Saving Military Marriage - 3

[FitChik]

I'm ok. I met with my MC today and discussed everything with him. It was good to talk with him but don't feel like I got a lot of advice/help to help me cope. I'm not sure there is much help right now besides time.

I've been super busy at work - so not a lot of time to process everything yet. Not quite sure what to think yet...... I still don't think it has hit me that my H actually was with other women. I'm kind of waiting for the impact???

[25yearsmlc]

Well...the other shoe has dropped. And now you know. It will settle in and at some point you will feel anger and it will be natural and appropriate. I will grant him some Kudos for blurting out all the crap now so you know, and so you can "get it" and he doesn't have the inconvenience of having to hassle with someone as great as you, wasting love on him...(what a FOOL he is!....oh what a fool...)

Everyone wants to give you a comforting platitude right now, including me. Some...two sentence 'Cheer you up!" mantra to get you through a terrible discovery.

I don't want to be trite. But there are some universal truths to remind yourself of...
yet you already know them...Okay, here goes the first one...Better to find out now than after years of waiting for him to "get it"...imagine posting on this site in 5 or 10 years, with THIS same problem? Having wasted your best years in a "unilaterally celibate" marriage, AND 2) be glad you won't be missing the opportunity to either meet a truly great guy, or to have left your h so he can make the changes he needs to make in order to deserve you, and 3) thank GOD you don't have children with this man, b/c as he is right now, he's "no catch"...and would fail your children badly. That would deepen your pain even more. And don't fall into the trap of thinking "he was the ONLY one I'd have kids with so now I won't have ANY"....BS...if you want children, you'll have them one way or another...PLEASE....

Try hard not to blame yourself for "being so blind" b/c we ALL feel that way even after years of M, if our spouse does something we never expected. There is only so much value in that exercise. But sure, It's worth looking at IF you missed some obvious signs or someone warned you and you blew them off. The fact that he had cheated on his first wife is a big flag -- but if I recall correctly, he denied it while you were dating? You only just learned that? That stinks. Makes you want to do background checks on dates and that's no way to live.

So if you can honestly say there were no flags, then drop the matter and move on. And if there were some warning flags that you chose to ignore b/c you just "loved him so much" (ie so much you didn't want to know the "real him") than learn from that. Don't repeat the same mistake, and move on. See? Either way, you move on at some point. Sensing a pattern?

Does this make it ALL hopeless? Well it is NOT hopeFUL...but I never say a sitch is hopeless. Seems to me he wishes he were a better man but has not paid much of a consequence for being a louse. So we'll have to see. He needs to face some loss or his course of action more or less DOES pay off, so why would he change it?

Once the approach he's used starts to hurt him, or he feels alone, he'll do some soul searching but even then, suppose he comes back to you or finds another woman and "wants" to be faithful? Don't know if he can be. Like some people are just so selfish be nature they really cannot give up meaningful things for long no matter how much they should. He doesn't seem to have the discipline or life skills you and I have to make it when we are lonely.

I have been apart from my h for months at a time (military, schooling, and then the MLC and now his mom's cancer) and I know I've been faithful (28 years this summer, though I DO notice good looking men...but the "equation" I had to do when I was first married, the "talking oneself out of"...takes nanoseconds now...b/c I "get it"...already thought it out decades ago and KNEW it was wrong and I could not handle long term deceit, the look in my kids' eyes or the thought of my h finding out and being as hurt as he would be if I were to cheat on him....It is that image that I had, and of my kids, that stopped me in my tracks. For whatever reason, your h and some other spouses on this board, lack that ability. Sometimes there is hatred and resentment, but sometimes it is a character flaw in them that means they'd cheat even if there were NO problems at home....

and of course I've had chances to cheat just as you do. As YOU know, the Army is 86% men...and I know my h has been invited and flirted with and I believe he has also been faithful. 4 of m 5 brothers have been and 3 were military. There are men who are faithful even when apart. But it takes a specific mind set your h has never yet displayed. Has he ever been truly in love, or does he have to "love" the one he's with?

Tragically, if he is the latter, he's bad news for you and himself and anyone he gets tangled up with.

You are on the right track. Once he "gets" what he has ost, he'll move on at first. But when those long nights get lonely and the only women he meets, if any, are one night stands....geeeeeee, you may be getting some letters then.

Until if and when that happens the "best revenge" ( we all have moments where that is our goal and wish) and the only route for your happiness are one and the same; i.e., your happiness.


So how's the GAL and PMA going? Set up some goals for youself, NONE of which have anything to do with him. Also - ask yourself what you'd be spending your time and energy doing if you weren't missing him or acheing for him/b/c of him? Writing? Hiking? Outdoorsy or Vegasy things? DO THEM...No reason not to now.

I'm sorry you are in pain FC...but I know you are strong and you have a little time to wrap your brain around the fact that like MANY smart, brave, strong women, you loved a man with big flaws who was not able to love you the way you deserve.
Might be someday. Isn't now...soooo, NEXT!!

Start swimming to the other side of the lake without looking back at the shore. When you get to the other side, you'll feel so much better than you do now. And IF he wants it bad enough, he can swim across to see you and show you that he's changed and is diff THEN...but until IF AND WHEN that happens, you have to propel yourself forward b/c very soon there will be folks counting on your full UNdivided attention and those soldiers will deserve your time and attention and at this point, does he really? No. They will, so focus first on you, your healing and then the mission. Later for him...("later" as in maybe never but definitely not now...)

Keep up the good work and thanks for serving again...

I would say semper fi but I'm no Marine, and don't know your branch!...

(( j ))

[jaguilar]

Great words of wisdom 25. Stay focused Fit, this will only make you stronger.

[FitChik]

Wow J! I'm not even sure where to start. Thanks for your great advice. It's nice to have it all put together and spelled out.

It is much better to find out now than later. My H continued to tell me I would be better in the long run if I would let him go now.... and I never understand why he said that to me. Of course now I know.

H wants to be a good man but has big flaws (like we all do!). I honestly feel for him b/c his flaws are from a tough upbringing. He has never experienced real love or support from his family or in relationships.... but he definitely has had chances and has ran away from them.

However we can all chose to work through our past and not be victims from it. We will always carry some baggage from it but it can also give us strength and character. Unfortunately he choses to let his flaws run his life out of defense....

I hope he does realize the huge loss he's endured eventually. And I hope it is for his benefit so he will get his act together, work on himself, and find the happiness he is searching for.

It's heartbreaking watching someone you love behave wrecklessly & be self-destructive (as well as hurting those around him!). I believe deep down he knows he is troubled but like you said 25mlc, needs to experience loss for it to make a real impact. Sad part is he has endured some big losses and it hasn't made a big enough dent..... I am almost frightened to know how hard he has to be hit! He's just a recipe for disaster but puts up the defenses and drives on....

I have a lot to look forward to. I am strangely motivated for our deployment. It is the reason I decide to join the Army so now is my chance. I will get a life-changing experience and lots of medical practice.

I am taking a ski trip with some friends up to Whistler, Canada for a few days next week, which I am sooo excited about! I made sure to tell my H I was going with a few guy buds - which is true.... and he made sure to bring to my attention again :-).

In May I am climbing Mt Rainier - all 14,411 feet!! I have never took on this kind of endeavour... so I need to get into great shape!! It will take up a lot of training time & prep time.

And I will be heading to Vegas with my best GF (who is a mom of 2 children and hasn't taken a vacation away from them yet!). We're definitely going to get into some trouble and get decked out!

I am still unsure what to do legally. I have just been going with the flow and seeing how everything plays out. I hope I will gain some clarity after all of this new info soaks in. At this point, I am not even sure the D will go through before I leave unless I press it. I feel I need a L - even though we have nothing joint and I have no big assests. But I have zero trust left at this point for my H. I never dreamed I would be going through a D only several months after a getting married or that my H would be non-chalantly sleeping with other W.... so how can I trust anything at this point??

[jaguilar]

It's a good idea to get an L.

[FitChik]

It's a good idea to get an L.

yeah, I know..... boo.

[jaguilar]

I know you don't want too. Neither do I but we need check with them to see what legal rights we have.

I don't want the divorce but I'm just trying to educate myself, so she can't just throw out some BS to try to scare me.

[FitChik]

Nothing new to report. No further contact from H.

I woke up this morning having a disturbing dream regarding my H being with another woman. It started my day off with tears & sadness. I feel physically nauseous & sick thinking about everything.

I have been praying & fasting for a breakthrough in our sitch and I wonder if that was part of it - for me to learn the truth about my H. However I can't help but wonder what the actual truth is at this point. It's hard to decifer what is false (to get me to go through with the D) and what is truth. Uuugggg.

I am continuing to pray for my H, our M, and will wait for God's guidance how to proceed. I really have idea what what He will ask of me next. I am about 20 days into my fast with only liquids and have another 20 to go! I have been receiving some amazing support from people God has obviously placed in my life right now to lift me up and support me.... and everyone on here is part of it :-)

[FitChik]

Journaling.

It's been a tough 24 hours. I am feeling worn out.

I received some sobering info yesterday about my upcoming deployment and it's not pretty! It's going to be a very rough year. My mind is turning right now. I have a lot of fears and uneasiness about it. I know God will equip me with the skills I need but He's given me a big plate. So I was already upset this morning.....

Then I saw on the news there was another major attack at the city my H is at with 5 US casualties. Even if my H is ok, it's hard having a loved one in the area that's impacted and to know it's having an impact on him. And there is absolutely nothing I can do.... It is very difficult and makes me upsest.

And I am frustrated there is so much chaos going on in my life that I am having a hard time focusing on the real purpose behind today - Good Friday. Just one of those days....

[song]

Hang in there FitChik. I'm praying for you.

I know things are extremely difficult for you right now, and I know you remember what a difficult day it was for Jesus 1976 years ago today.

Better days are ahead.