beno - So sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm reading your story and it sounds so much like my own: three weeks ago, my wife 32 walks away after five and half years of happy marriage, one and half years after a devastating trauma (late miscarriage). Last few months, starts hanging out more and more with younger friends and drinking more, and then the same story about needing space. Then, out the door.
Just like you, I pursued with emails and phone calls, and she tells me to stop. She also tells me that if I forced her to decide today, she would say no to our marriage, but that she thinks she may be making a terrible mistake and doesn't want to make any decisions without more time and space.
In my case, what robx says has more than a bit of truth. It turns out there is another man involved. There hasn't been any relationship there, but she says she's attracted to him but doesn't know why. He's in many ways the opposite of me (and her, even), and she thinks it's more a symptom of something else.
For me (much of this from my IC), there's a difference of how my W and I generally deal with major events. I am very oriented towards trying to solve and fix problems (sounds like you are, too, with the way you take care of wife, kids, business, home) whereas she focuses more on processing the emotional content on her own schedule. Big trauma comes (death in the family), on the outside, everyone deals with it as we would expect, but inside, a split starts to happen. For me, I ended up pushing too much on trying again with a child, trying to be happy; maybe not overtly, certainly not obviously or forcefully, but just as my way of dealing with the situation which may not have jived with her schedule. Maybe there's something for you to think about there?? Remember, it's the things that are not obvious to you that may turn out to be the triggers.
In another general note that may apply for you, I've been thinking that I've spent so much of my time during our marriage really worrying about her and trying to take care of her (maybe even when she didn't need it). In my mind, of course, I would think someone would appreciate this. The reality is that this can turn out to be suffocating to her even when it's so obviously a positive thing in my mind. Again, I read your story and see how hard you are working to take care of things and manage the situation in the family and the home and the business ... can it be that you are in a similar spot?
Anyway, hang in there. I am working on the premise (a) she needs space and I will give that to her, and (b) that I need to find new ways to fill up my time both so that I don't go crazy, and also so that if/when this resolves, I won't fall back into the trap of being the inadvertently suffocating husband. Can't tell you if they work, because I'm working on it right now.
The last thing I would add is to propose that you both see therapists. I've always been the type to poo-poo that kind of thing, but really, it's been the most helpful thing I've done for myself. Should have done it years ago.
