My personal view...no relationship should be started until the divorce is final. THAT is fair to all parties involved. But that is only my opinion...and I realize many here dont see it the same way.
You have come so far... maybe it might be time for you to get to know yourself a little better just for a little while......
Sending hugs
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thank you all for your concern and very valued opinions. I know that what you are all telling me is very true. B and I have discussed this alot and I do have my own concerns about this too. More than anything I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to get hurt again either.
The last two years H was there in the wings. But I was really here alone. I have had nothing but time. I have went over, under and through the grief of losing him, my family, my dreams, and my marriage. I have wrestled very hard trying to figure out who TOH really is and what she wanted out of life. I've known for a long time that it was time for a D I just could not face it. I sat down with my journel and I wrote down all the pros and cons of "waiting" for my H. There was no contest.
Last night I told B that in no way shape or form do I want him going thru this with me. For one he went through a bad hurtful D and was hurt greatly. I don't want to bring that all up for him. I also voiced my concerns of starting a R with all this crap going on. I told him that it would be best for both of us if we put this on hold until after things are settled. "NO WAY" he says. So I don't know if I could get rid of him if I tried :).
I know exactly who I am, what I believe in, and what I want out of life. There is no doubt (today) in my mind that my marriage is over. I am 100% sure that I do not ever want to go back to living the life I've led. H disrespected me physically and mentally from the word go. He never told me I looked pretty. H belittled me every chance he got. I was always second in line to his family and his beer, his work and the farm. We never communicated like a couple should. I walked on eggshells on a regular basis. It's such a long story...and it really doesn't matter anymore. I know in my heart and in my head that a life with him is not what I want or deserve anymore. Like Snodderly said, it's time for TOH to fly. My H worked his a*s off to provide for me and D17. He gave me everything material that I needed and some of what I wanted. He made my childhood dreams of being a farmers wife come true. But alot of hurt came with those dreams. He made it possible for me to stay home and raise my D and give her a life that was so important to me. For all those things I will be forever greatful. I will cherish the "good" and there was many. But I will never go back.
I have to be honest. IF there was a miracle and my H could somehow find it in himself to learn to love me like I've done him. If he could learn to communicate. If he could somehow work through his nightmares and put away his demons. If he could respect me and not hurt me. If...If...If...I won't happen. I deserve sooo much more.
I in no way wanted to get into a R with another man. At least not now. I do know that I absolutely do not want to go thru this life alone. There are so many women out there that like the single life. I am definately not one of them. Life seems so pointless to me if you don't have someone to share it with. Sorry, just me. Your right, B has given me strength. He has brought me sunshine in a pretty dark world. But in no way has he influenced me at all to file for this divorce. And we did not start this thing until the decision to do so was already made. I have thought long and hard about what I would do, how I would feel if H came to me crying and got down on his knees and begged me to wait. It would not matter. It's over. I would not have filed if there was ANY doubt in my mind. I owed that to myself and to my D17.
B and I are still just friends at this point. We are taking this slow and easy. We've both put it out there all the things that are important to us. What we will and will not live with. We communicate like I didn't think was possible. I am a smart lady and men are men. If I had not known B for 11 years I would think that he was way to good to be true. Someone said what I "think" is respect. You have no idea! He is open and honest with me. He tells me all of the time how good, special, pretty I am. He treats me like I'm this little bird. He doesn't say or do anything without thoughts of how I'll feel. He's never even approached me in a physical way. He is never mean or selfish. Don't think he'd know how. As I've said, I don't know where this is headed. And I hate it that all of the old is clouding the new. But life is good and I'm happier than I have EVER been in my life. THIS is what life is supposed to be like! And I'm cherishing EVERY moment.
I love you all! TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
STBX wanted this D. There was no changing his mind no matter how hard I tried. We've been at this 2 years Apr.19. Now that I have filed for D he is madder then h*ll!
I served him the petition Mon. night. He immediately got defensive and throwing out threats. I did not fight with him and left. He called. More threats. One minute he is being nasty and cruel the next he's trying to be nice. Talked to him yesterday morning he was even more cruel. Something he said to me turned my blood cold. I couldn't believe it.
I got home from work last night and he came. I knew the minute he came in the door he was looking for a fight. The girls were here but it didn't matter to him. Luckily D17 took D15 and they left. He is mad, he's hurt, he's spinning. He threatened, he said cruel things, it's all my fault, he's moving home, I get nothing I don't deserve it, I can have it all. He asked why I couldn't have just lived here in the house and he continue to farm and we get along. I said I can't. That it's not enought. And that is why I filed because he thinks so little of me. I told him to leave. He wouldn't, said he doesn't have to. I cried but tried not to engage in the argument. I validated. I did say at one point if he wanted to be angry at someone and point fingers, call 3031(OW's number). He asked if there was someone else. I said no and if there was it was none of his business. He said I always said there would never be anyone else. I told him I had a right to be happy and treated right. He said he had his brother come and get his guns from his house. I called BIL as soon as he left and he had not heard from him. He finally left.
A couple hours later he called. He had been crying. He said he never wanted to hurt me and yet he keeps doing it. He said he was sorry. To tell the girls he was sorry and that he loves them. I asked him if he was okay and thank you.
I am scared. Come the weekend, what happens when you add alcohol to this madness? I hurt for him and what should have been. I am hurt because even after all that has happened he can't be desent and tell me he is sorry and wish me happiness. He has to keep on hurting me, why?
There is all this going on and so many emotions going on with it. And then there is B and the prospect of all the good. On one hand I am sad and scared. On the other I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Wow!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, I am sorry your h behaved like this-yes after all they do you would think they would be relieved if not glad. The problem I guess is that you have taken back control of your life. They really don't like that. Can you leave the farm for the week end, might be difficult I know with the animals, howabout have someone come to stay. I really think you and the girls shouldn't be left alone right now. As you say adding drink to the mix is going to make him more volatile. Do take care and be sensible.
TOH , you didn't say what you meant by him threatening you. Please explain further. Is he threatening physical harm to you, to the property, etc. ?????
You can't predict what he is going to do next. Do as Naej suggested and not stay there alone this weekend.
I would also suggest that you write down everything that was said at this confrontation and relay it to your attorney. It may come to the point that a restraining order may have to be put out. I hope it doesn't come to that, but your safety and well-being, and that of the kids is the most important thing at this time.
He wanted things his way...had it all planned out...and then you took your life back. As Naej said...it's about control at this point. And he will try to control you again, so please be cautious when dealing with him.
Please take care of yourself, and plan on how you will react if he starts to stalk you (or has someone else do it).
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Hey TOH, I'm not sure where you are located, and didn't try to look. Real quick, in our very first set of papers, Original Petition, there is a standing order that goes w/every divorce case in my county. It basically states that neither party can harrass, stalk, threaten, use abusive language, etc. toward the other. Also stuff about removing the kids, entering the home without permission, etc. If this order is broken by either party there can be consequences or a TRO issued. Can you check into this if he does anything else? Do you see something like this in your papers TOH?
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Thanks all, it just makes no sense does it? Anyway I am making plans for me and the girls this weekend. But I am really concerned about leaving my house unattended.
Question? If he was to move his stuff and himself back home is there anything I can do about it? He's been physically not living here since Aug 07.
SC, I am in Iowa and I looked through my papers and there is nothing in there of what you said.
I have an appointment with my L tomorrow so I am going to go over some of this stuff with him.
TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Ann, me neither. My first reaction/thought was that he was pulling at my heart strings. That he might hurt himself. As I've thought about it, maybe he sold them, I don't think he mentioned it to threaten me in anyway, I don't think.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
