Saving Military Marriage - 3

[25yearsmlc]

Well...the other shoe has dropped. And now you know. It will settle in and at some point you will feel anger and it will be natural and appropriate. I will grant him some Kudos for blurting out all the crap now so you know, and so you can "get it" and he doesn't have the inconvenience of having to hassle with someone as great as you, wasting love on him...(what a FOOL he is!....oh what a fool...)

Everyone wants to give you a comforting platitude right now, including me. Some...two sentence 'Cheer you up!" mantra to get you through a terrible discovery.

I don't want to be trite. But there are some universal truths to remind yourself of...
yet you already know them...Okay, here goes the first one...Better to find out now than after years of waiting for him to "get it"...imagine posting on this site in 5 or 10 years, with THIS same problem? Having wasted your best years in a "unilaterally celibate" marriage, AND 2) be glad you won't be missing the opportunity to either meet a truly great guy, or to have left your h so he can make the changes he needs to make in order to deserve you, and 3) thank GOD you don't have children with this man, b/c as he is right now, he's "no catch"...and would fail your children badly. That would deepen your pain even more. And don't fall into the trap of thinking "he was the ONLY one I'd have kids with so now I won't have ANY"....BS...if you want children, you'll have them one way or another...PLEASE....

Try hard not to blame yourself for "being so blind" b/c we ALL feel that way even after years of M, if our spouse does something we never expected. There is only so much value in that exercise. But sure, It's worth looking at IF you missed some obvious signs or someone warned you and you blew them off. The fact that he had cheated on his first wife is a big flag -- but if I recall correctly, he denied it while you were dating? You only just learned that? That stinks. Makes you want to do background checks on dates and that's no way to live.

So if you can honestly say there were no flags, then drop the matter and move on. And if there were some warning flags that you chose to ignore b/c you just "loved him so much" (ie so much you didn't want to know the "real him") than learn from that. Don't repeat the same mistake, and move on. See? Either way, you move on at some point. Sensing a pattern?

Does this make it ALL hopeless? Well it is NOT hopeFUL...but I never say a sitch is hopeless. Seems to me he wishes he were a better man but has not paid much of a consequence for being a louse. So we'll have to see. He needs to face some loss or his course of action more or less DOES pay off, so why would he change it?

Once the approach he's used starts to hurt him, or he feels alone, he'll do some soul searching but even then, suppose he comes back to you or finds another woman and "wants" to be faithful? Don't know if he can be. Like some people are just so selfish be nature they really cannot give up meaningful things for long no matter how much they should. He doesn't seem to have the discipline or life skills you and I have to make it when we are lonely.

I have been apart from my h for months at a time (military, schooling, and then the MLC and now his mom's cancer) and I know I've been faithful (28 years this summer, though I DO notice good looking men...but the "equation" I had to do when I was first married, the "talking oneself out of"...takes nanoseconds now...b/c I "get it"...already thought it out decades ago and KNEW it was wrong and I could not handle long term deceit, the look in my kids' eyes or the thought of my h finding out and being as hurt as he would be if I were to cheat on him....It is that image that I had, and of my kids, that stopped me in my tracks. For whatever reason, your h and some other spouses on this board, lack that ability. Sometimes there is hatred and resentment, but sometimes it is a character flaw in them that means they'd cheat even if there were NO problems at home....

and of course I've had chances to cheat just as you do. As YOU know, the Army is 86% men...and I know my h has been invited and flirted with and I believe he has also been faithful. 4 of m 5 brothers have been and 3 were military. There are men who are faithful even when apart. But it takes a specific mind set your h has never yet displayed. Has he ever been truly in love, or does he have to "love" the one he's with?

Tragically, if he is the latter, he's bad news for you and himself and anyone he gets tangled up with.

You are on the right track. Once he "gets" what he has ost, he'll move on at first. But when those long nights get lonely and the only women he meets, if any, are one night stands....geeeeeee, you may be getting some letters then.

Until if and when that happens the "best revenge" ( we all have moments where that is our goal and wish) and the only route for your happiness are one and the same; i.e., your happiness.


So how's the GAL and PMA going? Set up some goals for youself, NONE of which have anything to do with him. Also - ask yourself what you'd be spending your time and energy doing if you weren't missing him or acheing for him/b/c of him? Writing? Hiking? Outdoorsy or Vegasy things? DO THEM...No reason not to now.

I'm sorry you are in pain FC...but I know you are strong and you have a little time to wrap your brain around the fact that like MANY smart, brave, strong women, you loved a man with big flaws who was not able to love you the way you deserve.
Might be someday. Isn't now...soooo, NEXT!!

Start swimming to the other side of the lake without looking back at the shore. When you get to the other side, you'll feel so much better than you do now. And IF he wants it bad enough, he can swim across to see you and show you that he's changed and is diff THEN...but until IF AND WHEN that happens, you have to propel yourself forward b/c very soon there will be folks counting on your full UNdivided attention and those soldiers will deserve your time and attention and at this point, does he really? No. They will, so focus first on you, your healing and then the mission. Later for him...("later" as in maybe never but definitely not now...)

Keep up the good work and thanks for serving again...

I would say semper fi but I'm no Marine, and don't know your branch!...

(( j ))