The adventure continues--part 2

[PortlandDad]

AF, that is awesome news for you. The timing must be right for breakthroughs (or apparent breakthroughs) today. Anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, that helps you sleep at night is a good thing!!

I'm praying for ya my brother in pain, or as my W says, "Ich druecke meine Daumen ganze fest fuer dich!"

[AFWAW]

Thanks PD,
My German is a little rusty. Am I translating this correctly?


I press my thumbs whole firmly for you?

or is it
I'm holding my thumbs up for you?

[AFWAW]

Ugh, getting a little nervous now. I am imagining the worst case scenarios of what I'm supposed to forgive her for. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. No use getting worked up about it.

[dburt]

Stay cool, let her speak, and listen, more than you speak. Reassure, understand, and validate.

As far as DB'ing, I did not see a direct approach performed, it sounds like she called out of the blue before you switched to your direct approach or have I missed something.

I hope you do not mean that the direct approach would be to speak to her upon her request and that db'ing would be to ignor her request because that is not how it works...

Good luck, I am rooting for you!

Burt

[AFWAW]

The direct approach was last night. I wanted to talk about what she was going to do. I'm basically tired of being in limbo. She said she didn't want to talk about it so I asked her when she did. Not sure if it was the wisest approach but she called me today and started with the reconcilliation bit, so we'll see.

Thanks...

[SRTTF]

Good luck to you. Most important is to listen, listen and listen. Do not react!!!! She has been afraid to tell you something and she really needs to know that you can listen!

Good Luck

[AFWAW]

Ok, asked my daughter if she was going to call the wife last night and she said no? I said, how come? She said I'm still upset with her. So, we went out and jumped on the trampoline for a while and she was in a better mood soon. Well, I asked her again if she was going to call and she said yeah, I'll call. Well I didn't know the details of the call till I went to tuck my daughter in. It wasn't that good. My daughter told me that the wife gave her crap about her grades and basically bitched at her the whole time and tried to act like nothing was wrong. Now I know I didn't hear what the wife said so I am trying to keep an open mind. My daughter was crying and told me that she still is afraid of the wife? Ugh--this isn't going to be easy either way. I reassured my daughter that everything would be fine and we would get through it. I called the wife as she had indicated that I do earlier and talked with her a few minutes. No mention of reconcilliation and a bunch of bitching about my daughter and how and what I was making he do and making her not do. Again, this is not going to be easy either way. There are some obvious anger issues here to deal with. I did not argue--I just listened and validated.

Like I indicated in my previous posts, I am not trying to get excited either way. We'll have to see what her next move is. I can speculate all day as to what she's done and be way off. My question is, if she's done something that I need to do some major forgiving for, then why is she acting like she's the queen bee when she doesn't even live here? Like I said, there are some obvious anger issues that need to be addressed through counseling and I need to continue to prepare myself in the event that this isn't going to work out.

[AFWAW]

Well, no contact from the wife today so far. I honestly don't know what to think at this point. I'm speculating that she's going to have to swallow a lot of her pride to make the move to come back and try to work this out. I'm not sure what my next move is other than wait and see what happens.

[spellfire]

I think you are misunderstanding DBing a little bit AF, no offense man.

DBing is about using what works, and not continuing to go down cheeseboards tunnels. Being direct is fine and is within DBing if it is working. Being direct is not necessarily the same as pursuing. Notice you did not beg/plead/cry/throw a tantrum.

DBing principles are solid, just don't confuse them with being a canned "one size fits all" solution. Ultimately it is your life and you have to do what you feel is the right thing.

Best of luck man, I'm hoping the best for you.
SF

[AFWAW]

I think you are misunderstanding DBing a little bit AF, no offense man.

Hey, you could be right. I see what you are saying. It just seems like everyone on here is against direct contact and/or presssuring spousal units to make a decision. That's basically how I feel right now. If she wants to make it work, then let's take steps to get the marriage moving in the right direction and if not, let's take steps to take it the other direction. After 7 months in Iraq and training and now 2 months of "seperation" I want to get on with my life. After her comment of considering reconciliation yesterday, I'll back off a bit to see what happens but I don't want to wait another 2 months. It's tough waiting.