Confessions from a former cheater...

[orangedog]

Hey DQ, tell me what you think:


My WAW of 15 years announced mid feb she wants a separation. The main problems:

- Not enough intimacy - We've never been a 5x a week couple (mostly 1x a month) but were trying the last two or three years to increase it and try some new things. Kinda didn't happen. She always expected me to always initiate everything but I could never read her mood. She seemed always cold and uninterested to me. I think we got into a bad loop where she was waiting for me and I was waiting for her.

- More romance - she views me more like a brother or best friend than a lover. (I always concentrated on friendship first in the marriage).

- Control - She's tired of taking care of my issues. (money, organization, etc). I agree I do need take care of more of my stuff and get a life. I've been working on this.

- Depression - I've been dealing with it on and off for the past three years - probably caused by my own MLC about my career and life goals, and also my family history (others in fam with Depr). I'm on new meds and back in counseling so maybe I can work throught it this time. It's probably hard for other people to understand. It just steals all the energy and pleasure out of life. I don't discuss details of program with her - she just doesn't want to know.

- Bored / MLC - I think she's just bored and looking for some additional excitement in life. About two years ago she started going out more, buying nicer clothes, and being more social.

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My sitch:

1. She said I'm the nicest guy ever, appreciates all the things i do for the family and said specifically "It's not you, it's the dynamic". She doesn't want to be married like this. I take this mostly as the control thing and to work on it I'm DB'ing, GAL, and detaching.

2. Next month she would like me to move out and her BFF (also going thru a divorce) to move in. I'm going to left her know very shortly that I'm not going anywhere. It's my house and my children and I won't just leave. While this will probably help the control thing, I'm sure it will make her very angry - maybe angry enough to file for D just to get me out. (BTW- she's a lawyer and loves a good trial fight). It's a risk I have to take.

3. I'm not sure if she is having an affair. I've asked once and she assured me there was nobody "waiting in the wings" for a separation. Still I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't have something going or if she wasn't actively looking. Reasons:

- She is detached.

- She's not really my "best friend" anymore. While we talk and things are smooth between us, we don't really talk about anything important - just the business of running the household and small talk. She mostly confides in others (and so do I).

- She doesn't like to discuss feelings or relationship issues- it makes her angry. I made these mistakes the first few weeks before I started Db'ing.

- She spends nights out with friends, many of whom are single or divorced.

- She is a Facebook addict - and she "unfriended" me a few weeks ago so we could "have separate lives".

- She has lots of private conversations by phone, email, and is constantly texting. (The texting thing really drives me crazy because she's never "there" with the family - during meals, during together time, or whenever. I don't care if she ignores me, but don't ignore the children!)

Q:

1. Does it sound like a possible affair? Not that I really want to know but I guess that it will effect the dynamic so I should know what will change.

2. I'm DBing, GAL, and detaching - however - because the lack of intimacy may have been one of the bigger reasons for the proposed separation should I flirt with her? Should I try to show her I'm interested and still attracted to her? I haven't even gone there because I've always supposed it was on the other side of one of her many separation "boundaries". We've had very little contact since the separation announcement - just a few hugs. The closest we've had to any suggestive conversation or action was about possibly watching the movie "Zack and Miri" together (our schedules didn't work out so she saw it and I didn't).

3. I kinda feel too detached sometimes. Like she's not interested in me so I don't care. Is this common?

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