"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

[theotherhalf]

I don't get it, again and of course!...

STBX wanted this D. There was no changing his mind no matter how hard I tried. We've been at this 2 years Apr.19. Now that I have filed for D he is madder then h*ll!

I served him the petition Mon. night. He immediately got defensive and throwing out threats. I did not fight with him and left. He called. More threats. One minute he is being nasty and cruel the next he's trying to be nice. Talked to him yesterday morning he was even more cruel. Something he said to me turned my blood cold. I couldn't believe it.

I got home from work last night and he came. I knew the minute he came in the door he was looking for a fight. The girls were here but it didn't matter to him. Luckily D17 took D15 and they left. He is mad, he's hurt, he's spinning. He threatened, he said cruel things, it's all my fault, he's moving home, I get nothing I don't deserve it, I can have it all. He asked why I couldn't have just lived here in the house and he continue to farm and we get along. I said I can't. That it's not enought. And that is why I filed because he thinks so little of me. I told him to leave. He wouldn't, said he doesn't have to. I cried but tried not to engage in the argument. I validated. I did say at one point if he wanted to be angry at someone and point fingers, call 3031(OW's number). He asked if there was someone else. I said no and if there was it was none of his business. He said I always said there would never be anyone else. I told him I had a right to be happy and treated right. He said he had his brother come and get his guns from his house. I called BIL as soon as he left and he had not heard from him. He finally left.

A couple hours later he called. He had been crying. He said he never wanted to hurt me and yet he keeps doing it. He said he was sorry. To tell the girls he was sorry and that he loves them. I asked him if he was okay and thank you.

I am scared. Come the weekend, what happens when you add alcohol to this madness? I hurt for him and what should have been. I am hurt because even after all that has happened he can't be desent and tell me he is sorry and wish me happiness. He has to keep on hurting me, why?

There is all this going on and so many emotions going on with it. And then there is B and the prospect of all the good. On one hand I am sad and scared. On the other I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Wow!