discussed the financial arrangement with my friend whose house I am going to for 3 months. This morning I was confused as to whether I should ring her and let her know the outcome of the meeting last night and find out how the Easter egg hunt went yesterday for the children.
On one hand if I rang it would look like I am persuing, on the other hand it could look like more of the same from me in that I just do my own thing and do not care (neglect). As it turned out she rang me this morning and said "I thought you would have rung to find out how the hunt went yesterday". I told her I was going to ring but was busy, I don't know if this was the right strategy and response but that is what I said. She also accused me of asking her friend a hundred questions about whether her friend was staying with her on Friday when my W wanted me to take the children home. I was suspicious as to why she wanted me to take the children home for the last night before she comes home on Saturday. I wanted to know if her friend was actually going to stay with her or was it just a ruse to get me to take the children home so that she had the house to herself. I have definately backslid because I have persued and I am kicking myself for it.
We had a heated discussion about the finance, so again, I feel we are just not making any progress. She also asked me if I had signed the divorce papers yet and I said no. When she asked why I said "I don't want this divorce", but before I could validate her reason for it she put the phone down on me. I rang her back after 30 minutes to ask her if she put the phone down which she confirmed. We talked for a while about money, I then spoke to the children which was hard as it's only been a day but I hate not being with them. We then exchanged two texts and I told her not to worry about the money. Her response said 'OK x'.
I feel pretty low at this point especially without a job and the pressure of my situation. Did I handle the above correctly or not?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
What do you think? Can you see any ways in which you could have handled it differently or any ways in which you could react differently next time? Is there anthing you can see that you could put into place to dispell her negative feelings about you?
I'm looking for advice and feedback on what happened and how I should have played it. Interestingly, she texted me an hour ago to ask me what food I wanted for when I move into my friends house. I told her I would sort this out myself, but I am not sure whether this is a degree of guilt on her part, or is it she still cares about me? Am I looking too deeply into her actions?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, it is better if you can identify what you are doing that isn't working, that way you can look at how to do things differently in the future. You already started...
You have had loads of good advice from seasoned DBsters and spoken to a DB coach. I am not sure what your approach is? There is no point in repeating old behaviour and then analysing what went wrong afterwards. You need to start implementing things.
