Well, after reading everyone else's story for a few weeks, I guess it's time for me to contribute!
The basic setup
My wife and I (both 32) have been married for about five and half years, together for four years before that. At the beginning of the year, she started getting more distant and started spending more time hanging out with younger friends from work, going out drinking up to 2, 3 in the morning (never ever happened before). She started crying regularly, and saying that she felt so anxious all the time and that she wasn't happy and didn't know why, and that she was so afraid of ruining everything. She started talking about how she felt she needed space, and then maybe a week after that talk started, she said she had to move out. Now she's been gone about three weeks, subletting the apt of a friend who's out of town for an extended period.
The discussions
Initially I pursued hard trying to get answers. I alternated between pleading and reasoning and then become bitter and then back to pleading and reasoning. What I hear from her is that she's terribly unhappy. She doesn't have a clear fix as to why she's unhappy, but she says that the pressure from me to be happier and have a good time is one thing driving her away. But when I said that I clearly remember so many good times, she doesn't deny it, but says that she doesn't feel any connection to the past anymore. She feels terrible, and she's lost a lot of weight and had a cold constantly these weeks and cries all the time because she feels she might be destroying everything that's good in her life, but she feels she has to do it and isn't clear why.
The other man
There is, of course, another man, a co-worker of hers. They've been flirtatious for these few months, but I guess I've been in denial, but a week or so into the separation I finally confronted her. She says she's attracted to him but hasn't done anything yet. He's very much the opposite of me (I think I can say honestly that he is a pretty awful person, even outside of this situation). She doesn't know why she's attracted to him, but can't stop it. Even she recognizes that this doesn't make sense. I think we both see this as a symptom of something else that's going on in her, and not the root cause.
I insisted that we could work through this, but that it was important that they stop seeing each other socially. I conceded that if they work together, what can you do? And if co-workers are going out together, again, maybe we can work with that. But just start with not seeing each other alone. She couldn't agree to that. She said that if she had to choose now, she'd choose to be alone, not with anyone, and she'd choose to not work on the marriage. But she doesn't want to choose now, because she feels she'd be making a terrible mistake.
I ended up backing off on any demands now, because I so desperately believe this can be solved, but maybe now is not the time to act.
The deeper background
We met in graduate school (isn't that romantic!) and had what I would have considered to be a happy comfortable relationship. We both work hard, her more than me, but we would try and spend time together on the weekends hiking or running or just walking around the city. Maybe we'd go out for dinner once in a while, admittedly not so often. Generally, not the most exciting couple, but I have to say that we were happy. Our friends would always marvel at how we "really had our lives in order".
About a year and half ago, we had a miscarriage in the second trimester. Along with that devastating loss, there were complications where her life became quite seriously at risk. We were in the hospital about a week before we could go home.
This was the year we were going to start trying again. In fact, we actively began that process, complete with buying testers and basal thermometers and charts and timing and all that. But then we stopped again, because she wanted to spend more time partying and drinking. Underlying all of this is an ongoing concern of hers around postponing her career to have a child.
Possible areas of conflict
I think (and boy have I spent a lot of time to think) that there are a few areas where I can identify myself as needing to change.
Need to GAL - I've always been more the nesting type than her, keeping things in order, getting home earlier, worrying about her and wanting to spend quiet hours at home. Basically, I think that I had so little else in my life, I was putting so much stock into us being together all the time. To me, I would have thought this was great, but now with the separation, I can see that to her this was suffocating. Basically, I work, I workout and run, and I ... well, that's it. So that's a lot of time to be waiting for her, thinking about her, and that leads to being impatient for her to come home earlier from work, waiting for her to want to spend more time with me on the weekends. So I need to GAL.
Processing emotions - Thanks to my IC, I understand that I'm much more of a solution oriented person (the annoying husband who responds to the wife's comments about a hard day at work by making up possible solutions to her problems, when what she really wants is just someone to listen!) She is someone who needs to process emotional content at a different time schedule. Generally, not a problem, but with something catastrophic like the miscarriage, suddenly things can split. I may have coped by actively deciding that I needed to by happier and move on and start again, when at the same time she's still processing the emotions on her time. Next thing there's a collision, and we're off the rails.
Where now?
She told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want any more emails or texts or calls from me for the time being. This is terribly hard, but I will respect that.
I am seeing an IC (this and reading DR are the best decisions I've made so far), and left her pleading that even if she can't commit to rejecting the OM and doesn't want to talk, at least do this one thing and see an IC. I am sure she is not in imminent danger, but she's definitely not physically well now, and this is continuing to slowly take a toll on her well being.
I am trying to GAL. Confided in some friends, we now go out more than we ever had. My hope is this will keep me from going crazy, and also make me a better person for the time if/when we get back together.
Well, this message has gone on way too long already. I'll close by saying that I was blown away reading everyone's stories and seeing how many common threads there are and how supportive everyone is.