It's Complicated! Part 5

[job]

Glam,
It's okay to be civil with the xh, but you do not want to get sucked into his drama. You've got enough on your plate. If you speak to him, you will need to tell him that he needs to work things out for himself and if it's about the relationship w/his son, the same would apply there as well.

Glam, your xh needs to understand...you owe him nothing. Friendship/being civil, doesn't mean you have to take on his boat load of issues either.

Glam, focus on the here and now and your family. Your xh has been out of your life for a very, very long time and he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. Your shoulders are very broad, but you are only going to be able to take care of yourself, children and deal with the fall out of your current h's crisis.

Sending you hugs today.

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

... said he was sorry for putting me through this and being so difficult.

My XH almost said the same thing. He said that it must be very difficult for me to be with him.

I hope for you that your H will finally be able to overcome the depression and find a good job.

Have a good rest of the week and a lovely Easter. (((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Thanks everyone for your insight. I was driving to pick up D5 today and had an overwhelming feeling of I can't take this anymore.

My h on one hand acts like all is good, spends time with us, talks of the future, how he loves me and the kids and then bam goes in hibernation as if we don't exist. It is just such odd behavior for me to comprehend.

In the same token, life is moving ahead fast and furiously and I don't want to be stuck anymore, trying to figure anything out anymore. I feel that my h and his life is just dragging me down. I just can't walk this path anymore.

I wasn't really thinking that I am that available to my h. I was looking at depression as an illness and didn't feel like turning my back was the right thing to do. I will have to put more thought into that. I just try to live my life the best I can, but with the kids it's difficult since I have to pay a sitter to have free time, but maybe it's time to get that going again.

H turned 40 on Sunday. I turn 48 this Friday. H's mom called on Sunday to wish h a happy birthday. H refused the call, just blew his mom off. I really stand in amazement that this is happening. The h I knew wouldn't be so disrespectful to his own mom.

I remember when I met my h, he was so attentive and loving towards his mom. He even said at one point that his mom and dad would come live with us when they were old. Now it's like h hasn't had a convo with them in over a year. I really admired my h and the relationship he had with his family. It was something I didn't have with my own family and was so impressed by the generousity and kindness of his family. Now that closeness is reduced to this. Wow!

I tried calling h today. No answer nor did he call back. Does he not care or really what is it?

[job]

Glam,
You have to understand that it's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't have it in him right now to show any type of emotion, etc. He's in the world of depression. Have you watched the commercials on tv for Cymbalta? The depressed people sit around, do nothing and stare at the walls. They have little or no energy and when they do get up and do things, they are very, very tired and it's an effort to even pick up a spoon. They have no interest in anything around them. Depression hurts not only the person experiencing it, but everyone, including pets that are around them.

Him turning 40 didn't help him feel any better. I can remember when my xh turned 40 and did that date and age do a number on his head. They look at 40 as over the hill and they are old, youth is gone, etc.

I know you are feed up with his behavior, but there's nothing you can do for him. Just let him go, leave him alone and he will eventually touch base w/you again. It sounds like your "expectations" were up again....Glam, knock them down to zero for that is all he has to give now...nada.

Focus on you and your children. You need to continue moving forward and if he shows up or calls, fine, if he doesn't...go on w/your plans. Do not plan your day around him, for he's a very lost camper right now.

[forward]

GG, I feel as if 40 is when so much of this started.

I guess it is back to focusing on self.

[peacetoday]

GG
It does get so tiring here..
It must be so hard on them
my H also looks terrible..on meds( wrong ones I think)
and they dont understand why they are still not happy
you have done such a good job being there for ypur H
hopefully he will finish up and move ahead
go back to your faith
get a sitter
learn to dance..it is the most fun thing I do now!
peace

[dl443322]

G, I know that it is so hard for someone who doesnt suffer from depression to understand what it feels like. But believe me when I tell you that your h is just trying to get through the day. He really has absolutely nothing left for anyone else. This on top of a midlife crisis is an awful lot for someone like
him.

Please try not to take it personally. And really it is best if you leave him be for now. He needs no pressure and any contact right now is extremely difficult for him.

Hang in there, my friend.

[glamgirl]

Ok h calls around 2pm says he is on his way to the house. I say great, did you remember we have C today. He says no. I say it's at 5pm.

He came by my work and picked me up. He seemed in better spirits. We had a very good C session today.

It started with h talking about his work and letting C know what happened there. C suggested individual C for h and to get a thorough check-up. Blood work and all. H is ready to schedule this. Possibly something wrong with his thyroid. C says this can cause depression and lack of energy.

H tells us he doubled his meds today. C scolded h and said don't do that, you might end up in ER. Hopefully h will listen to the C, since he doesn't like listening to what I have to say. He also said don't miss doses.

Then we talked about h not showing, being disrespectful, h said it's like this when you are depressed nothing seems to matter and you just don't care. He says he doesn't mean to be this way, but he doesn't care when he is deeply depressed.

H did committ to seeing his Dr next week, getting blood work done, and chiropractic care. He also mentioned he wanted to eat healthy and start working out. He mentioned to C that he was binge eating and not on healthy stuff. That is always the hard part, since I mentioned that wouldn't be happening if h lived at home. I know should just zip my lips, but it pains me that h is binging on a dozen donuts and then feeling sick and no energy and depressed. Yikes!

The C was bold today and asked h if he was ready to move home. H paused for a bit, then says not yet. The C said could you start staying overnight a few nights. H shook his head and said yes. The C also said could he start spending more time at the house. H said that was his plan.

H mentioned how I am hanging onto resentment. I said it was more anger about being left with all the responsibilities. C said h you will need to start letting go of what you are hanging onto to start the reconciliation process.

Overall, it was a good session. We are booked every week through the end of the month.

H says he will be over Thur, Fri, Sat and Sun. Wow, what a switch.

[glamgirl]

Also I mentioned to C that h didn't show for Dr appointment then asked me to cancel his chiropractic. C said Glam you are NOT h's mother and you can set a boundry and say no h I can't do that.

I said I didn't mind helping my h do this, but I felt disrespected when he didn't show or call. All part of h's depression and not caring.

I may have to start some boundry setting myself. Hmmmmm!

[dl443322]

Glam, sounds like it went really well. Try really hard not to call the doctor for h. He needs to take ownership of this kind of stuff. It is not doing him any good if you do it for him. You are not his mother and he is more than capable. \

So happy for you that things are progressing.