Wow. Long time since I have posted. I've just been laying low and trying to reevaluate.
I have actually been talking to XH a bit more lately. I had to think long and hard as to whether or not I could handle it. I was acting like a scorned wife, and, well, I don't own that title. I needed to remind myself that he is free to do what he wants. And, I needed to take a good look at myself and admit that I was not someone that anyone would have really wanted to be around. Two tough truths.
In the last 2 weeks I have been over to his house twice. These are the only two times since he had owned it. I am glad that I waited this long to go. I was not in a place to be able to handle it. Each time I stayed only about an hour. I knew he was not the same guy I married, but, man! This really drove the point home.
Oddly enough for the first time I could look around and see things not as "things he is doing without me," but instead as "things that make him who he is." I hope that makes sense. Before I would look at the fact that he bought say, a picture for the wall, and would think "He's NEVER coming back...he's really decorating here!" Everything was in terms of "Is he coming back....what does this sign mean???" For the first time in all of this I was able to see something like that and marvel at his taste in things. It was always me that did the buying, so it is interesting to see what he is made of. 20+ years together and I really didn't know so many things about him...
It was a step we never had together. I went right from my parents house to an apartment with him. It was very strange to have him in his own space, offering me a drink. That has never been my experience with him.
I put it out there: I told him that I was intrigued, seeing him on his own like that. I gave this a lot of thought before I said it- I DO NOT want to fall back into the same old patterns. For once I did not pound him over the head with this info. I said it and then backed the hell off.
In a nutshell, I am ready to admit that he is not the same person anymore. I have been trying to make him so, and it has been frustrating for both of us. More importantly, I am open to the idea that I may get to know him as a single guy, and I may not even like him. I don't know. It is mind boggling to me that I pushed these thoughts so far out of my head. I wanted my old life back so badly that I was willing to do this.
So,I am sitting and being quiet. What happens will happen.
I did have to run my son over to his house yesterday. I fully planned on dropping him off and going. XH texted me and asked if I would like to join them for a bit...he said he'd have a cold beer waiting for me. I stayed for a short while, declined on beer #2, and thanked him for a nice time. He walked me to my car and asked if we could do the same thing next Monday.
I know that this changes nothing right now, perhaps never. I think this is the attitude I needed to have the whole time--- and I fear that it is too late. I am proud of myself for not feeling the need to explain to him how I am feeling and why.
So, that's that. I really don't know what will happen next. All I know is that I am sleeping at night now. And that is a much needed change in my life.
