DA Club III

[JayMan]

I'm, of course, not TRULY dark, just as dim as possible. For example, I had to contact W today to ask her to drop off a book report that D8 has due on Monday, otherwise D8 will get a B.

However, that is the only type of communication I give or receive. She texted me today because she drove by me and the kids - it was a friendly text so I ignored it.

Going dark has many levels: in my situation, there is an affair. I established with W that I loved her, loved my family, but I would not have a relationship with her while she was in an affair.

So, what I've done is put the choice in her hands, and allowed her to choose what happens to our family. She is welcome to return, and be a family - as long as she ends the affair.

Detaching is more general - it's not being co-dependent, it means to remove yourself from the daily agony of reliving mistakes you've made in a marriage, it means focusing on yourself, and what you can stand.

[antlers]

I don't know what I'm doing? My wife wants no communication at all, even though we have kids and are sharing them 50/50! It's almost like I'm the trigger that sets her off. Her anger and rage at me is something to behold. It's hard to take, especially when I still want to save our marriage and have a reconciliation/reinvention of our marriage. I think I'm trying to detatch.

[antlers]

Detaching is more general - it's not being co-dependent, it means to remove yourself from the daily agony of reliving mistakes you've made in a marriage, it means focusing on yourself, and what you can stand.

I guess this is where I need to be.

[silvagod]

Detaching has various meanings, the overall ideal behind it though is for your spouse to be able to carry on doing what they are with their own lives (children are not included in that) and that will NOT affect how you spend your time or thoughts.

They need to know that you will carry on doing YOUR thing for YOU regardless of what they do to try and upset you.

It is to allow you to focus and retain the remainder of the love you have left without them removing even that.

In my case, despite total blackout from Jan to Apr, my W still managed to kill off my love for her with her actions and words.

It's a fine line and not an easy thing to acheive.

Good Luck

[Startingover2]

Haven't been here in awhile!! Silva..I missed you but sounds like you are doing well. I could use your insight and major 2 x4's right now. Having some mental backslides due to manipulation.

How is the 'friend'???

[hopefulinEG]

Well I am jumping on the DA train. I asked my W to move out. I have been totally unable to detach with her in the house and have been constantly backsliding and pushing and pursuing and think about her 24/7. I realized that 1) I need peace from all this and need to detach and 2) I need to stop making things worse. So to accomplish both of those I asked her to move out.

I decided that I had to switch to the LRT and let what happens happen. I can not stay on the rollercoaster anymore. So she moves out Saturday and I will go dark after that. We do have kids so I have to figure out how to deal with that. I know I will be very tempted at first. I will be lonely living alone for the first time (except the kids) and basically being a single parent. I hope I can get some motivation and inspiration from this group.

-Catherine

[pearlharbr]

First of all, I'm going to reiterate again that detaching does NOT equal going dark. The fact that a lot of people end up taking that route is something separate. You CAN detach without stopping all communication. We are here to help and support each other with all kinds of detaching.

That said, Catherine, I totally get where you're coming from. I had a very hard time detaching while xBF was still living in the house. Part of that stems from the fact that he was continuing his affair and I got tired of him cake-eating.

Jon can help you with going dark with children. The key is to keep all communication strictly to business. A good guideline is to not answer the phone or texts immediately. If you want to call, email, text then let it sit for a few hours or more and then do so only if it is absolutely necessary business.

This is where GAL activities come in. If you're out having fun you will not be sitting home alone moping. What are your GAL activities? And please don't say working out. I'm tired of hearing that from people. It's fine if you do, but there should be other things too.

For example, I spend one night a week each on taking dance classes, yoga, going to happy hour with a girlfriend. I also say yes to any invitation whether I think I will like it or not. I've gone to comedy clubs, theme parties, skiing, country dancing, dinner at new restaurants. And I started doing things on my own like going to concerts, sports bars, and traveling and ended up meeting fun and interesting people.

Remember that the point of going dark is to use the time and space to heal and work on yourself.

[hopefulinEG]

Pearl - So when should you go dark? I was going dark to do the LRT and thought the detaching would be easier but the detaching wasn't necessarily the goal (her moving out was about detaching but not the dark part).

Can you go dark and still go to Counceling with them? Just not talk the rest of the week. It seems like our new councelor is good and doesn't let us fight. Today's session we came out feeling better than when we went in. W said it was good to get some insight into what has been going on.

I have to admit that I haven't done much as far as GAL. I have gone to the Bay Area to visit family twice (in 3 months) and I have gone out with a friend twice but haven't found many other activities. I am getting a friend at work to take me to the driving range next week so I can learn golf. I thought that might be a good hobby and a I think it would be pretty easily get people to play with me. One of my problems is doing things alone. All of my friends are married with families and don't have time to do things very often. I have gone to movies alone a couple times but going dancing, etc alone is scary for me.

I have been doing a lot of things to take care of myself/be kind to myself. I won't list them all but I have done a very good job at that; just not the going out part. I do have one "excuse" that I am working 6 days 2pm-11pm right now but that only started 2 weeks ago and will end next week. W will have kids every other weekend so I will have more time that doesn't require a babysitter. I will find more ways to GAL. I know I need to reach out to people more. I know a lot of people as acquaintances and I'm sure if I asked a few they would want to go out. Just got to take that initiative. =)

Thank you Pearl. I appreciate the advise.

[pearlharbr]

Detaching should be the goal. You need to detach so you can move your focus from your W to yourself. When to go dark? I can't answer that for you, it's something you need to determine for yourself. I would recommend rereading DR and see what it says. Perhaps others here can chime in.

GAL activities are VERY important. You need to be able to have a fulfilled life. Look, if you end up getting divorced, you'll be on your own and will need to rebuild your life. Why wait for that? Now is the time to become the best person you can be. Plus it keeps your body and mind otherwise occupied so you can't obsess on your sitch.

Golf sounds like a great GAL activity! With the summer coming up there will be lots of opportunity to play and you can easily go by yourself to the local course and join others to complete a foursome. What else have you always wanted to try or that you used to enjoy doing but have let slide? There are all kinds of groups you can join if you don't have friends to go out with.

Look, I literally only have two real friends where I live, one is married and one is engaged. I used to do just about everything with xBF and that was fine because we enjoyed hanging out together (despite what he said later ;)). Since this happened I have spent a lot of time those two friends who have totally welcomed me even though I'm now a single and not a couple. I've also reached out to some other acquaintances and hung out with them a few times.

I know doing things alone can be scary. I'm not really an outgoing person by nature. But I look at this sitch as a crossroads in my life. If I want to get more out of life then I have to put more into it. Here's an example. I have a single gf who lives in another state. We were talking on the phone one night and I mentioned that I bought myself a ticket to an upcoming concert. She said it's coming to her city too and she wanted to go but didn't have anyone to go with. I asked why she needed to go with anyone? This is something I want to do and don't want to miss out on just because I can't find someone to go with me. Doesn't mean I'm fearless about doing everything alone (I don't really like to go out to eat at nice restaurants by myself) but I have had some great experiences that start out alone so I'm willing to do more.

Getting off my soap box...